Young Writers Society

The Curse of Mortality
Some day we’ll all take out last breath,
And allow life to succumb to death.
Someday we’ll all say goodbye,
For everyone at some point must die.
All life is doomed to fade,
All goodbyes must be bade.
Nothing lasts forever,
Some things will last for never.
Some flowers never bloom,
Some things never feel life before their doom.
Tears are always meant to be shed,
Whether for the living or for the dead.
Death doesn’t hurt the ones who die,
It hurts the ones who must say goodbye.
Though to those who feel sorrow,
Fear not for there is always tomorrow.
Another chance for one to die,
Another chance for a painful goodbye.

[quote="Deloclya"]The Curse of Mortality
Death doesn’t hurt the ones who die,
It hurts the ones who must say goodbye.
quote]

That part is really cool! I really like your poem and how it rhymes ( and the rhymes actually make sense).

I LOVE THIS POEM!!!

I know it's sort of depressing because the obvious subject of death but I still think this is an awesome poem.

Very, very, very nice job.

kinda redundant and a rather depressing ending that i didn't really like and didn't really seem to fit with the poem.

Rhyming couplets poem about death. How very, very original.

thanks! I was shaking with rage and saddness when I wrote this...although for no reason related to the stuff I wrote, but I was still feeling really strong emotions.

Incandescence, I love rhyming poetry and (for some strange reason) I can only write poems that are depressing or else they don't sound right to me! Baerodach & Green Monkey I'm glad you liked it as well! I wrote it sort of in one sitting and it made me feel a lot better once I'd written...Exauseted, but not upset anymore.

convintojm, I have to agree with you about it being redundant- I used the rhyme Die & goodbye a lot because it worked. I haven't wanted to touch it because I was feeling such strong emotions then that I've never felt since that I'm a bit afraid to touch it and ruin the emotions I put in there. Thanks for the critique!

Thanks again to you all

Um...Deloclya? You do know that Incandesence was being, erm, sarcastic, right? Because frankly, this is one of the most over-done, cliche, hackneyed themes I've ever seen! We're all going to die, and everyone's going to be sad...whoop-dee-f'ing-doo! Please! You didn't even put a new spin on the idea! You used old rhymes, personally didn't see a LICK of emotion, Several of the rhymes to me seemed to be forced

Some flowers never bloom, Some things never feel life before their doom.

, and overall seemed to be a copy-paste from several of those 'it's ok to be sad when people die' speeches parents give little five year olds who are flushing goldy the goldfish to the great sewers of fishy god! Sorry, but p-eww. Do not pass go, and do NOT collect $200. Try again.

opps! Sorry, I was a little tired when I replied to what Incandedescence...And sorry you feel that way because I'm rather fond of the poem. Thanks for the feedback though

I personally thought this was very good. I do agree you could add some more original thoughts, but that didn't take away from the poem. The rhyming was beautiful, flowing very smoothly and I liked your word choice.
The only part that was a little strange was the:

It hurts the ones who must say goodbye.
Though to those who feel sorrow,
Fear not for there is always tomorrow.
Another chance for one to die,
Another chance for a painful goodbye.

This was strange because you said "Fear not for there is always tomorrow" and then said tomorrow would bring more pain and sorrow. At least, that's how I saw it. Isn't the sorrow what the person fears? If so, then fear not does not fit. I may have missed something, but that's what I thought was weird.

Thanks! Yes, that part, when I wrote it I was going for Irony but I'm not sure it quite worked...

*smiles* If you were going to irony, it most certainly worked!
Another good job to you...

Thank you very much

I dunno... the rhyming seems forced and the rhythm seems off. It's a good effort, mind you, but there are some lines that just seem horribly forced. Especially here:

Some flowers never bloom,
Some things never feel life before their doom.

Let's look at your rhythm structure. For instance, how many syllables are in each line? Look at this very carefully...

8
9
7
9
5
6
5
7
6
11
8
10
8
9
8
10
8
10

It doesn't seem to organized, does it? If you are going to write poetry that is rhymed, then you must have a good flow and part of a good flow is making it metered. This might seem silly at first, but it forces you to cut parts of your poem and then create parts. The end result is usually much better.

The biggest thing that hurt your poem was your use of needless words. For instance, observe:

6 - Some flowers never bloom,
11 - Some things never feel life before their doom.

7 - Some flowers will never bloom
9 - Some things never live before their doom.

Also, sometimes your word choice is lacking. Hint: avoid the word "things" in poetry. Be specific. What were you talking about before? Flowers? Awesome. Now relate it to flowers.

7 - Some flowers will never bloom
9 - Some seeds never live before their doom.

Play with it. This reminds me of one of my first poems before it was edited. It lacked metering and wasn't too good, but it had a startling message. Someone helped me with it and now the poem is considered "legendary" to a few since they like it so much. Play with it and you'll have a great piece of art.

I agree that the theme of the poem was overdone and rather...hokey, almost, in some places. It was a little rough, but the rhyme scheme was good and it seemed to flow all right most of the time. You could work on unifying the rythm a little more. Overall, though, it was a fairly good poem, full of emotion, which is part of what makes poetry good in the first place.

a lot of people already said everything else.

except that the repetition was enjoyable. not THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER READ, but enjoyable.