Young Writers Society

attempt to appear older by cussing and speaking of "mature" things

glitter and all that shit in the air
and love,
with dizzy giggles and intense
make out sessions followed by sex
and secret peepin' toms and porno addict-perverts
observing on tapes and such after.
never mind, it's instantaneous.
irrelevant; it has nothing to do with me.
i blame you.
admit it, you don't give a shit.
if you do, then show it.
hold my fucking hand
or something.
but you won't, you can't
why couldn't you just be a stalker?
no, had to be that you're not real.
damn, i miss you

I like this poem but the swering was unneccisary, don't put the swering in their unless you feel it needs it, not because you want to seem older. But I really liked this. Nice job.

glitter and all that shit in the air
and poetry,
with foggy goggles and ersatz
writing sessions followed by posts
and secret wishes for perverts to like this
observing on paper and such after.
never mind, it's compulsory.
blood; it has nothing to do with me.
i blame you.
admit it, you don't give a shit.
and if you do, then show it.
hold a fucking pen
and say something.
but you won't, you can't
why couldn't you just be a real writer?
no, had to be that you're not real.
damn, i hate this.

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Well, that was ultra-b*tchy; however, this was not "mature" at all. Some people will tell you cussing does not make you more mature. Disregard their comments; they don't know what they're talking about.

You're too choppy with thoughts for me to like this.

I like it. To me the choppiness adds to the raw (emotion) feel of the piece. keep it up.

CL

There is a difference between choppiness and rawness and in this poem the two weren't really equal. The swearing is kind of unneccessary and seems more so because the poem is so short. However, it wasn't bad, I especially liked the first three lines or so.

It was okay. Swearing does NOT make you more mature, though. I cuss only when I'm too angry to come up with a better word. Honestly, if you can't find a better word to express your feelings then you're not a writer.

Now, the poem. It was all right, but nothing especially profound or beautiful. It kind of made me wrinkle up my nose. The cursing didn't seem to fit. Also, I have to agree with the previous posts about their dislike of the choppiness...it just detracts from the poem as a whole.

To be honest, this poem sounds like me when I'm ranting about Eric.

Both are really bad attempts to get attention. I would say both are really crappy, but I'm not as mean as Brad.

This was just an everyday teenage conversation to me. Nothing special.

Honestly, I wouldn't say the swearing is 'unnecessary'.

It adds a realistic feel, and really pounds the reader into a good atmosphere.

Personally, I don't think it's awfully terrible. But it's not great. Kind of dry, and, yes, it's a little too immaturely written to be mature.

Basically, using curse words randomly does not make the poem better, but using one here or there will grab the reader's attention IF it is in that atmosphere.

Yeah... it was dripping in sarcasm, the whole thing. I don't know if anyone caught that... Thanks for the comments, anyway.

isn't it what happens when your angry.. maybe you could rewrite it when you calm down or when you are..
wow the most replies you got!

bit too much swearing i know wat u are trying to get but swearing does not help it

Doesn't anyone get it?
I think I know what you were getting at. And the swearing does seem right.

i really like it i think it had just the right touch to it and it was really easy to understand.

Very impressive emotion less.