Young Writers Society

I felt it.
the pain , I mean.
Only for a second.
I remembered,
hearing her cries
the sight of the blue sky.
Why was it so cold?
I felt alone.
What was happening?
Now I hear the wind bristling.
I see a luminous glow beyond my eyes.
I finally realize that
I am dead.

Hey there! Fist off, welcome to YWS, hope you'll like it here
Now, onto the review,

I felt it.
The pain , I mean.
Only for a second.
I remembered, Since the rest of the poem is in past tense, better to keep it past the whole way
Hearing her cries It sounds better but I suppose you could also keep it like it was
And the sight of the blue sky.
It took me awhile,
To finally realize that Again, I find it sounds better but it was fine as the were
I had died.

This piece is a quite simple free verse. It's fairly small, with simple words, but they speak of death. I liked it PM me if you have any questions
Keep writing!

-Truth-

Hey again Alrighty, let's do this again!

I felt it.
the pain , I mean.
Just for a second.
I remember,
hearing her cry
the sight of the blue sky.
Why was it so cold? It's better if you ask the question like this.. I know, it might be less poetic but it's easier for the reader.. or just change the 'why?' in a new line and it'll be alright
I felt alone. Same here for the past tense, again
What was happening? And here.
Now I hear the wind bristling. Since you are switching to present tense with the 'now', you must stay with present for the remaining of the poem.
I see a luminous glow beyond my eyes.
I realiseed that
I am dead.

Here Just be sure to keep your tenses alright and you'll be all good! I love the changes Keep writing!

-Truth-

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today, a poem about dying --- well at least it's not a suicide poem, so perhaps it'll stand up to scrutiny guess we shall see. I shall reread it right now. After another read, II think I can procrastinate this review no longer, I warn you now, this will be harsh.

Phrases spat out at random intervals in stunted way does not quantify or equal sounding like you're dying. It sounds more like you are stuttering the lines. It's only in melodramatic pieces where they try say something so clumsily and end up speaking about a myth or something. My point is this, if you were trying to mirror the way of something dying then least do it with some originality, the white light - check, feeling cold - check and so on. This doesn't even flow well, it just seems to insist reading like the poem itself has been stabbed. You know you have a problem when your poem sounds like it's dying. I can't seem to find any scheme as it just seems like a jumble of word knitted together a certain way.

Overall: You had a nice idea, but you don't have to sound like the poem dying to do a poem about dying. it's hardly necessary and if you do you tend to get less than desirable results.

Hope this helps.

I liked it, but found it hard to stay with, I had to go back and read it again. I dont think it was very flowing, but better than i could do!

I've never heard a death poem told this way before. I see what you are trying to convey.
TheTruthLiesWithin summed up all of the "physical" needs that the poem had. I think that it needs to flow more, and it would be nice for the actual "dead" section of the poem to sound misty or hollow. like we picture death sometimes.
Still, it is a nice poem, and I am sure if you worked with it more, it would sound even better.

I really liked the poem but it feel like you wrote it once and then posted it without even really editing it. I can understand where this poem is trying to go but don't feel it's quite there. I also think that the final line is an abrubt ending and work on getting your present and past tenses organized because you keep flip-flopping. Finally I feel as if the poem is a little to upbeat for a death poem. With a little work this would be a great poem.

Hey!

I am here as requested.

It was a short poem, which was good, but, with a little more length it could be a long poem which is great.

First of, personally, I would get rid of the underline and the italic it is off putting and makes it seem less mature and more childlike.

The ONLY other thing is that your ending felt like it came far too soon, so like I mentioned before, I would work on adding length as I think it will really pull the piece together!

However, for a first post it is a very good attempt and it shows you have skill and can use poetic devices. I am always here to help if you need so just let me know and keep writing!

~Retro Disco666

Heya, Love Great piece!

Errors: Just the one! The only thing I really found wrong was the underlining. The short sentenses add enough emphasis so you don't really need the bold or underline.

Liked: I liked the style and the general idea! It was really good. It was simple, yet deep. Impressed

DislikedThere was nothing really that I disliked! I though it was a cute piece, (for lack of a better word!)

overall impression: I loved this. I thought it was great, simple and effective. Although, as it is in dramatic poetry it could use a little more imagery. But other than the one or two things I have mentioned this was really good. Great job!