Young Writers Society

water is my visitor,
he warms me with overbearing heat,
untangles my strained muscles,
and extracts haunting words from my mind.
they are replaced with ecstasy.

the running liquid steams,
fogging my hectic world,
I gently release my hold on cold Earth,
and slide from the surface.

then there is only silence,
silence, sweet silence, and a heartbeat.
breathe in, breathe out,
this hour is all that exists.

suddenly my chest is stilled.

a never-ending battle stops somewhere--
the lives of the innocent spared in my name.
there, 'hopeless' never gained meaning.
this time around-- nothing is left to fear.
my care can affect humanity.
and in a world so desperate for change,
there may yet be a purpose for me.

I crash from the hot water,
giving in to my desperate lungs...

the reason for my beating heart is suddenly clear.

Hi Charity,

Very nice poem you have here--well written, intriguing, not at all cliche. I feel like I've never read it before, which is unusual these days...so nice work on that!

I must say that I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about...not that that's a bad thing. But I don't know what you're writing about, so if that's your intent, you may want to clarify a wee bit.

Technically this is pretty much perfect. The only issue I had nitpick wise was your capitalization. Sometimes you capitalize at the beginning of a line after a comma, sometimes you don't capitalize at the beginning of a line after a period. Unless you have a specific reason for that, my advice to you is to make up your mind.

I really very much like your last two stanzas, and the end, although I don't understand it, is very satisfying. I like the completeness from the poem--wanting more information, but not feeling like you just drove me to the edge of a cliff and stamped on all of my fingers but one...

I'm afraid I can't comment on the content because I have no idea what it is. But I love your style--it's not overly flowery or filled with big words, but you have eloquence. Nice work!

Thanks for the read!
sarebear

I really enjoyed this poem as well. What confused me though, was the last paragraphs. I like an aura of mystery myself, but this just seemed random. You're talking about water, a battle, then the heartbeat thing. The ending was fine, and it was a resonable sized poem. However, you need to fill in the gaps, or else there will be confusion. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider

Thanks so much, both of you, for the reviews.
Yeah, I've been told that I'm an incomprehensible person. It was somewhat intentional in the poem, but thanks for pointing it out because I agree that it was very vague.
Haha, the poem is actually just about me gathering my thoughts, my goals, aspirations. And lately, the only way I've been able to do that is when I'm in complete silence. So... it's actually just an extreme dramatization of me taking a bath.
I've made a few changes, and I hope they make the poem more understandable..
Again, thank you both so much!!

Hey there, Charity!

I like the extreme dramatization and the imagery you've managed to capture. Your creative mind has great ways of expressing itself since it makes such great descriptions on the experience of bathing. Actually, I can sort of feel your sentiments too.

I'm not strong at giving critique but I can say that this poem sounds good the way it is. You've got talent and I'm looking forward to reading more from you. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

I really like this poem, your enigmatic and warm charater really shows through very strongly. I think the last few paragraphs refer to the conservation of water if im not mistaken? and obviously that returning to the real world feeling after a great experience you wish would never end... awesome work