Longing for a lost Lover

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Longing for a lost lover

Thunder, I’m a spirit who wanders the universe on my own
Through eternity, dear Thunder, I walk alone.
Thou are not, Thunder, my owner.
Truth is, I’m a mere loner.

Thunder, you're longing for someone you cannot have,
I'm a mere shadow, I won't return your love.
I would instruct you not to ever wonder.
You'll get lost, when you see me yonder.

Thunder dear, you do not own me,
Because you see love, I am free.
Your love for me is stunning,
but I’ll keep running

- As you keep wonder, if I’ll ever be yours.
Last edited by Demoness on Fri Feb 18, 2011 12:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost




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Longing for a lost lover

Thunder, I’m a spirit who wanders the universe on my own
Through eternity, dear Thunder, I walk alone.
Thou are not, Thunder, my owner.
Truth is, I’m a mere loner.

Thunder, you're longing for someone you cannot have,
I'm a mere shadow, I won't return your love.
I would instruct you not to ever wonder,
You'll get lost, when you see me yonder.

Thunder dear, you do not own me,
Because you see, I am free.
My beloved Thunder,
I’ll keep wander. - It would have to be "wandering" which would kill the rhyme. I suggest you change it if you want to keep the rhyme.

- As you keep wonder, if I’ll ever be yours. Not so sure I quite understand this last one.


Hope this helped. I like the structure of it, as in, always getting smaller. However, try to choose your words a little better, especially if they don't really make sense, as in the last "wander".

I liked it though. Good job.
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User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8572
Reviews 424
...
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost



I say Wolf, for all wolves are not of the same sort; there is one kind with an amenable disposition – neither noisy, nor hateful, nor angry, but tame, obliging and gentle, following the young maids in the streets, even into their homes. Alas! Who does not know that these gentle wolves are of all such creatures the most dangerous!
— Charles Perrault