Young Writers Society

He's got eyes like the sky.
Yet so cold and emotionless.
Take a look inside.
See a soul coated in ice.

He wears his head high,
as if he's a king with a crown.
To him, life's just a gamble,
and he rolls the dice.

He's not to be trusted.
He lies and betrays.
Yet he puts on his poker face.
His innocent act will suffice.

Stay away from the boy.
A devil with an angelic face.
Many before you have fallen,
and none of them all that wise.

He'll corrupt your judgement.
He'll toy with your heart.
He'll steal your innocence.
He'll poison you with lies.

Stay away from the boy.
A devil with an angelic face.
Yet you just can't help it.
In his arms, you will find true paradise.

-

Hope you liked it. I'm not exactly the best poet.

-Ariel<3'

Hey there Ariel! I'm here to review
Considering you say you're not a poet you've actually done a really good job on this. I can't pick out any grammer errors and I thought your form was well chosen. The only stanza I wasn't as fond of was this one:

Ignorance wrote:Stay away from the boy.
A devil with an angelic face.
He only wants one thing.
You'll say no if you're wise.

The only trouble is, I can't pick out why I didn't like it as much as the others. I think it might be the way the last two lines fit together, they just don't seem... right.
I'm terrible at explaining myself, and it might only be me that feels that way in which case ignore my ramblings. You've got a good poem here and I hope you keep writing them.
You're a poet and you don't know it!

I liked it. It was simple, yet powerful, and those are always the best kind of poems.

Hellooo Ariel! =)
Me here to review your poem for you! (obviously XD) Okay so I want to start off with saying that this is a really good poem and I like it a lot! I've known and still know guys who are like that and you've described them very well! So congratulations on that!
The rhyme in this was done very well and I like the words you used in this poem. I couldn't find any grammar errors and there's nothing to nitpick on either so this review will probably stay short and simple. XD
My favorite parts in this poem are:

He's got eyes like the sky.
Yet so cold and emotionless.
Take a look inside.
See a soul coated in ice.

He wears his head high,
as if he's a king with a crown.
To him, life's just a gamble,
and he rolls the dice.

Great work here! Keep writing great poem! I hope this review helped a little and I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this!
-qaralynn-

So I thought this was very good for someone who's doesn't consider themselves a poet! I like the structure and how every last line in each stanza rhymes with eachother, it was rhyme scheme I haven't seen before! Sadly though, many of the rhymes seemed forced... I read the quote in IcyFlame's poem and see that you've changed the two last lines in that stanza... I agree with IcyFlame that it is something about those lines that doesn't really cope but I like them better than the ones you changed too. Maybe keep to the original last line, but make the one above fit with it better? Eeh, so, what more do I have to say? Well, the flow was good and your punctuation too! Overall I agree with what June said... simple but powerful! Eeh, one more thing! I don't like the repetition with "Stay away from that boy... angelic face..." Thing...

I'll give this piece 3/5 spiders + 3 quarters of a fourth icky little spider!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hi there!

This is a really great poem especially since you said you weren't much of a poet. There was a great amount of imagery and passion in this. You did a great job describing this 'devil with an angelic face.' Your grammer and spelling is good so no worries there. The flow of this piece is amazing too. It flows really well and I really can't find a place where this flow falter.

Again, great job! Keep writing!

'Ello, Sock dear. ^_^ Here as requested, though I have to warn you that I'm not very good at reviewing poetry.

All right, so overall I like the simplicity of this poem and the imagery you used in describing the way this boy is. I do have to say that, if there was a rhyme scheme, then it really did not flow and wasn't evident, and if it wasn't supposed to rhyme, then the format makes it seem like it should be rhyming. I hope this makes sense; I just started reading it in my head with a lilting sort of voice, and then the faint semblance of rhyming that I thought I saw kind of...disappeared. And it just didn't flow very well in my head after that.

Second point: your stanza that starts with "He'll" felt out of place. The rest of the poem didn't have any sections as repetitive as that and, again, it just seemed to take a different turn and break up the potential flow.

Also, starting two different stanzas with the same lines (Stay away from the boy/A devil with an angelic face), while nice at the end to bring it back around, seems rather out of place. If you started every other stanza with that line then it would feel more like a rhythm that you created throughout the piece, instead of slipping it in right at the end. It just seems weird to be starting off every stanza with a different sentence and then to repeat one when you're done.

