Young Writers Society

The days grow short,
The moments end,
Good friends still lie,
Nice boys pretend,
To be so sweet,
To be so nice,
Lives waste away,
Aimed at suffice.
Time goes by,
Without a pause,
People get hurt,
For pointless cause.
Some lives begin,
To end in pain,
& some survive,
On pure cocaine.
Parents love,
But yet they leave,
& what is truth,
You can’t believe.
Guns are toys,
& war’s a game,
The strongest man,
Is full of shame,
& through it all,
The world must turn,
Living is painful,
In pain, we learn.

awww. lol. this was cute and nice (has a tendancy for saying cute btw)
nice wrds used, rythmed (gah...cant spell) well.
some of the sentaces were a tad short though, well actually all of them were, but that dont matter.
good job

Its kool!

I love it not only because it's so creative and beautiful, but because of its truthfulness and simplicity. I'll print it out and hang it in my room if you don't mind. Really, that's talent.

Wow - thank you so much! I'm touched..

Full of cliches yet nice in a way. Just take out the &s (come on, it's not that hard to write "and") and add a bit of interest and it'll be fine.

Wow, its so pretty! [I probably shouldn't use that word....] Your writing is very meaningful. It shows power and addresses problems in the world (at least, how i see it).

This is very beutiful, it flowed very niely and the ryhme sceame was very nice.
And I think you should leave off the comma here:

"Nice boys pretend,
To be so sweet,"

But this is very lovely work.

first of all...this flowed like a really, really long run on sentence. I don't know why, but it did. Is it that hard to write the word "and" instead of &??? It disrupted your flow. Your rrhyming was a little choppy and it really had a sweetness to it. I don't know if that was what you were going for... Anyway, you are a good writer and I'd like to see more, but this for some reason didn't do it for me...

hey i love this!

ok so it needs one or two things changed...
PLEASE change the '&'s to 'And's!

but overall this was nice and it flowed quite
well. i know some people dont like rhyming
poems but i think a bit of rhyme and rhythm
can make it feel more like a poem...

GOOD JOB!!!



~KayJuran~

It's cliched, and the flow is rather bumpy - with such small lines, change in syllables is easily noticeable The short lines make reading often annoying, but in a way it's simple and short, and nice.

I liked it. The rhyming didn't seem forced, but I agree with kayJuran. Change the &s!

I thought that was really neat. In pain, we learn. It is very true. The rhyming was smooth which was nice. It was beautiful and short. It could use a little more description in my opinion and it didn't really move me, but it was well-written.
-writersdomain

For quite a time, the title of this "poem" dissuaded me from letting my eyes have acrid holes burned into them from the radiating teenage cliche of death. Needless to say, I'm wrapping gauze around my head.

I knew it would not be as good as it potentially could be as soon as I saw you rhyming. The short, choppy lines do not comfort the poem or mold it into anything bearable, or offer a sense of neurotic impulses to the reader. It was very poorly planned and structured, because (as Jack said) you make your errors gleam like sun-reflected speckles in dark water.

While I understand what you might be trying to implicate with '&,' I do not think you achieved it and should therefore replace them with actual words. Yes, imagine that, writing and having to use words - you must be in shock.

Another error that radiates from this poem is the idea that you alone and you in ONE poem can encompass life. This is total balogne. Do not focus on large-scale ideas and topics; life doesn't and neither should you. Life is comprised of many events and ideas and deaths that all must be considered when evaluating it, but it is nearly impossible to encapsulate all into one. Do not mistake yourself for a great writer. Hubris is a downfall, a tragic flaw, that should be dealt with and removed as soon as possible. What you do not have, most likely, is this hubris, but it is what you convey to a reader when you tell them what life is. Never make that mistake.

*comes in after too long away...and applauds Incandesence* Thank you! I was getting ready to rip this to pieces when I came along your bit there at the end. I'm sorry, but this wasn't good. It has about a third graders sentence structure, what the nine cirlces of hell are with the &'s, the rhyming seemed forced and whimsical, like you put it there because you suddenly decided you wanted a rhyming poem...it sounds like a jump rope rhyme for the sadistic kiddies who want to make mommy gasp.