Young Writers Society

did you see the mashedpurestewed
icehailsnow (simply frozen water in different so many millions
of forms) mixed up with the grass,
a swimming white blanket of cold across
grey and green.
people out taking photographs what a sight,
two worlds collided - white and green.

it was two o'clock and hail was pumelling on the windscreen.
at first it was artycracklingnatural rain.
then hugewrithingmilk stones joined it.
you will never understand the weightless thrill
of slipping along the road listening
to the cold drum of hard ice on the windscreen.
it's a bold silence louder than thunder.

yum creamy paper slaty ink pearly rain.
i can hear everybeat and it feels like tincold like my skin
is the black rooves. and it's wet.
blonde LIGHTNING just illuminated the sky
and i heard swooping THUNDER ruffle the skyblanket.
the world's exploding, here's its sinking, dark, vast noises
printed like dna across the sky.

i hope it rains in paris maybe not as
blindly as this, but rain all the same.
i'll open my curtains like i did now
and let cold inch its way onto me
and glare out at crushingly wet pariscity.
i used to think we drew the curtains at night because
it kept dark out but no it's cause we'd get cold.

i want to get cold. colddreaming coldwandering coldbreathing.
written: Sunday 5th September 2004, 10:01pm

This was really descriptive and pretty good, but could use some work

did you see the mashedpurestewed
icehailsnow (simply frozen water in different so many millions
of forms) mixed up with the grass,
a swimming white blanket of cold across
grey and green.
people out taking photographs what a sight,
two worlds collided - white and green.

Okay, on the first line and pretty much throughout the whole thing you mashed words together and I didn't like that very much. I also don't think you need the parenthesis. It definitely takes away from the poem. The linebreaks were good without the parentheses. I liked your last line. I suggest you use a better word than 'mixed' in the third line, it seems a little strange. I also suggest you move 'across' down to the 5th line insteady of the 4th.

it was two o'clock and hail was pumelling on the windscreen.
at first it was artycracklingnatural rain.
then hugewrithingmilk stones joined it.
you will never understand the weightless thrill
of slipping along the road listening
to the cold drum of hard ice on the windscreen.
it's a bold silence louder than thunder.

On the first line, I believe pummelling is spelled with 2 m's. Again, your mashed word were strange. 'Weightless thrill' that was neat. I liked your 'bold silence louder than thunder' too. That was really cool.

yum creamy paper slaty ink pearly rain.
i can hear everybeat and it feels like tincold like my skin
is the black rooves. and it's wet.
blonde LIGHTNING just illuminated the sky
and i heard swooping THUNDER ruffle the skyblanket.
the world's exploding, here's its sinking, dark, vast noises
printed like dna across the sky.

Yum? Please don't start the stanza with that. It makes it sound really weird. I liked all words after that thoguh. Blonde lightning was cool. I also think that DNA should be capitalized. Other than that, this was my favorite stanza. Very nice.

i hope it rains in paris maybe not as
blindly as this, but rain all the same.
i'll open my curtains like i did now
and let cold inch its way onto me
and glare out at crushingly wet pariscity.
i used to think we drew the curtains at night because
it kept dark out but no it's cause we'd get cold.

In Paris? I don't see what you're getting at there, but it wasn't bad. You should put 'maybe' on the second lien 'cause the linebreak is really weird. I think you should because instead of cause because it fits in better with style of poem better. I liked your last few lines though.

i want to get cold. colddreaming coldwandering coldbreathing.

I did not like your ending. The words were mashed as I said before and it just wasn't a good conclusion. This was pretty good, but could use some improvement.

I just have one question. Was this a writing assigment for school? I can understand your word-mashing if you were supposed to for school, but this seemed a little odd if it wasn't
Good Job. Keep writing!

This poem had a lot of interesting imagery in it, but when you put the words together it seemed to be a forced jusxtaposition, like you were trying to meet a quota of mashed-together phrases. Some of the stanzas were...interesting...

I hope it rains in paris maybe not as
blindly as this, but rain all the same.

I don't really understand that reference to Paris. It probably had significance for you, but it is not clear what exactly that is as it is not referenced in the rest of your poem.

i want to get cold. colddreaming coldwandering coldbreathing.

I like this, even if I don't really understand it. I think these are the only mashed-together words that don't feel forced to me in the poem.
Overall, it was a very interesting poem, though it could use a little work. Good job on the imagery, though.[/quote]

Thanks guys.
No, it wasn't an assignment for school. Read some e.e.cummings, a lot of my stuff is influenced by him.
As for the Paris reference, yeah, it's personal, as is most of the poem. So I understand if you don't get it all