Young Writers Society

Ok...i was writing this and couldn't write anymore so i stopped. a better ending is in order.

your shaggy blonde hair and blue eyes that sparkle remind me of
summers gone by
the knees of your Gap jeans still tinged with green
from that last football game in the park
you remember that, right?
do you remember sitting at the beach flinging
that dinged-up plastic frisbee around
my
capris rolled up past my knees because the saltwater stains, according to some hypocrite
old lady sunbathing in a lawn chair which
is quite a sight, let me tell you.
I don't know why i'm listening to her, it's
probably only because you said i looked cool
like this but
i don't know why i'm listening to you either, of all people, because you're my
mom's friend's son and your mom probably
told you to say that to make me feel good.
I gather this because
i can hear them chatting and swapping details
of both of our lives, real personal stuff
too
like your crush on the principal of your school's
daughter.
I don't even want to know how your mom found that out, and i feel
like teasing you but i see the look on your face and
decide against it.

I dunno I think the ending is ok, I like this it's kinda nostalgic. See you've gone for emjambement often, when I dunno a poem like this could have closed lines and still get the really pretty message across. Anyway I honestly did really enjoy this but the ending is a hard one, I'm sure someone else will come up with something.

OMG this is sooooo freaky I have a friend just like that, the whole poem describes my feelings about this friend I have, even the 'shaggy blounde hair' looks just like him, weird.

Anyway I love this poem, the beginning is great, the middle could use some tweaking and the end was great too. Although I think it needs anither few lines at the very end. But I really like this, great job.

Oh, P.S do you mind if I put this on my wall or something? i'm not kidding when I say that this explains me and my friend so well.

yeah lol that's fine. Just credit me.

Thanks for the critique guys!

No i'll say I wrote it *evil grin* but, of course not, I won't say I wrote it. I'll say you wote it.

Not bad. I just think it needs a bit of interest...at the moment it's everyday-conversation kind of thing. You need some images etc. Nice idea though, keep the conversational tone and run with that.

seems too much like an unedited journal entry and that's not working for me. plus there's almost too many specifics that it's hard to connect to. it's interesting though and i could see using it to make something really good but i personally don't like the style.