Love's Introspection

I haven't written poetry in a long time, but this came to me last night. I feel like I could have a better ending, so rather than obsessing I thought I'd post it and get some help! I also made the title up on the fly. Silly titles...

Love's Introspection

Between a kiss and cuddle
Lies the breath of satisfaction:
The comfort as I pull you close,
Your smile not so subtle.

Lightning prickles on my skin
When your hand curls around my neck,
And I see the real in your eyes.
What we are is all we've been.

Others might ask how or why,
Craving words for the vibration,
Feigning a deep truth for themselves,
When they're staring at the lie.

Nothing special exists here,
Just you are you and I am I.
The smell of heat, the taste of sleep:
Love has never been so near.

---

hello there just stopping by to look at your poem, i went through it quickly and then reread it again and liked what i saw especially the first verse of this poem with the cuddles and kisses how the littlest affectionate things can seem to mean so much. on to the last verse paragraph i liked the ending but is this poem about how things between two people are great or about how some may seem so unreal and maybe you thought what you had wasn't what it seemed and noticed you were wrong.i just got confused is all but understood, great poem:)

I've never gone easy on you when it comes to critique, but I find myself left with very little critical to say after reading this. It is an intimate and evocative piece with subtle flecks of philosophy and the erotic--a pleasure to read, but not too much to swallow. It is more complex than it is rich, leaving it digestible, clear, and very relate-able. I don't think that playing with the word choice in certain spots would be detrimental to the piece. You could probably add to it, a stanza or two to fill out the middle a bit, to expose more of the good sensuality and significance you've done so well in constructing. I think that this last point is my only constructive criticism for the piece--it feels good, but it leaves me wanting a bit more, now that you've gotten my attention and stirred my senses. This being said, it stands very well as it is, but I'd be very interested to see where else it could go if you let it.

Suzanne! <3 You wrote(: And now I will try to review this...as you read this review keep in mind that I normally write prose so I'm not a poetry expert. Here goes:

Between a kiss and cuddle
Lies the breath of satisfaction:
The comfort as I pull you close,
Your smile not so subtle.

I'm not really sure about that colon. It would probably be a comma and a period after close...or you could find another way to punctuate that. And the last sentence in this stanza sounds a little off. "Is" might be a good word to put in there between smile and not.

Lightning prickles on my skin
With your hand curled around my neck,
And I see the real in your eyes.
What we are is all we've been.

Here the second line seems to be referring back to the first. It sounds like the lightning is curling it's hand around the narrator's neck. I know that's not what you mean but how I read it the first time. A period after skin will help with that. And I'm not entirely sure why see is italicized(; Also "I can see the real" what does that mean? Does it mean the reality..the realness? I'm not sure.

Others might ask how or why,
Craving words for the vibration,
Feigning a deep truth for themselves,
When they're staring at the lie.

I like this stanza but the last line threw me off a little bit. There are ways you could add on to that so that the "lie" part won't come as such a surprise. Because now I'm doubting the narrator's relationship and I didn't see that coming. You might want to lead into this a little more.

Nothing special exists here,
Just you are you and I am I.
The smell of heat, the taste of sleep:
Love has never been so near.

What? Nothing special is there but love has never been so near? I'm only 15 but I don't really know if that can happen simultaneously. I love the third line though(: And again with the colon...you may be a colon genius or something xD But I've never used colons twice so near each other.

Overall:
I liked this(: It was good for you not writing for a while. But when you go back there are a lot of places to add onto this and to make it more emotional and vivid. And the few places that were iffy were punctuation. Good luck, Suz! I hope this helps a little.
~peanut~

I love critical eyes!!

Ben: I'm glad I didn't disappoint. Your comment on adding is exactly my feeling when I question the ending. I can't tell if it needs more or not. But now as I read it, I like it as I is...selfish author that I am that makes me not want to lengthen it. but you suggestion playing with word choice. Any particular instances where I get boring? My use of meter made me limited in places, but if something stands out to you strongly I have brain enough to find a way to fix it.


Nut: thanks for the review! I'm glad I moved you out of your prose comfort zone. I agree with some of your punctuation corrections... I'll have to read though it a few times to check it myself for sure. As to changing some lines, like I said to Ben I have a meter going so adding/removing words may break that. The meter is 7-8-8-7. Oh, I love meter...


