I thought this was really neat. It didn't really flow in my opinion and some of the lines that seemed as if they should be together were broken apart. I thought the 'ouch' was a little misplaced, but I liked how you described your points. It was very unique. I did like your last stanza. It was a firm and cool ending.
I agree that some of your enjambed lines seem a little out of place, but other than that, this is a smashing piece. Your work just keeps improving, Incan. Good show!
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.
oh, honestly, you wouldn't really want to fall into an abyss of nothingness or whatever and watch your bones splinter. Okay, let me TRY to comment on this.
i--i do not know what to say
to you because everything i want to say
is nothing more than
flinging empty words that would ricochet
in foamy white rooms
*Foamy? why are the rooms foamy? I understand that everything you say seems meaningless...and you put it in a very meaningful way but...foamy?*
ouch *needless word, disrupts the flow*
and needlessly wind up
impaling me in
a bloody charade where
i would fall
but only fall
*bloody...something impales you...nasty...you fall....don't get this piece*
Real life is a life
that I cannot live
at all. Words in the third dimension are
so heavy and usually
so worthless.
*really cute...this makes me feel what I think you're trying to portray in th is piece*
I can't tell you
that I love you or
even remotely like you; it wouldn't mean
anything.
*I understand what you mean*
Papery life is a life
that only has to exist
when you want it to. It is a life
where I have become
so adept
at coding and hiding
that if anything stupid shows through,
it isn't what I meant at all.
It is the reader's fault.
*no it's not. And...having read this thing through three times, I see what you're saying. message appreciated*
And I chew my lips when
I wait on you to respond, and feel terrible
about the things that you've said
that I never sent back to you.
*all right...no comment.*
and i would rather fall
in a hole
30 feet deep
and observe my bones crack and my body splinter
as it hit sharp thorns
and bend in obtuse angles and writhe
than have a crush
on a 21 year old.
*haha...no you wouldn't. I know you wouldn't. Good job on this anyway. I only like the one stanza about papery. Otherwise, for the first time I truly dislike your poem. Never happened before. But that's just cuz I cannot stand your avatar. Please change it back, it's so...sick and morbid and I just hate it. It taints your work.*
when will i learn
i can't climb brick walls and
ladders will always give way?
*growls lightly* Misty.. A lot of what you commented on was basically Brad's style. And PLEASE never judge a piece by the writer's avatar. That disgusts me.
Moving on..
Beautifully written, as always. I agree with Chevy: once you know what a piece is about, it makes it much more exceptional. Great job, love.
she has a point. i'm over your disgusting avatar, brad. And...oddly enough, the second and third time through I really like this. Considering that I vaguely know the story behind it. sweet...I don't know why I didn't like it the first time.
Gender:
Points: 13816
Reviews: 563