Young Writers Society

You say that you love me dearly,
that all you want is me.
But how can I believe this,
if you say that you love her too?

She broke your heart,
and yet you still love her.
I don’t understand any of this.
Please, don’t tell me tha-

How? How could you do this?
How could you love her more?
More than me?
She won’t give you the time of the day,
and I’m here giving you all the time in my world.
But yet you love her more?

I don’t understand this,
any of this.
I don’t see how, or why.
You could love her still.
She doesn’t deserve your love.

Could I be her?
Should I be her?
Would that make you love me more?
Would that make you happier?
If I was her?

Please stop this.
I can’t take the insanity!
Don’t you understand?
That you can’t just love her too?
That you can’t just hurt me,
and expect me not to change?
Can’t you see that I love you more,
than she could ever love you?

Please, I don’t understand this.
You love me with all your world,
but her with all your heart.
Say it. You know that you want to.
You know its what you feel.
So say it. Just like you said everything else.
Words can only break my heart,
but I will never let them reach my soul,
not again.

I liked the first, almost-structured stanza, then a complete collapse of all control and a torrent of rage, disappointment and incomprehension running through the poem. The stanzas were good, but you could make the release of all control even more marked by structuring the fist stanza a bit more, if you like. But it is fine as is.

There was no rhyme or rhythm that I could see, which added to the poem. The repetition of questions and meanings was good, but the whole poem was about one thing and I was reluctant to read through all of it -- it went on too long.

There was one typo that I could find -- in the last stanza "its" should be "it's".

You could try replacing some of those commas with dashes etc. -- it becomes somewhat dull to see the same punctuation in all the lines!

Also to remove some of the prosiness of the poem, I would recommend some similes, metaphors, alliteration and assonance.

Nice poem altogether -- but it might need a bit of editing! It is fine just as it is, though. These things are just my own suggestions.

I appreciated the rawness of this. I agreed with barefootrunner, though, I think you should condense it into just your main ideas. I loved how the second and third stanzas sound like you are talking to the boy.

These are my suggestions:

How? How could you do this?
How could you love her more than me?
She won’t give you the time of the day,
and here I am giving you my world.
But yet you love her more?

I don’t understand this -
any of this.
I don’t see how, or why (no period here)
You could love her still.
She doesn’t deserve your love. I think that last line is so powerful.

The last stanza is extremely good! My favorite line of the whole poem is

You love me with all your world,
but her with all your heart.

Never stop writing!