Young Writers Society

Your poem is quite strange in its writing, but unique in its point.

"Does the satin on your bed remind you
of white walls, fresh paint, the smell of
new cars, changing lives, stained t-shirts and
soft, grass-tainted blue jeans on your knees? "

This part seems kind of hard to understand. To start a poem off like this seems quite confusing to me, but then again, I am quite easily confused.......

I really liked the first stanza. It was good to read, the commas seperating each individual phrases which were similar in length made it a well-paced beginning that instantly had me hooked. In fact, I found this poem one of your best to just...read...and not feel lost or confused as to what were your original intentions. I found it crisp, fresh and just well-written enough to appeal to everybody - the covabulary wasn't too overdone, in that everybody could understand it easily without having to focus on a certain word for overall clarification. Some of the stanzas are just so simply conveyed it was a joy to see for once from you. You didn't complicate things unneccesarily, as sometimes I feel that you do (of course, that could just be your style of writing, but I can appreciate the one used here better). So generally I enjoyed this poem, without loving it. I'm gritting my teeth in an attempt to pinpoint why I don't find it as great as others I've loved, but I guess it's just personal preference rather than a reason I can pin down quickly.

Nictpick:

"It must have burned to
be in a city so rich
and vibrant so full <------------------I think a comma after 'vibrant' would help. Otherwise it gets confusing (to me, anyway)
of green parks and
happy people, did you cry
the first time you learned
nobody cares? "

Wow.

Okay, I know I've read this before, on AIM. But I just needed an excuse to read it again. Now, for pointage reasons (lol) I will tell you what I liked in full detail...

'...grass-tainted blue jeans on your knees.'- I love that line. It's exactly what you think when you see a kid with grass stains...My only thing, it's kind of awkward. Maybe '....the grass-tainted knees of your blue jeans.'

'You have that look of dark circularity about...'- I love this entire stanza, I just don't really get how the word 'circularity' fits into this context. ? I'll probably get it eventually, just wondering.

'...the first time you learned nobody cares?'- When I first read the line about teaching yourself not to care, I was all 'Brad's going insane, call 911' but then I got it when I read this stanza...and it fits in quite perfectly. Very ahhh...and this stanza really helps you understand the entire poem. Niiiice.

'How many times do I have to write apologies before you give in...'-The beginning (this line) to the stanza was kinda...lame...but the rest of the stanza was great. Especially the part about the lost emails. So true, so true.

'And does the girl on your bed really symbolize something transcendent and patriotic...'- Like I said before, I really, really liked this stanza. It was funny, it was reminiscent of several people I know...lol.

'I mean—are you really going away, or just temporarily forgetting everything?'- Oh...my...gosh...I love this last stanza. This is so me. I must have like premature Alzheimer's or something...seriously. 'Sam, are you going anywhere this Saturday, or are you just temporarily forgetting everything?' Oh...i love that...I need to put it in my blog or something, if I have your permission lol.

So, after a second glance, I found I liked this poem a lot more than I did at first. It's soooo cool, and kind of funny, at times.

I loved the last stanza! That was beautilfull. I'm not going to even try to critique that

This is different from your usual poems a little more simple, proberlly why I like it so!

Does the satin on your bed remind you
of white walls, fresh paint, the smell of
new cars, changing lives, stained t-shirts and
soft, grass-tainted blue jeans on your knees?

Loved it great start to them poem well opened!

How many times do I have to write apologies
before you give in
and respond to lost e-mails, how many times
will you let me cry over you
exactly in the manner I promised others I wouldn’t?

I can see myself thinking those thoughts I know I have *sounds strange?*

It was a good poem it was one where you coudl read it easily as firestarter said with out having to figure out what ever secound word said !

I haven't really anything to say about what to change sorry just rammbled on for a bit!
wu