Young Writers Society

Here we go!
I don't know why I wrote this poem. I wrote from a person who's dying's point of view.


Stand

Standing on the rim of hell
Waiting to plunge under
Wanting to hold your hand
Which I cannot grasp

Don't let me fall below
I want to continue on with you
For now and for always
Stand by me

I'm fading into the darkness
Travelling through the wall
Please come with me
Don't make me go alone

Breathing my last breath
Cherishing the moment
Closing my eyes forever
But you stood by me

I know its short but I didn't have a lot of time.

Well there you go, open to any comments, good or bad.

HAHAHAHA, erm? I just went hyper! hehe!

Wow. Just... wow.

I love the idea of this. I love the thoughts behind this. I can't tell you the number of times lately that I've been thinking things along these lines. Wow.

Just one comment:

Lollipop wrote:Standing on the rim of hell
Waiting to plunge under
Wanting to hold your hand
Which I cannot grasp

the word "wanting" here, seems a little repetative after the last line began with "waiting"

wow, I had the Muse song: Absolution

It so goes together! I love it!

Standing on the rim of hell
Waiting to plunge under
Wanting to hold your hand
Which I cannot grasp -------> THis line break here wasn't brilliant. It seemed very bumpy. Change it.

Don't let me fall below
I want to continue on with you --------> Too long. Shorten it somehow. Maybe just cut off the last three words.
For now and for always
Stand by me

I'm fading into the darkness
Travelling through the wall
Please come with me
Don't make me go alone

Breathing my last breath
Cherishing the moment
Closing my eyes forever
But you stood by me

Generally, this was well-written, and a good poem. The problem is that it is indistinguishable from every other poem on this topic and just doesn't stand out enough. I'm not toally sure what would make this much better, but a different angle is always good. So, in conclusion, good but overdone.

Wow guys thanx for all your comments. Pleased to hear them!

I love the idea for this poem; from a dying person veiw. Its so unique. I love it. But for some critque:

Standing on the rim of hell
Waiting to plunge under
Wanting to hold your hand<<<Like duskglimmer said, the 'wanting' seemed repetive after the first line was 'waiting' and also the line break I didn't like ethier to bumpy!
Which I cannot grasp

Don't let me fall below
I want to continue on with you<<<<I totally disagree with Firestarter, this sounded great, it wasn't to long at all
For now and for always
Stand by me<<<<<have you ever heard that old song from the '60's 'Stand by me'? I think its called, well thats what it reminded me of, and I've also heard that line many times before so it was a little cliche

I'm fading into the darkness
Travelling through the wall<<<<<I love this line, great imagry
Please come with me
Don't make me go alone

Breathing my last breath
Cherishing the moment
Closing my eyes forever
But you stood by me

The first three lines of this stanza were fast, I like that bacuse it showed how the perosn didn't have long to live and that he was dying quickly. But the last line ended apruptly, you need another line their to slow it down before you end. Maybe like 'And I thank you' or something like that. But I really do like this poem! great job!

Thank you very much! And I know it was a little cliche but I couldn't think of anything else.(Im soo stupid) Oh well