I loved your question about real. You asked the right questions, but it's not for me to answer. I want you, the reader, to think about it! Now to you love-nothing question... I was a bit vague, or at least symolic, in my meaning. I'm not fond of beating the reader over the head with my meaning, so while I could add to it and shout the obvious, I think that makes a bad poem. However, I'll explain it to yoou as I did to the first reviewer and perhaps that'll help you or others understand. There are a few key lines to the meaning, but without a careful eye it may not be seen.

The meaning of the poem is the simplicity of love's existence. A lot of people look at their lover, their relationship, and question it's existence. The poem's narrator, however, sees the "real" and knows the truth of the matter - the two people, being what they have always been even before knowing each other, are in love simply because of who they are. Fate, chance, luck, has nothing to do with it. In my rough draft I had a line referring to this. Do you think dropping a slightly larger suggestion such as this would help?


Again thanks so much, it feels so good to be writing and getting reviewed again!

Edit: just realized this is the ugliest line in the poem: With your hand curled around my neck... It's the only one in the past tense. Gunna try and fix that now.

It depends on how you drop in more. I think as a person who doesn't read poetry often, I am not the right person to ask this. Reading deeper into the words is something that poets are excellent at and the way you have explained it makes it wonderful. I wish that I had seen it when I read through the first time; I think that the other poets would understand it without you having to explain.
~peanut~

Hi Suzanne, nice to see you around again.

This is dull and the words don't have the strength to drive in the meaning you took time to carefully explain afterwards. Perhaps you don't like beating the readers head with meaning, but it is necessary to give us the puzzle pieces and not have us run in circles for words that aren't that interesting in the first place.

Let me explain:

This poem can very easily be misinterpreted.

Between a kiss and cuddle
Lies the breath of satisfaction:
The comfort as I pull you close,
Your smile not so subtle.

The first three lines establish the comfort of the narrator in a relationship. But the last line can almost be interpreted as something malicious and perhaps not so right (not so subtle) in the context of soft affections like kisses and hugs.

Lightning prickles on my skin
When your hand curls around my neck,
And I see the real in your eyes.
What we are is all we've been.

The second line of this stanza is so poorly worded that it could be mistaken as a mechancing gesture, like the shadow of choking. So now you've gone and turned this into a secretly abusive relationship and if we follow on that thread the next line nails in that point. That this is how things are and they won't change.

Others might ask how or why,
Craving words for the vibration,
Feigning a deep truth for themselves,
When they're staring at the lie.

Read this stanza in the same trend of thought. I shall not do it for you, and this sweet poem about the simplicity of love has been turned into an abusive relationship where the narrator is a masochist madly in love with their abuser. Which is not even close to your intention.

Be careful with your words and while you don't have to pound in meaning give us enough to avoid such vulgarization of your poem that you do not deserve. You can't leave threads flying when your wording is walking on a tightrope 40m up because you can't expect your reader to follow behind you without some coaxing. And while, I've made an extreme example of interpretation it's not a far stretch for any other reader to interpret other things that are closely related to most poetry about relationships.

Kamas

You know, Kamas, it's hard for me to agree with you. Why? Because I find your alternative interpretation to be AWESOME.

I love that what I write inspires two very differing ideas. I may have written it with one in mind, but the poem isn't for me - it's for the reader. And to receive two wildly different meanings from one poem is, in my mind, freaking awesome.

I do know what you mean though. I'm not very... to-the-point. I thought I was being exact in what I was saying but I can see how things can be misinterpreted.

Clau! So good to read you again!

As always, I really enjoyed this. Beautiful. I love the tone, especially in the last stanza, which was to my mind absolutely perfect.

I didn't feel there was enough in the first stanza to fully spark my interest. It wasn't fresh enough, especially compared to some of the rest of this, and I felt it was too quiet an opening.

I really enjoyed the second stanza. It was much fresher. The first line was very striking and I loved "see the real", and the quiet line which came after it.

I feel that stanza three was too abstract. I'd much rather it focused on images for what the speaker perceives her relationship to be and the way other people see it.

The final stanza was beautiful, pleasantly simple. I loved "the smell of heat, the taste of sleep" and the lovely final line which lingers on and lulls the poem to a gentle close.

A pleasure, as always.

Jas