Young Writers Society

You and I, we have quite the relationship.
I do not know your name,
Or your face.
I do not know if you are a boy or a girl.

But I know you.

If I were to walk a crowd, I wonder if I would see you
Or if I’d pass you by
(and the thought that I would pass you pains me, it really does)
That I would not see you

Even if you stood alone.

I know that when I look up at the sky filled with computer-generated clouds and a sunset too vivid to be real
It fills me.

With wonderment, amazement…
Helplessness.

And I know, I KNOW that I am small.
And you know what?
This no longer bothers me.

Does that make you proud?

And sometimes—when I pray to you—I let your presence move over me (fill me),
Wash over me
And I feel like a cup brimming with water that falls from that sky that overwhelms me so and I WONDER—

(I wonder many things, but namely this)

If YOU are the sky.
And that’s why no one takes the time

To look at you.

Wow... Tess... that's beautiful.

One typo:

(and the thought that I would pass you paints me, it really does)

Did you mean pains?

But other than that, I can't really offer any suggestions. I liked the one-liners that you dropped in at different points; they were striking:

Even if you stood alone.

The end was great. It really made me think. I love the whole thing actually. Awesome.

Tessi! Have you returned to us? I do hope so my love. Well, anyway, onto the poem. Over all, I think this was wonderful, the ending was superb, but the line structure must be altered. You have such short lines, then long ones just placed out there, and looks all to, well, I would say cahotic, but I think that's what you were going for, so I'll just say wrong and confusing, si? The wording was delightful though, ma petite.

areida07 wrote:Wow... Tess... that's beautiful.

One typo:

(and the thought that I would pass you paints me, it really does)

Did you mean pains?

HAHAHAHAA... oops.

Yes, well, doesn't that take away from the seriousness of the poem? I changed it, thanks for pointing it out. How embarrassing.

EDIT: Yes, Soy, I'm back. How long, I do not know. I've been semi-active the past few days. Mostly just lounge stuff, anyway. Go read my poem "Paintings" in "Other", will you?

I'm not a fan of religious poetry. Plain and simple. So I am biased, keep that in mind.

I think that you have a good concept here, but you didn't express it as eloquently as I've come to expect from you. It was a very forced writing style, and it appears you looked to "What If God Was One of Us" for some ideas. I enjoyed the meaning I think you were trying to get across at the end, but I feel like your syntax, either accidentally or purposefully, made it seem esoteric, almost incomprehensible. Perhaps it's simply grammatical or I am just stupid. While I wasn't impressed with this as a poem, as a religious poem it is superb: one of the best I've ever read.

Like I said, I'm not a fan of religious poems, but if you are devoted enough to a religion to write a poem about it, I commend you and revere you as a very strong person. My overall suggestion would be to find a different idea for the middle section and change the title of the poem.

It's kind of hard not to be a fan of religious poetry. It kind of rules out 90% of classical and 30% of modern poetry, doesn't it? Anyway, I quite liked this. I had a bit of a problem with the conversational tone, to an extent. It's a good idea, but sometimes it made it sound pretty forced. Good work though.

It's not exactly "religious". It's more "spiritual". Probably was a bad idea to put god in the title, but I thought it sounded 'cool'. Yeah. Bad.

But thank you for your comments, much appreciated.

Wow. I agree, I don't think it's 'religious' as much as it is spiritual.
The poem was very beautiful.

I found it hard to read, but I could still feel the meaning behind it. But I just didn't like the structure.

Quite liked it overall though.

The title alone was cliche...reminded me of the ever-so-overrated Judy Blume book "Hello God it's Me Margaret." I like almost didn't read it. It seemed broken in places and I'm not talking about the run-on sentences because I thought those were nice. But it was a great concept. I'm not one for religious poems either, but I still liked the concept.