Young Writers Society

i woke up with you in my arms
with a smile as wide as you
on my face.

do you remember when i won you
when the stars were red and the night was red
they were watching with nervous glances
and everybody sung for you
and everybody sung for us.

do you remember when i held you
when everything was flashing and bright
when they all wanted a taste of you
and they all got to kiss you
but you were mine that night

do you remember when i had to let you go
for a fleeting second before you came back
this time forever in my cabinet
the last time you felt alive
i wasn't even born.

do you remember when i won you
on that unforgettable night
that awe-inspiring, unforgettable night
in istanbul when the stars were red
and the world sang for us.

because i'll never forget what you said
in the fantasies of sleep, when all was lost
the future belongs to those who dare to dream.

This wasn't bad...but it was weird. Especailly the opening:

i woke up with you in my arms
with a smile as wide as you
on my face.

That made me laugh, and then it made me think that you were calling her fat.

Also:

this time forever in my cabinet
last time you felt alive
i wasn't even born.

Is she older than him or what?

Basically, every stanza I was caught of guard and they didn't seem to flow smoothly. You also seem to make it very confusing for the reader to know what happened and what's going on. Was she a girl in a bar or a whore or what?! Because you talking about "winning" her unless it's winning her over. It's just really confusing and you need to sort some things out. I'm sure it'll be good once you make some changes. I think you have a great idea here, Jack, you just need to think about it a little bit more. You seemed to just put down whatever came to your mind and it made it seem weird. Be sure to go through it and make everything more clearly. I think this would also be better as a story, but that's just my opinion.

It's not about a girl. But then I expected most people would think it was.

I never said it was though. I was just pointing stuff out. I knew it was about a guy. What you wrote about him and her just didn't seem clear.

Haha, it's not about a guy either.

The liverpool game? the red reference, and singing.. "won you", and "in istanbul when the stars were red
and the world sang for us", and "the last time you felt alive
i wasn't even born." shall I continue?

and the first time I read this, I thought it might be about a girl, but it didn't quite feel like it... so the game it must be.

do you remember when i held you
when everything was flashing and bright
when they all wanted a taste of you
and they all got to kiss you
but you were mine that night

makes me think of one of the pictures you posted..

so now I'm really curious..what is it about? my only other guess would be drinking...but that doesn't work. your mom? oy, I dunno. But now I NEED to know!

and I did like this, although it confused me, if it were clearer I would like it better

does anyone watch football? (smiling goodnaturedly)

nice poem dear, that game was wicked.

I really liked the line "the last time you felt alive
i wasn't even born."

thats some great imagery there.

cheers CL

It was very very lovely... you are speaking of football as in English terms I suppose because over here it's called Soccer. Football here is a game played mostly by throwinng the oval shaped ball.... yeah... anyway vey lovely poem... nice..

AHA! I get it!

No wonder I didn't get it. Is that the lump under your covers? Heh

*laughs* Yup, that's it.

Firestarter wrote:Haha, it's not about a guy either.

So like...what's it about then? It is about a relationship, is it not?

I do agree with Mattie though...the first stanza was a little awkward.

It's about Liverpool winning the Champions League. The "partner" imagery is actually referring to the European Cup, rather than a person. E.g. "and they all got to kiss you" refers to the fact the players all kissed the trophy when they won it.

In fact, the whole idea came from the news that, Steven Gerrard (the Liverpool Football Captain) slept with the European Cup in his bedroom that night. So I wrote this poem from his perspective. It's been his dream to life the European Cup like the Liverpool legends of old and he completed his dream. Hope that alleviates everyone's confusion.

Wow Jack...okay. I'll have to give you an A then. What a very interesting way to interpet that...

That was great.