Imperfectly Fit

Our hands don't seem to fit
nor do our voices or our minds 
or any of the many parts of you and I.
And that lack of fitting,
fits us perfectly. 

The breeze carries your breath
and I can smell the whiskey on your lips.
Crossing my heart, I hope to die
in pursuit of your crooked teeth
tapping against mine.

If I lean closer, will you stop me
from running my fingers against your cheek
to map the pattern of your stubbled skin?
The path of your nose
is my slanted north.

Dark circles dance 'round dark eyes
and I can see you watching me
as I swing my feet left - then right.
I'm wearing your socks,
A pair of too-big treasures.

The backs of your hands are bronze -
the sun and I have kissed you too often -
and your fingers mix with mine,
perfectly fitting
where perfect shouldn't fit.

Hello lily! Here to do a quick review! I liked this poem: the message it projected ect. I don't really know if the title is gramatically accurate. Shouldn't it be 'imperfect fit'? Correct me if I'm wrong, of course.

Just one critisism really.

lilymoore wrote:in pursuit of your crooked teeth
tapping against mine.

- I know what you're trything to say but I don't like the image you create. It's a little strange, even disgusting.

Thats all for now. I'm on the like button! btw, I'll follow you!
~ Amelia

The imagery is positivly splendid, as is your use of detail. My favorite part was

The backs of your hands are bronze -
the sun and I have kissed you too often -
and your fingers mix with mine,

I didn't like the second stanza though... you need to make bad things sound good, not bad things sound bad. I would just try to tweak it a bit. I don't think the various connotations of whiskey fit in this instance.
I did really like how the end circles back to the beggining. It is a truely amazing poem-- great work. Its also stylisticly unique, which is excellent

Your mom, Lily.

Anyway, I reallyreallyliked this. I just want to mop up a few spills here and there and see where we can take this to make it AWESOMER.

To kick things off, you need to insert some form of punctuation at the end of line one; be it a semi-colon, dash, or comma, play around with it and see what works. It just needs some sort of halt to keep things from crashing on the very first stanza. To counter this, line four needs to lose its comma—I feel like it pauses the reader in the wrong place and gives a little hiccup to your flow. The “or” in line three should probably be changed to ‘nor’ to match its partner just the line above it. Just keepin’ things real, homie.

Fahrvergnügen.

In stanza two, I feel like there should be some sort of descriptive clause after you talk about the whiskey on his lips. Honestly, I’m pretty bad with overkilling the imagery, so it may be too much; I would just play with it and see what happens. “Crossing my heart, I hope to die” feels almost too cliché of an inverted cliché. I would definitely play with this and try to replace it; it’s a motif that doesn’t quite fit with the rest, like it’s off-key.

Also, you get points for writing a lovey poem and mentioning an imperfection in the other person. Not very many peeps will do that. LOOK AT LILY KEEPIN’ IT REAL LIKE A PANDA.

I love the first three lines of stanza three. Realistic imagery that probably flew through your head before telling this guy to shave. Anyway, I feel like “The path of your nose / is my slanted north,” should be prefaced by something else. It’s one of those lines that breaks the imagery in a poem, so it usually comes best in pairs for major effect.

I’m not too fond of the sock imagery, or your calling them treasures. Granted, I just don’t like socks/feet in general, so they just don’t mesh in poetry for me. Also, un-capitalize the “A” in “A pair”.

Stanza five is my favorite. Especially line two. Love line two. And you wrap things up pretty nicely, but the ending feels disconnected because that motif didn’t show up since the beginning of the poem, and it probably should have. Insert more webbing between the two and try to make the thoughts connect.

Lovely poem, Lilster. <3

-Lumester

Nice! I like the imagery, though it seems to wind and spiral a bit. Then there's the rhyming which I don't understand if it's supposed to rhyme or not. I love both types of poetry, but if you have one rhyme in your poem, you should have many. Over all the imagery is really great and I can see myself in that position. The thing I have the most trouble with though is how in the middle it almost seems as if you don't like this individual, then switch back to loving him, then kind of portray both. Still great imagery though.

I had a critique-- start a new line at the or on line two, take away the period because the last sentence (of the first stanza) seems like a fragment-- but then I went back and didn't really have a problem with it.

I don't know why everyone's so down on the second stanza. So you like things others might not--so what? That's what you (or at least, the person talking in this poem) love about your S.O.

And I love the line about the socks. Wonderful.

Overall, you did a really good job here. I like it.

Hey Lily! Loved this poem, very unique. I agree that the "crooked teeth tapping against mine" is almost.....creepy.
I also didn't really like the part "Crossing my heart, I hope to die", I think it's be better as "cross my heart, i hope to die". But thats just me. Other than that, there was nothing I could think of to fix. Write on!

Hey Lily.

So, I really liked this poem a lot. It was really meaningful and sweet, and it was easy to relate to. There isn't a whole lot wrong with it. There are places where your composition is a little fuzzy and your imagery could be a bit stronger, but overall it's a solid piece from start to finish -- you definitely know how to write poetry well. So, I just had a few brief comments.

Like the others, I didn't like the imagery of "crooked teeth against mine". I get what you're trying to say, but perhaps it could be portrayed in a different way? Maybe mention moving in for the kiss first, and then take notice of how his teeth are crooked.

"Cross my heart and hope to die" is another line that could be revised. It's not terrible, but we've heard it so many times and I know you could probably think of something stronger, more creative, etc. You can still say what you're trying to say with this line, but perhaps phrase it in a different way?

Lumi also mentioned strengthening some of the stanzas by being more descriptive; I agree with him. Though, this is very well written overall and I didn't have much else to add; hope this helps. Keep writing, and of course, feel free to let me know if you had any questions.

~ Elinor