Vanished, As If You Werent There

we walk together at the airport
i brace myself for the goodbye
i see the excitment and the grief in your eye
you want to leave, but you want to stay
you really have to leave today?
you say your flying 1st class
i feel like im swallowing glass
hot tears burn my eyes
as we make our goodbyes
gone as if you couldn't care
vanished as if you weren't there

Short and Sweet, I like it, however;

we talk together at the airport Does this need to be here? I think just once is fine
we walk together at the airport
i brace myself for the goodbye
i see the excitment and the grief in your eye Should be excitement
you want to leave, but you want to stay
i have to go anyway Don't you mean, "You have to go anyway"?
you say your flying 1st class
i feel like im swallowing glass
hot tears burn my eyes
as we make our goodbyes
gone as if you couldn't care
vanished as if you weren't there <<<< Love this line, a lot like my "The Girl Alone" It's good


Overall a good poem, I like it, more punctuation though. A period at the end would be good, maybe in a separate stanza to physically show the way he has "gone"? Commas need to be added as do Capital Letters but still, nice theme and idea

----- Thal

i agree with Thal, "i see the excitement and the grief in your eye" excitement doesn't match the feeling of grief
in over all very good well done, look upon punctuation too...
keep up the good work

I like the poem. I think it has emotion and I love the last two ines. The last two lines just made the poem special. NIce work and I will be looking foward to more work from you.

Hi inimitablebeauty!

inimitablebeauty wrote:i see the excitment and the grief in your eye

Agreed with the other reviewer that excitement and grief doesn't match up. I understand what you're trying to get across though.

inimitablebeauty wrote:you really have to leave today?

I think that it's better to put a 'do' in front of the sentence.

inimitablebeauty wrote:you say your flying 1st class
i feel like im swallowing glass

Okay, I don't get what you're trying to get across here, I get that you would feel like you're swallowing glass if you say that you're boyfriend's leaving. But why would you be swallowing glass if he's flying first class? It seemed like the miniscule detail of what type of class he'll be flying in shouldn't really add to your misery.

inimitablebeauty wrote:hot tears burn my eyes

A bit of a cliche happening here.

inimitablebeauty wrote:vanished as if you weren't there

Love this line though.

I like this poem, although I feel that it does need some puncuations and capitals in the beginning. Other than that, it's quite well done.