Young Writers Society

He drank too deeply
and choked on his words
as if unsatisfied by the sound.
Broken in placidity,
complacent in mediocrity,
with the voice of panic
blaring in his eardrums.
Imminent change unfolding
in his mild-mannered world
disturbed by thoughts
and wants to be what the night is
but never having tasted
such blanketed delight.

Tiptoeing into remorse
after diving into darkness
and hitting bottom hard, bruising;
hands marked by truths
not meant to be uttered, then,
and he believed --
A deep, resounding hope
which quaked within his breast.
Beat after beat, unassailable.
The maker of beautiful things,
of ironical things, he wrote,
but words are black and white
and he is colourful.

I had loved him then
before he blurred to grey.

~~

This was interesting. A little confusing, but I think I got the gist of it (I might read it again, just to make sure.)

Dreamwalker,

Almost didn't recognize you with your change of av. But I do love your poems. I love how I can read this two, three, four times and pick up something I hadn't realized upon first reading, or second reading, or third. It's beautiful that way, and it touches me especially because I feel I can relate. So yes, I love the complexity. However, I feel it could do with more emphasis on an image / or at least on sound (the title says lullaby, so I expected more of a lyrical emphasis).

I feel this poem captures the essence of this man, but it doesn't quite capture the image of a particular man. If it did both things, I would love you forever.

The little things:

blaring in his eardrums;
Imminent change unfolding

No semicolon. The sentence before was a fragment and the next sentence is capitalized? Did you mean for a period?

and his wants to be what the night is

Correct me if I'm wrong by inserting "his" there - if only to be more clear. I kept tripping over this line because I wanted to read "thoughts and wants" together, which lends a slightly different meaning. Another possible fix is if "wants" is replaced with "desires" ...? Dunno.

such blanketed delight.

Blanketed? That threw me off. Maybe I have to do a 5th read through.

The maker of beautiful things,
of ironical things, he wrote,
but words are black and white
and he is colourful.

Loved that part. <3 I hope this helps a bit, I'll be reading more of your stuff soon, I hope.

~ as always, Audy

Hey, Dreamwalker!

You've got great talent! The language and the flair of it all just captivate my mind. I like the descriptions and imagery. Your play with words is quite awesome. I'm going too technical on this piece for any sort of errors or things because I'm not sure I can find I any.

Great job and I look forward to reading more from you! Keep the ink flowing

Murtuza