Young Writers Society

Stepping into the shower,
into my haven
into a trance-like state.

Stepping out of the hall,
out of the world,
out of my exhausted self.

I command the water
to run fast and hot.
If it had a choice, would it not?

I watch the streams
forcing my hair into its tapered frames.
If it had a choice, would it not?

The shampoo oozes
in between the spaces of my clasped hands.
If it had a choice, would it not?

The hot water ghosts
cling onto the glass door like it's been a long time.
If it had a choice, would it not?

Stepping out of the shower,
out of my haven,
out of my trance-like state.

Stepping into the hall,
into the world,
into my renewed self.

If I had a choice, would I not?

Hey there~

Now, when I read the first two paragraphs, I really thought you were just going to go on about taking a shower. But, I was quite pleased that you changed that in the end. Well, some what.

Anyways,

I really liked the fact that you used the "If I/it had a choice, would I/it not?" at the end of the middle paragraphs. Even though, it fitted well into a few paragraphs, it was obvious you were trying to force it in the others. Like, for example:

I watch the streams
forcing my hair into its tapered frames.
If it had a choice, would it not?

Why would your hair want to reduce in it's thickened frame?

The hot water ghosts
cling onto the glass door like it's been a long time.
If it had a choice, would it not?

Ah, why wouldn't it? I wouldn't want to cling on to a door.

Now the ending. It was actually, in a way, quite nice.

Stepping into the hall,
into the world,
into my renewed self.

If I had a choice, would I not?

But you added the "If I had a choice, would I not?" phrase. You did have a choice. You went an took a shower. That line is completely unnecessary.

Also, describing what you do in a shower is completely unnecessary. If you used some metaphors, it would be a better poem. This is something that I'd write. (That's not a compliment. When I get a writers' block, my poems usually come out into something like this. xD )

So yeah. You have got potential, you just need a good plot.

Keep rhyming!
-TwistedMuffins.

I enjoyed this. It put meaning into taking a shower. That was sort of funny, in a really good, meaningful way.
Anyway, I think you should just cut all the 'If it had a choice, would it not?' All of them. They added nothing and took away loads. That's my opinion, anyway. You could add in another line to the verses. Edit it a bit. Minus that annoying line, it reads like this.

Stepping into the shower,
into my haven
into a trance-like state.

Stepping out of the hall,
out of the world,
out of my exhausted self.

I command the water
to run fast and hot.

I watch the streams
forcing my hair into its tapered frames.

The shampoo oozes
in between the spaces of my clasped hands.

The hot water ghosts
cling onto the glass door like it's been a long time.

Stepping out of the shower,
out of my haven,
out of my trance-like state.

Stepping into the hall,
into the world,
into my renewed self.

Much better... You could swap the first two verses round. You normally leave the hall before you step into the shower.
I get what you're trying to say with the repetitive line. If you reworded it a bit, and didn't use it quite as much, it could be good. I think this poem has a lot of potential. Keep writing!