Foolish Wisdom

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Hey Everyone! This is my first proper attempt at a rhyming poem, so please tell me what you think of it. It has quite a hidden meaning, but I'm sure some of you will pick up on it however I'm willing to explain my inspiration! Anyway please read and comment! - Thalizar


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Cards flutter and dice roll,
Exchanging contracts from the soul.
Dancing legs and waving arms,
Smiling children, our only charms.

Lightning strikes and thunder roars,
Cold fire power our stores.
Master creator and Ultimate killer,
Storming down from mights' great pillar.

A smile and a chuckle,
Sitting on floor, tightening buckle.
Throwing triads and holy sphere,
King, Queen, People to cheer.

Dark night, you are crazy,
Now the darkness mocks you: “Lazy!”
Ice breeze on marble floors,
Run to shelter from closed doors.

Run like Freak and play like child,
Senseless man are you wild?
Selfish in your disrespect,
Looking frozen down your neck.

Creation built and laughter ended,
Good and evil now have blended.
Evil amusement in this cruel world,
Cynical and twisted; curled and twirled.

You sit, perfectionist, golden crown,
Nothing left but to look down.
Prizes given and offerings shared,
No one longs to see thee scared.

Years drudge by and ideas flow,
Small images, come and go.
Forgotten hero, judgemental king,
Emptiness listens to hear you sing.

Finished completion and crumpled paper,
Swept up into the clouded vapour.
Once a scientist, now a comic,
Slowly drained of all your logic.

End is near, and sun is clouded,
Scheme and design is often shrouded.
Opened idea and the whole world shone,
Now your use is over and done.

Wise men cheer and hear you still,
Cutting Earth with mighty drill.
Foolish man is only smart,
Whilst his ideas lay within his heart.
Last edited by Thalizar on Mon May 30, 2011 7:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Man is free the moment he wishes to be" - Voltaire




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Here as promised! Overall, this poem was strong. Granted, a few cringe-worthy rhymes have been shoved in there, but on the whole this was a well-executed poem with lovely rhythm. I don't know If I'm just completely clueless, but, although I could tell there was something behind the words... ie another meaning...I hadn't the faintest idea what. Sorry! PM me to clarify if you fancy. Right, down to business...:)

Thalizar wrote:Cards flutter and dice roll,
Exchanging contracts from the soul.
Dancing legs and waving arms,
Smiling children, our only charms.

Lightning strikes and thunder roars,
Cold fire power our stores.
Master creator and Ultimate killer,
Storming down from might's the apostrophe should go afterthe s great pillar.

A smile and a chuckle,
Sitting on floor, tightening buckle.
Throwing triads and holy sphere,
King, Queen, People to cheer.

Dark night, you are crazy,
The darkness even mocks you: “Lazy!”
Ice breeze on marble floors,
Closed minds and closed doors.
- This, in my opinion. Is the weakest stanza. You grammar is perfectly fine, but the rhymes are cringy and forced. I'd re-write this stanza entirely.

Run like Freak and play like child,
Senseless man Comma are you wild?
Selfish in your disrespect,
Looking frozen down your neck.

Creation built and laughter ended,
Good and evil now hath You haven't used 'old english', as they say, anywhere else in the poem up till now. Don't just throw one in there. It disrupts the flow of the poem blended.
Evil amusement in this cruel world,
Cynical and twisted; curled and twirled.

You sit, perfectionist, golden crown,
Nothing left but to look down.
Prizes given and offerings shared,
No one longs to see thee scared.

Years drudge by and ideas flow,
Small images, come and go.
Forgotten hero, judgemental king,
Emptiness listens to hear you sing. - I liked this stanza :)

Finished completion and crumpled paper,
Swept up into the clouded vapour.
Once a scientist, now a comic,
Slowly drained of all your logic.

End is nigh again with the old English? If you're going to make it a feature, put a few nighs and hithers and what have you at the beginning, too and sun is clouded,
Scheme and design is often shrouded.
Opened idea and the whole world shone,
Now your use is over and done.

Wise men cheer and hear you still,
Cutting Earth with mighty drill.
Foolish man is only smart,
Whilst his ideas lay within his heart.


All-in-all, You've done a good job! I'd certainly like to know the inspiration, so PM me! All the best!

~ Amelia




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Hello there :)
I should warn you, I'm not a poet ;)

Anyway, there were definitely strong point in this poem like
Emptiness listens to hear you sing.
This line was rather beautiful! It says a lot.
Then again, after reading this poem, I had no idea what it's about and the obvious reason that popped into my head is that you focused a lot of energy into the rhyming and the rhythm so much so that it left very little for the conveying of the meaning. I feel every stanza has a new subject and it's just difficult for me to understand what's going on. I couldn't find the core purpose of the poem. But I'd like to know as well so pm me for the meaning, please :).

Keep writing and good luck
The best is what you make it!

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This is a really nice poem, though I haven't got one idea but many going through my head. It's so paradoxial (I love that!!), thus I must say that you are very creative. And for a first attempt at rhyming poetry, you did very well! :) The only stanza I find no flowing along with the rest is this one
A smile and a chuckle,
Sitting on floor, tightening buckle.
Throwing triads and holy sphere,
King, Queen, People to cheer.


I did not quite get it but the rest is lovely.
Keep it up!
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams




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I like it! The rhyming wasn't bad, I thought it was very creative. You had a lot of good things going on; metaphores and imagery and personification. Really well written. Great job!
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"



seagulls are bad sea chickens with no sense of humanity
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