Beautiful Flame

Hi everyone! Let me say that I always write with personal experiences in mind and so I hope to convey emotion through my pieces. Please let me know If I'm sucsessful in this particular work. Enjoy, and please review!

She prances like a deer,
Clapping, all-smiles,
Sinks into the cushy divan,
Warms the naked ruffles.

She curls her lean body
In toward him.
Oh - she’s subtle:
Inching her thigh
Slithering her limbs.

Suddenly
Their arms brush.

Nobody notices
Except me,
Sat in silence,
My pupils
Blazing Emerald.

I stiffen.

His eyes creep toward her;
She blushes,
Her eyes slip down;
he follows suit.

My fists clench.

He laughs gently;
Gazes at her
With his pretty brown eyes,
Sensual, leering,
Alive with light.

I stand to leave.

His eyes flicker
Rest upon my form:
Slender, shy.

A punch
Hits my stomach.

His eyes
no longer possess
That beautiful flame.

Thanks for reading and please LIKE if you enjoyed my piece!

Woahs. This surprised me a bit! Very steamy stuff you have here! So anyway, I think overall this was pretty good. It would be nice if you elaborated a bit on whats going on. I think that there are three people in the room... maybe? Two people on the divan and one in the doorway? I'm not sure, so if you could clear that up, maybe add another stanza to really tell us whats going on, that would be great. =] Overall a very solid piece, a thumbs up for you, keep it up =]

Hello there!
I came to this piece because your avvie was so cute! I thought it sounded interesting...

This took my by surprise! I was expecting a description of a beautiful woman of course but this was much stronger than I thought it would be! I'll nitpick now

AmeliaCogin wrote:She prances like a deercomma
Clapping, all-smiles,
Sinks into the cushy divan,
Warms the naked ruffles.

She curls her lean body
In toward him.
Oh - she’s subtle:
Inching her thighcomma
Slithering her limbs.

Suddenly
Their arms brush.

I stiffen.

His eyes creep toward her;
She blushes,
Her eyes slip down lustily
To the crack
Of her milky chest.

My fists clench.

He laughs gently;
Gazes at her
With his warm, black eyes, This seems like an oxymoron (Eeep! I used a big people word!) How can black eyes be warm? ~In my imagination they seem cold.
Sensual, leering,
Alive with light.

I stand to leave.

His eyes flicker
Rest upon my form:
Slender, shy.

A punch
Hits my stomach.

His eyes
no longer possess
That beautiful flame.

It would be good if you gave us a few bearings as it's difficult to tell where everyone is. Are there two people and one stood nearby, or is the person simply watching a film/t.v show?
Overall though a good piece, keep writing!

I really don't know much about poetry, but I liked it, I think you did a pretty good job conveying emotions through your writing. Again, I don't know much about poetry, so I can't really help you out much, I just wanted to say that I liked it

This reads like a movie scene. Each line is quick and moving. I hope that makes sense. I keep reading it over and over again because I love the feel of it. It's like the narrator of a silent film is telling the story as it happens. It's really cool!

This is a beautiful. I love how you compare fire to a woman. The personification is a wonderful thing.