Young Writers Society

Another bite of that pizza slice,
dignity chewed up in wads to swallow.
Seems tasty, but I'm getting fat and tired,
gray hair as stringy as the gooey cheese.
I pluck out pepperoni to stare at ventricles of brain.
The sauce I lick off my fingers with a smack of my lips,
drowning out familiar songs of Viagra commercials.
Sweat drops unhindered
for there's a knock on the door and I do not get up,
I do not get up.
My greasy fingers leave their imprint
on the buttons of my control,
switching the channel down and volume up
on the Lifetime network.
(It's about time something good comes on.)
Bite after bite, I ingest what I cannot taste,
I become what I cannot see: the empty cardboard,
stained, and coupon cut-outs advertise
the burning in my chest. The phone's upon the counter,
but I do not get up. I lay down,
try to plea to the shadows,
belching out what sounds like a moan.

Hmm ... a little confusing, but I liked it! There was few messages that I found in there. For example: obseity, anti-socialism, today's soceity. All in all, it was a very "real-life" poem, you took such a normal, rather un-peotic situation and transformed it into a well-written work of literature.

I agree with LividRose. You took a situation as simple and boring as eating a pizza alone in your living room and turned it into poetry. I loved the bluntness of your voice, it was refreshing. The first sentence was my favorite part and grabbed my attention. Great job!

Hi Audy,

This is...interesting. And kinda depressing too. Mostly depressing. Nevertheless, I definitely understand your purpose here. I like your intro a lot--the beginning two lines are really very nice, and definitely original.

Then,

Seems tasty, but I'm getting fat and tired,
gray hair as stringy as the gooey cheese.

It just seems a little flat. "Fat and tired". I feel like you, who are clearly a very good writer, could do better than that. For me, it's a lot of telling and not much showing. If you're going to tell, use creative vocab.

I do like the little details that you've used, the Viagra, Lifetime network. It really personalizes the poem.

My greasy fingers leave their imprint
on the buttons of my control,
switching the channel down and volume up
to the Lifetime network.

I like this part a lot, but the word "control" which I would change to "remote" or something of the sort. Also, the last two lines are just not quite grammatically correct--you wouldn't say "Switching the volume up to the lifetime network" you would say "Switching the volume up on the lifetime network"....I think.

I don't really have other technical issues with this. Only that it makes me feel very sad. But hey, that's probably the point.

Nice writing

sarebear

Hi Audy!

Wow, who knew that eating a pizza could get so intense? You've managed to get into the heart of the darkness that today's social forums portray and encourage. I'm quite amazed that you've managed to do such a nice job of showing the parallels between the pizza and the disintegrating self.

As Amy above me said, the poem is blunt and it doesn't try hard feeling sorry for its bluntness. The concept and the context is all good and I am interested in reading the rest of your writes!

Keep the ink flowing, Audy!

Murtuza

Hi Audy,

I'm so sorry this is so late, it's been a busy couple days. Thank you very much for your comments on my poem.

Ehhh, I'm a little torn. The way you wrote this poem is effective, but there's nothing pleasant to read about it. It's too frank and straightforward to actually enjoy and decipher since your intention is so full frontal that it's really quite unsurprising.

think about it:

Another bite of that pizza slice,
dignity chewed up in wads to swallow.

That introduction lacks any depth really. What we get from literal interpretation is exactly the extent of the depth of this poem and by doing that, you've axed your reader from pondering further, questioning, connecting the dots and dissecting that makes a poem memorable.

It's really difficult to arouse any emotion from such straightforward writing in poetry. It's the difference between saying:

"I had a dog" and saying "I had a dog" included with some fond description or anecdote about the dog. Your reader needs emotional context, you can be straightforward in voice but offer more depth then you do here. You don't have to answer all the questions, make your reader explore or we'll be as lethargic as the poem above.

Strength of a poem comes from being able to arouse emotion in a reader and by telling us all this in almost a grocery list, (solely telling) I fail to associate with anything you say. I become the third party spectator - overhearing about the content of your poem in some other conversation.

Appeal to your reader through their senses and their capacity to feel something on an emotional level. Don't list what's happening and expect the reader to make some deep and thought provoking inference from it, it's not going to have any power behind it.

Best of luck and PM me with any questions.

Kamas