Young Writers Society

i used to try and work out
when you closed your eyes
your brown, beautiful eyes
whether it was ecstasy
or escapism.

the months have passed
slowly, but i realised
that only the latter
makes perfect sense.

when you cried out
i never believed
it would be your hidden pain
your unspoken terror.

but all those small things,
sideways glances
subtle avoidances,
told me everything.

it's been so long
your face
is inscribed in my mind
no more.

only the flickering,
the god awful flickering
of a computer screen
keeps me warm at night.

Eh...kind of indifferent. Not the best poem you've written, Firestarter, but not the worst either.

the fourth stanza just kind of reminded me of Blink 182. 'all the small things, truth lies, truth brings...' ya. crazy. i know.

and i love the last stanza. I think all of us here can relate to that....

Fixings. Let's do that next, shall we?

First of all- the word escapism. 'Something such as fantasy or entertainment that makes it possible to forget about the ordinary or unpleasant realities of life for a while'. If her eyes are escapism to you, why is she completely dissing you? Why would she give you that kind of look if she kind of hated you? I think you have the basic idea...just need perhaps a changing around of some of the lines in the poem. I could be wrong, but...nah. I couldn't be wrong.

'the months have passed slowly, but i realised that only the latter makes perfect sense.'- this stanza is...dunno, just kind of awkward to me. [this is just my suggestion] try- 'the months creep by, and i am realizing that only the latter makes perfect sense.' That's not a heck of a lot better, but...like i said, it's only a suggestion.

'when you cried out i never believed it would be your hidden pain your unspoken terror'- Another one where you just have to go 'what?' If her eyes were escapism to you, why would there be hidden pain and unspoken terror? With this stanza, it's like you obviously know something more about this whole situation than we do. help us figure out what that something is.

'but all those small things, sideways glances subtle avoidances, told me everything.'- 'i know you'll be at my show watching, waiting, commiserating...'
gosh. I have that stupid thing stuck in my head...and this didn't help whatsoever Firestarter!!! ha ha. But what did these small things (turn the lights off, carry me home...nah nah- ok i'll stop) subtle avoidences and sideways glances tell you? Like you said, her eyes were escapism...certainly she wouldn't do this kind of thing to you.

Two stanzas from the end- uhm...who cares? It's not really very making much sense...like that sentence. But the last stanzas ok. It's funny...although I think god awful's one word.

Cool poem.

Well, you can tell that your 11 from your reply to that poem.

I would expect most people to understand what I was saying...well I hope so. I'm not going to spell it out to you.

First of all- the word escapism. 'Something such as fantasy or entertainment that makes it possible to forget about the ordinary or unpleasant realities of life for a while'. If her eyes are escapism to you, why is she completely dissing you? Why would she give you that kind of look if she kind of hated you? I think you have the basic idea...just need perhaps a changing around of some of the lines in the poem. I could be wrong, but...nah. I couldn't be wrong.

Let's se...my poem says "i used to try and work out/when you close your eyes.....whether it was ecstasy or escapism". I don't people need to be told what the ecstasy is. Escapism my closing your eyes makes sense to me. It's not a look, it's me wondering whether she liked it or disliked it. Escapism I meant as in thinking of something else, hiding from me.

'the months have passed slowly, but i realised that only the latter makes perfect sense.'- this stanza is...dunno, just kind of awkward to me. [this is just my suggestion] try- 'the months creep by, and i am realizing that only the latter makes perfect sense.' That's not a heck of a lot better, but...like i said, it's only a suggestion.

I might use your first line, thanks for the suggestion.

'when you cried out i never believed it would be your hidden pain your unspoken terror'- Another one where you just have to go 'what?' If her eyes were escapism to you, why would there be hidden pain and unspoken terror? With this stanza, it's like you obviously know something more about this whole situation than we do. help us figure out what that something is.

Yes, I can see why you might not understand. The stanza was supposed to show that people can cry out for two reasons - pleasure, and pain. Obviously I didn't make it clear...but it was working off the first stanza. I never, repeat, never said her eyes were escapism. I said her closing her eyes was escapism. I apologise for the confusion. I guess this could be more clear...but what do you want? A flashing sign?

But what did these small things (turn the lights off, carry me home...nah nah- ok i'll stop) subtle avoidences and sideways glances tell you? Like you said, her eyes were escapism...certainly she wouldn't do this kind of thing to you.

You really didn't understand this poem at all, did you? You totally missed the point, and I'm bored of telling you what it is. If somebody looked away from you while you were with them constantly, what do you think?

But yeh, generally, you didn't get this. I may try and re-word the first stanza so you get it.

I don't have much time to evaluate this poem but from the first view I loved it, really could relate to it as I'm sure I've mentioned in many poems of mine I sit in darkness the flickering light of the computer screen my only friend as well

I really did love it, I mean yeah i may not be your best but how'd you know you've done your best yet!


it's been so long
your face
is inscribed in my mind
no more.

This stanza breaks it up a bit, with the short lines... ( as I say will comment more when I have time)

only the flickering,
the god awful flickering
of a computer screen
keeps me warm at night.

Loved it really great ending completed the poem... lovey poems like this a quite hard to write now-a-days due to every one writing very similar things...

wu

Thanks. haha

It's just something I noticed because, at first glance, you go 'what?!' you get it eventually, i just thought you needed just a little bit more explanation.

It's supposed to be sort of abstract, and i respect that, I just wanted to give you something more useful than 'wowsers you're a good poet.'

Yeh, Sam, it's alright. I'm sorry if I came off a little annoyed, not been a good weekend.

I might edit it this but I like the way it is right now.

Thanks Wulie for your suggestion.

The first four stanzas served a purpose you will eventually be able to say in one. Not that I could do it, nor would I offer up such blasphemy; however, you are an amazing writer, who, like Shakespeare, will learn to condense phrases and pack pounds inside every word. I adore your poetry, and there are certainly things wrong with this poem, things to be improved, things to be modified, but I'll let you figure them out. I will not so dim your greatness with my unworthy hands.

As to the rest of the poem, it was well-written and developed. The ending was very nice, bittersweet, smoldering. My only complaint was it could have been shorter.