Not My Turn

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Sat Dec 17, 2011 3:14 am

qaralynn says...

I'm not going back to apologize,
Not again, not this time.
Through time I forgot the reason for a sorry
But I just remembered the reason why.
It's for when you are the one who did wrong.

It seems like this time it's not my turn.
I honestly did all I could to keep you close to me.
Even in my most fragile moment I let you in,
Though I saw the knife you kept pointing at me.
Am I supposed to say sorry for trusting you?

You seem to never have read the rules of friendship,
But I can assure you that breaking all your promises
Is definitely against every one of them.
You have a problem with rules, don't you?
You're so lost, you don't even know what to do.

Perhaps you never meant for me to get hurt,
I know that somewhere down there lays a good heart,
But sweetheart, it's time that you start to realize
That everything you do has consequences
And you might never feel a thing, but I'm suffering under them.

I need to finally hear you say a true sorry
But somehow you just won't,
Somehow you just can't.

Last edited by qaralynn on Sun Dec 18, 2011 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

"If they can't be with you at your worst, then they don't deserve to be with you at your best."
-Murtuza-

"Even though a ship won't sink at sea, it needs to be steered to get home."

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Sat Dec 17, 2011 3:26 am

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catslikebooks2 says...

oh, this is good! I can feel the anger bubbling just beneath the surface!This poem really portrays the story of the complications of friendship when one friend doesn't know the definition. This poem is also well written and structured in a way that flows.There appears to be a back-story behind this piece, and it gives you just enough information to feel as though you know what it is. The emotions in the poem are well formed and easy to understand. Well formed, well written, well structured, well done!

"You know how writers are... they create themselves as they create their work. Or perhaps they create their work in order to create themselves."-Orson Scott Card
Cats are awesome! So are books!so obviously; catslikebooks2!

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Sat Dec 17, 2011 3:33 pm

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SwallowedByInsanity says...

qaralynn wrote:I'm not going back to apologize,
Not again, not this time. (You use time here twice, and it really takes away from the flow of the poem)
Through time I forgot the reason for a sorry
But I just remembered the reason why.
It's for when you are the one who did wrong. awkward wording!~

It seems like this time it's not my turn. try something like, 'appears'
I honestly did all I could to keep you close to me.
Even in my most fragile moment I let you in, << make this into another line, it'll add more emphasis on it.
Though I saw the knife you kept around pointing at me.
Am I supposed to say sorry for trusting you? *apologize

You seem to never have read the rules of friendship, awkward wording!~
But I can assure you that breaking all your promises
Is definitely against every one of them.
You have a problem with rules, don't you?
You're so lost, you don't even know what to do. I love the section highlighted in purple!

Perhaps you never meant for me to get hurt,
I know that somewhere down there lays a good heart,
But sweetheart, it's time that you start to realize
That everything you do has consequences
And you might never feel a thing, but I'm suffering under them. I love this stanza as well, your poem really brings a nice closing. Keep writing!

I need to finally hear you say a true sorry
But somehow you just won't,
Somehow you just can't.

Love is a poison, but it is also the antidote.

The insanity at my fingertips is not even slightly coherent.

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Points: 1590
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Sat Dec 17, 2011 5:51 pm

Xyra says...

This poem is exactly how I feel right now. I just want to hug it now. XD
I'm not the best at reviewing poems but I really like this one, it seems to have a voice of its own.
I don't think you need to change anything that hasn't already been mentioned, I agree with the little bits of awkward wording. But other than that it's PERFECT!!

More Than Words Can Say
Forever Yours
Xyra Pekkala

PS I will love you forever if you review my story Maia (revised version!)
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=92852
I'll review something of yours in return

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Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:49 am

EnchantedPanda says...

Hello qaralynn,

It's dreaming person here to review! <333 This is such a beautiful poem, honestly I loved this! I can really relate to the message that this poem conveys and I love the simplicity yet power of your words! I have felt this feeling before and I know the many emotions that this can create, anger, sadness and another indescribable emotion. You have done a great job of displaying these and you have made everything in this subtle and still very strong which I love. This would have to be one of the best poems of your that I have read in terms of the message behind this.

Not again, not this time.
Through time I forgot...

Notice the repetition of the word "time" in these two lines? I think that it disrupts the nice flow that you have just begun creating in this piece and it slows down the momentum that the reader had before. This then detracts from the magnificence of this piece and gives it less strength.

Through time I forgot the reason for a sorry

At the end of this quoted line you use the phrase "for a sorry". Although there isn't anything hugely wrong with this I think that "for an apology" would make more sense but this might just be me and you can feel absolutely to ignore this suggestion.

Though I saw the knife you kept around pointing at me.

I don't understand this line at all, you wrote "you kept around pointing at me." but I think what you mean is "you kept pointing at me." or "you kept pointing around me." What you have at the moment simply doesn't make sense but can be easily fixed.

I need to finally hear you say a true sorry
But somehow you just won't,
Somehow you just can't.

This is my favorite stanza! It ties the poem together really nicely and it's so darn lovely and powerful! Such a brilliant way to finish off a sweet and amazing poem! <333

From DreamingForever

Want a review? Anyone?

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Points: 979
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Mon Dec 19, 2011 1:47 pm

greg925 says...

Nice work, just one thing I noticed wrong with this. The rhythm in the fourth and fifth stanzas don't really match the flow of the rest of the poem. I like the second, the part where you said: "Even in my most fragile moment I let you in, even though I saw the knife you kept pointing at me." Overall, very well done.

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