Young Writers Society

- War doesn't prove who is right, only who is left.


Strange thing that is;
Scarlet rain pouring down.

Strange sound that is;
Clash of iron and steel.

Strange taste that is;
Of pain, terror and might.

Strange land that is;
Where sun shines on the end.

Strange voice that is;
Telling them all what to do.

Strange touch that is;
A brother I do not know.

Strange smell that is;
Pungent, sickly and empty.

Strange idea that is;
That won’t solve a thing.

Strange enemy that is;
Never even seen his face.

Strange home that is;
Probably never get back.

Hey Thalizar!!!! Dogs here! This is a great idea for a poem! Not everything you write has to be completely personal and relate to your life and those in your life. Not knowing someone in the war dosn't hinder this piece at all in my opinion at least. Anyways... This is really good, great imagery and you use strong words in here, however. I do like the repetition of

"strange *blank* that is"

It gets tiring near the 7th time i've read it. Yes you change the "*blank*" all the time but maybe you should try also changing the "that" to "this" or "these" or whatever. Just to throw in a little variety.

"Strange thing that is;
Scarlet rain pouring down."

Great line! All and all this is a good piece but the "strange thing" thing gets to repetitive at the end. But keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Thanks a lot Dogs! I agree, I even started to bore myself with the repetition, I'll update it and improve it. Thanks for the review nonetheless!

Hello, Thalizar! Rose here!

First off, I like this poem. I actually wrote one sort of like it a ways back; in fact, it used repetition as well. I'm going to give you almost the same critique about this as reviewers gave me about my poem; they both have similiar problems and issues.

The first thing I find issue with is the overuse of repetition. Like Dogs, I agree that it got old after the first few times. Repetition is good when used sparingly and appropriately; I don't feel like you did that here. Maybe if you used it the first time, started the other pairs of lines differently, and then used it as an opening for the last two lines, it would be much more effective.

Even the most powerful things grow weaker if you use them over and over. Your goal as a writer should be to use powerful words in ways so that their strength stands out and isn't hidden beneath stacks of other words.

Strange land that is;
Where sun shines on the end.

I'm not really sure what this means; perhaps it's just me. You might have put this in for a specific reason that is very important to you; I often do that with my own work. If you do have a specific reason, I'd love to know what it is.

All in all, good work!

Always keep writing!

-Rose

WOO! Love it!

Nope. This is not a review, just a comment!

Peace,
Solly<3

War doesn't prove who is right, only who is left.Strange thing that is; Scarlet rain pouring down.Strange sound that is;Clash of iron and steel.Strange taste that is;Of pain, terror and might.Strange land that is;Where sun shines on the end.Strange voice that is;Telling them all what to do.Strange touch that is;A brother I do not know.Strange smell that is;Pungent, sickly and empty.Strange idea that is;That won’t solve a thing.Strange enemy that is;Never even seen his face.Strange home that is;Probably never get back

Woooah.... I LOVED this one!!!
Great poem.. Easy to get and still with a lot of depht! I really enjoyed this but it got a little bit boring with the same intro at every new paragaph

Maybe it's just me - keep writting!

And again AWESOME POEM!

Hey, Thalizar!

This poem has a lot of good meaning behind it. And I like the question-answer type of format you have going on here. You're writing about the trials of war and that makes this poem a whole lot more serious than it actually seems.

Despite being so fresh and great as it is, the poem does lack a certain sense of excitement as there is repetition. I'm not so fond of repetition, but the way you've made it blend in with the lines is good. Nevertheless, an extraordinary ode to the soldiers of war.

I'm looking forward to more reads so keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Hi! I'm here to review, as requested!
OK, so Iiked this. I really get what you were going for and I get that there was passion in your voice about this. I liked the idea of the poem, but it did become a little annoying and repetitive after a while. It seemed a little bit stuck and flat in a few places. You use some really great images, like 'scarlet rain' and then in the next stanza boring, deflated prose. It's not consistant, and those stick out like sore thumbs. I liked it, and the thought behind it, but I'd think about re-writing it. It packs no punch, and I wasn't emotionally effected at all by the sentiments. I'm sorry I may seem a little harsh, but it is just my honsest opinion.
Anyway, I hope my critisism has at least been constructive. I'm at work now and doing reception and the phone keeps ringing, so I better go.
Have a good day and keep writing, and, if you revise the poem, leave a comment on my wall and I will be happpy to take another look.
~ Amelia