Young Writers Society

Doo be doo be doo...Not quite sure who this about. Betrayal, anger, pain, life sucking in general, a little cliche, but I hope I put some new spins on this. I (A) need a title, and maybe some help re-wording a bit of this to make it flow better. I've tried, truly I have, but this piece just seems to have a mind of it's own in my head.

I remember the sound of your silence
As your heartbeats started calling
Me from the brink of the chasm,
But you were already falling
Into the echoes of our souls defeating
The fragments of our painted sanity.

As I knelt in puddles of demons blood
I recall the voice of the rain
And I turned my face to the sky
While the earth cruelly called your name,
Till wings of vomit erupted from my soul
To fly the scent of carrion to the bloody snow.

I let the quiet of my spirit bathe you
When the sordid tongues of flame
Flickeringly played about your feet
Driving you mad with their out of tune game
And when the keenness of fire came into me
You lay outstretched on my bed of ivory.

So now I break through oaks and bushes
And Misery hastens its flight to me
While the dark forest birch tree blushes
Ebbing breezes taste so sweet
But I would ardently leave nights such as this
If I were permitted one ultimate kiss.

Sometimes I still hear your trailing breath
Sweeping through these empty halls
And I swear I once saw you fringed with light
Still glowing from Death’s siren call
I feel your spell by my cravings might
A majestic clothe of dark midnight.

But all I heed is sorrowful rage
Like the forbidden echoed chimes
That fill Night’s haunted rooms
Like some forgotten poet’s rhymes
Laying ghostly fingers on passions air
Till the cloak of death is shared.

Still, in a world so cold as this
We’re all torn apart by rage and fear,
Love grows old with time and sand,
Remembering the pain that brought us here,
And everyone learns before too long,
How to suffer and stand strong.

The rhyme was forced at some parts. This line was a bit weird:
"Love grows old with time and sand,"
Time and sand? I know it was meant to be poetic, but time and sand??

Ah, I liked the time and sand part. Nice poem, I liked the concept. What you need to do though, is take out some of those commas.

I remember the sound of your silence,
As your heartbeats started calling,
Me from the brink of the chasm,
But you were already falling,
Into the echoes of our souls defeating,
The fragments of our painted sanity.

There you've got one after every line. Really, you could take them all out. Read it with each comma in, pausing after each one, then read it without them, without pausing on each line. It's a very technical thing but it makes the flow a lot better. And if its too long a sentence for one stanza, put a full stop in towards the end.

It'd be better as:
I remember the sound of your silence
As your heartbeats started calling
Me from the brink of the chasm.
But you were already falling
Into the echoes of our souls, defeating
The fragments of our painted sanity.
Anyway, I liked it, but you're right, work on the flow.

I agree with Liz on the commas thing; you don't always need a comma at the end of a line, and too many will detract from the poem. There's a natural pause anyway at the end of a line, so a comma is usually redundant.

"Moreover, pain is what brought us here,"

Get rid of the "Moreover." It makes it sound like a conclusion to an English paper.

I really liked this poem, although it tended on the melodramatic side. Still good though, and a definite worthwhile read.