Again, please take what I've said with a grain of salt, since I'm not a poet! Overall this was a nice piece and you did well, especially with the imagery -- beautiful.

God bless!
~Hawk

oh wow this was really something. I am trying to write poetry and understand it. I can't seem to get it right though. You have it and I am glad I read it. It was really good. Your words were so true and I wasn't confused about what you were talking about so that was really nice! Keep this up you have the ability to really make amazing pieces. I look forward to more of your work in the future!

Hi, Ariel. Here as requested. ^^' I don't know much about poetry, but I'll do my best.
I also like the simplicity of this poem. Oftentimes poets can get so wrapped up in writing "poetically" that they forget to write "clearly." Thank you for not leaving me in the dust. I have a few nitpicks.

He's got eyes like the sky.Period should be a comma
Yet so cold and emotionless. The word "yet" implies that what follows it contradicts what precedes it, but I didn't see that here. I think it works without the conjunction.
Take a look inside.
See a soul coated in ice.Although you worded it in a new way, I find the idea of an icy soul sort of overused. And here, because of the words "cold and emotionless" earlier in the stanza, it seems a little redundant.

He wearsinteresting word choice... his head high,no comma
as if he's a king with a crown.
To him, life's just a gamble,
and he rolls the dice.

I like this stanza.

He's not to be trusted.
He lies and betrays.This should be a comma
Yet he puts on his poker face.
His innocent act will suffice.

From this point on in the piece, I felt that you made a major shift in POV. I would remain distant (just describing him) instead of directly addressing your reader, if that makes sense. It disrupts the flow. It's up to you, though.

General Critiques:
I hate to repeat this, but your rhyming scheme doesn't work for me. I feel like you've limited yourself, so the last two lines in some of the stanzas feel awkward, forced, and don't flow.
Your frequent use of the word "yet" distracted me. If you're not repeating a word for a specific reason (for anaphora or some other parallelism), don't repeat it at all.
You put a period at the end of all but three lines, and most of them were incomplete sentences. I think it might read better if you took punctuation out altogether. Again, I know nothing about punctuating poetry.

Overall, I think you took a subject that has been used a lot and made it your own. Yay! Keep writing poetry. I think the more you do it, the better you'll get, and you have some potential. I hope this helped. As always, you know where to find me if you have any questions. Happy writing!
-Sea-

Hey, you requested a review in my thread so here I am. (A really long while later)

So I'm not the best poet myself but I admire those who write poetry and have that ability to make you squirm with the words that they choose. This poem, however, didn't really have that little something to make me really feel into it, you know, really enjoy it. It was a bit distance and, I don't mean to sound harsh here but it was almost like you were trying a bit too hard. You didn't have a flow ... at all, and the rythme, for me, wasn't there. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself but I really didn't know what to think of this poem, and at some parts it was rather hard to understand. --->

He's got eyes like the sky.

That sentence is really vague, and I'm not sure what you mean be this. Like the sky? Do you mean, as blue as the sky or as big and long as the sky? What? Then you mentioned ice further on down, so I kept getting mixed signals. Also, it's a very shaky line to start your poem off with, confusion is never good.

Then you have this: --->

Yet so cold and emotionless.

Which gives the opinion of a contrast[/]i. That the line before should disagree with cold and emotionless, which it doesn't. What I mean is, it almost sounds like the first line should be something like; [i]His eyes were warm and inviting and then you have your second line; Yet so cold and emotionless. Because the yet in that line, as I said, makes us feel as thought there should be content in the first line to contrast. But there isn't, which is rather annoying or just incorrect. Or another thing, you could try getting rid of the yet completely. That might make a bit more sense.

Really, I didn't have any other nit-picks other then your lack of detail and imagery. We needed so much more depth to get into this and I couldn't find any. Imagery is everything in poetry.

Good luck with editing in the future and I hope you continue to write!
Kagi xo

Howdy there oh team-mate of mine! I thought I'd drop by and review your lovely poem. First, a line-by-line

He's got eyes like the sky.
Yet so cold and emotionless. [Before you can put a but in there, you have to tell us more than that his eyes are like the sky. What does that actually mean? The sky can be grey and gloomy or it can be bold and lively. It's too vague so you need another line to really explore the image!]
Take a look inside.
See a soul coated in ice. [Maybe there's a more original way you can say he's emotionless. Ice is over-used.]

