Young Writers Society

I need hard, honest critisism,pleeeeeeeez.

I believe everyone
Can have an opinion on the matter.
I used to be idealistic,
And what's called a romantic,
But that was before.

It was quite ironic.
I worried about high school,
Boyfriends, make up, PMS.
A spouse, a work schedule, and finances.
Cancer, osteoperosis, and arthritis

I used to think about dying.
I bet between cancer and old age.
My naivete was amazing.
I didn't think to put
A Friday night joyride
On the ticket.

The ER doctor told my parents
I died instantly.
" No pain," he said.
Pain? What is pain?
Pain is a mere jab in one's flesh.
Agony is flying
through a windshield.
Agony is landing in a crunching heap
On the asphalt,
Twenty feet away.

I won't fault them.
After all,
It was only five seconds
Of excruciating agony.
I could almost feel as
My memories dimmed like a
Candle at the bottom of its wax.
Then Time left my reality,
And I was alone.

Ahem...That sent chills down my spine. Ok...critisism, critisism. I like it except for one little line.
"At the end of its twirling whirl." You used "the end" on the last line and in this one so it seems a little repetative, unless you want it that way to stress that it was, indeed, the end. And "twirling whirl" is a bit of a tongue twister so if you ever want it read aloud, you might consider changing one or the other of those two words.

I had to really scrutinize to find those little mistakes because it was written almost unflaggingly.

Nice!

I love it at first reading title I was like hmmm the begining wasn't that great but the ending made up for it really powerful and shocks the reader, for this reason I wouldn't change the start!

To fly through the thick windshield
And land in a crunching heap on the
Unforgiving asphalt, twenty feet away.

This is my fav part

I suppose I should be lenient; <- I don't think you should you 'suppose' to slangish!

wu

Yeah, that was a very good poem. Very detailed and a good read. Although I agree with Ravenna, that line didnt really fit. You should change it to something else, it was just "ugh".

And you want detailed criticism on this??? Bcain, it's great the way it is!

I expected it to be some stuffy, oh my grandma died and now i'm sad when I read the title. But you gave us a ton more than that, as you can probably tell...great poem. A ton of great points made!!! I can't wait to read some more of your stuff.

This is not a poem. There is nothing poetic about it. You did not grace white lines with emotions, but with philosophies and revelations and did not forebear upon yourself the task of converting them to ideas. That is the tragic flaw of this poem.

The ending of this poem was horrific--cliched and troglodyte. You could have summed it up nicely, without dying or whatever it might symbolize (and I can think of a few things). Before you write poetry, for future reference, write it from your heart not your hand. Use your brain but do not forget it must communicate with your emotions.

Poetry is an art form. Art is the communication of moral ideas. Moral ideas originate in the heart and are then transferred to the brain for depiction and analyzation. Keep this in mind next time you write a poem over an event, especially an event that has thousands upon thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of poems written on it.

Hmmm...lessee...

--a line that seemed too long for me was

"I myself used to be idealistic"

IMO, it should just be

"I used to be idealistic"

--is Naivety a word? (seriously, is it?)

--"To fly through the thick windshield" IMO, I think the word 'thick' is unnecessary in this sentence

-- goin on a limb and trying to be poetic here...as an dea for Ravenna's issue, you could say "Then it was over." instead of "then it was the end."

Yeah. I'm no poet, so if these work, cool, if not, I'm really not apoet, so yeah.

Really, I believe everyone
Can have an opinion on the matter.
I myself used to be idealistic,
And what is called a romantic,
But that was before.

Amazing beginning! I loved it, especially

And what is called a romantic,
But that was before

that...ya..it was great

I used to think about dying.
I bet between cancer and old age.
My naivety was amazing.
I didn't think to put
Friday night joyride on the ticket.

I liked this, except for the second to last line.. The flow was jerky. I think that you need the letter a either at the end of the second to last line or the beginning of the last line.

After all, he wasn't the one
To fly through the thick windshield
And land in a crunching heap on the
Unforgiving asphalt, twenty feet away.

Awesome imagry.

I could almost feel as
My memories dimmed like a
Candle at the bottom of its wax.
Then it was the end.

That was an amazing ending! I loved your whole poem and can't wait to read more of your poetry.

ouch, thanks, ouch. don't worry, i'll revise. not to sound defensive, but i was trying to make it sound remote, i mean, are you going to care how you died, if you're already dead?......uh, anyway, thanks...Ouch. 8-[

I liked it, but there are some things I can criticize. naivety isn't a word, it's naivete with those little dots over the e.

And the first line...Please, please, PLEASE don't put a comma in the middle of a line of poetry unless it truly belongs there. Which this one doesn't. And if it does, that means you could probably split the line into two and put the comma at the end of the first. And I'm not so sure about your semicolon usage.

I died instantly. "No pain," he said.

I would suggest splitting this line.

I agree with Ravenna and others. I don't like that twirling whirl line. Maybe you could take it out or revise it.

I loved the last four lines. Loved them, loved them, loved them.

Not horrible, but could use a little revision.