Young Writers Society

have you ever felt the rough edge of society
let it cut through your skin and you
love the pain and bathe in the loneliness

the mental incapacity to understand
that nobody really cares about you
and that everyone wants to know
how to further themselves
and nobody really cares about you

everyone can stare through your transparent exterior
with casual ease that comes from experience
of broken strawberry bowls and reddened cream
perhaps if you wore stylish sunglasses
you'd be able to filter the blinding light
that reflects from other people's happiness

have you ever stood in the shade
and realised summer was colder then winter
have you ever looked them in the eye
and realised that sparkle you have is rare

don't fall into their trap
your beauty is to their advantage
don't take the money, take the love
don't take the grass, take the rocks
because streams are never as cool and beautiful
as they look in the sun.

First stanza is incomprehensible.

Second stanza has too much repetition and not enough meat.

Third stanza is good but I don't understand the strawberry bowl and red cream reference, nor do I think it is terrible necessary for this poem.

Fourth stanza is okay; however, you probably want to specify "them"s and "they"s for us. Even though you may know who "they" is, we don't.

Fifth stanza is beautiful, yet the linebreak at the end bothers me immensely.

heh. I agree with bard, to an extent.

The first stanza makes sense to me, I'm just not overly fond of it.

second is a little repetative, yes, but I think that could be remedied easily enough.

third not quite sure about strawberries and cream.. it makes snese and it doesn't, if that makes any sense at all.

I like the fourth and fifth stanzas, personally. And I don't have a problem with the line break (but I have the most trouble with them in poetry, so I'm not the best judge there).

have you ever felt the rough edge of society
let it cut through your skin and you
love the pain and bathe in the loneliness

....meh. I like the first two lines, except the last two words of the second line. Those, plus the third line kind of kill the meaning the first two lines could have had. If I were you I would revise it.

the mental incapacity to understand
that nobody really cares about you
and that everyone wants to know
how to further themselves
and nobody really cares about you

why do you say "nobody really cares about you" twice? I'm not in love with this stanza.

everyone can stare through your transparent exterior
with casual ease that comes from experience
of broken strawberry bowls and reddened cream
perhaps if you wore stylish sunglasses
you'd be able to filter the blinding light
that reflects from other people's happiness

I like this except for the third line.


have you ever stood in the shade
and realised summer was colder then winter
have you ever looked them in the eye
and realised that sparkle you have is rare

realised is spelled realized, other than that perfect

don't fall into their trap
your beauty is to their advantage
don't take the money, take the love
don't take the grass, take the rocks
because streams are never as cool and beautiful
as they look in the sun.

*perfect.

I think this poem is awesome, but the third line of the first stanza the repitition in the second stanza and the third line of the third stanza kind of kill the whole poem for me.

{quote]realised is spelled realized, other than that perfect [/quote[

No, I'm from England.