He wears his head high,
as if he's a king with a crown. [Again, an obvious image! What others have right to pride? A mother with a newborn, or a farmer who just fended a wolf away from his flock of sheep. Think of something more unique and your reader will be more likely to remember it.]
To him, life's just a gamble,
and he rolls the dice. [What kind of dice? Are they loaded? That would tell us a lot about his personality, that he's a gambler but only when he knows the odds are in his favour. Remember to always go that step deeper to give us strong insights into the characters.]

The next stanza is pretty bland, I'd suggest cutting it.

Stay away from the boy.
A devil with an angelic face. [Too obvious! Find some new imagery please ]
Many before you have fallen,
and none of them all that wise. [Okay so there's lots of unwise people who've fallen for the boy. What about the wise ones and where does she fall in this, why is her story special and not all those others who went before?]

He'll corrupt your judgement.
He'll toy with your heart.
He'll steal your innocence.
He'll poison you with lies. [The repetition doesn't work very well here. You're better off choosing two of these and expanding on each to really explain the sides of his personality, instead of glancing over four.]

Not sure about the ending to be honest. I wanted more resolution from this and more finality I suppose. There's some ideas here that may be worth saving but in general, you need to work on keeping your imagery fresh and unique. Hopefully this will help you a little,

Heather xxx

Lovely. I am wondering why you have the whole poem in italics? It is a bit strange, I'd say. Not bad, or distracting, but I'm wondering why you decided to do that?
Your poem was very interesting, very emotional. It was a good warning poem. Have you heard the song Cowboy Casanova by Carrie Underwood? Because if you haven't, you need to. It is practically the exact same plot. You line was "A devil with an angelic face." Hers is "a snake with blue eyes," and "the devil in disguise." So, really, that song is exactly what the poem reminded me of. It's a very good poem though, I like both it and the song.
I didn't catch any typos, or grammar mistakes, or spelling, or missing punctuation. As far as I'm concerned, that part is good. Still, don't take my word for it, I've done a lot of reviewing and am starting to possibly not catch each little mistake. But, I think you're good as far as superficial editting.
I was wondering why you had one stanza where every line started with the word "he". It bugged me. Repetiton can be good, but at that point it was really just a bit distracting and frustrating. I know parallelism is good, but I didn't like it here. Mix it up some.
When you said, "and none of them all that wise" I didn't like it. If they were all stupid anyway, he must not be very tricky. However, if you said the ones who fell were wise, then you would make him sound even worse. Just something to consider.
Anyway, I hope I was helpful. Good job with this, keep writing, and reading and writing some more. And of course, don't forget to review.

Hi, Pichu! 8D

I'm totes here to redeem that review prize for the YWS Birthday Fiction Contest. Another congrats to you, by the way!

So I really like what you did here with the imagery and basically describing this guy. You did very well with the metaphors and just gave the reader a very good idea of this character. I dun like him. D: So yay!

I think the weakness I found here is the rhythm. It doesn't quite flow as well as it could. I think the poem tried to though, considering the four-line stanzas, and that's probably the case. The stanzas are kind of like paragraphs in fiction, I think? There's a reason why we break off into a new stanza -- usually starting a new idea that doesn't quite match with the previous stanza yet they both flow together somehow. With this poem, it all sounds rather the same, and so the structure just didn't quite fit the purpose of the poem's message.

He's not to be trusted.
He lies and betrays.
Yet he puts on his poker face.
His innocent act will suffice.

I'm not quite sure what this line had to do with this stanza. Actually, it doesn't quite belong anywhere in the poem! I think it's also a good example of the use of the period, too. Lots of periods, which means lots of sentence fragments, which means a lot of full-stops/breaks that aren't intended. Line breaks give enough pause already, so a full-stop like a period is like a line break times ten! Just write out the poem like you would normal sentences with usual grammar, and the poem's structure will handle the breaks as desired rather naturally!

He'll corrupt your judgement.
He'll toy with your heart.
He'll steal your innocence.
He'll poison you with lies.

I did actually like this stanza, and I wish that the poem delved more into the details behind this. Which is probably another point I can make! The poem could really go into more depth as to why this guy even deserves a poem. Does that make sense? There are a few jerks in this world, so what is it about this guy that frustrated the speaker? Something to consider!

But I really do love what you did with describing him already. You've got a lot of potential with this and going deeper into the situation so that the reader will get move involved and interested in what the poem's saying. Relate to the situation, basically! Great job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!