A Moment when all things stop (poem)

Hi, Hayley10019. I'm Freak.
I like this piece, it's relatable and cute. But every good piece needs a little editing. Nitpicks:

A moment when all things stop is what I'd like to see.
A moment when all pain is gone
And everyone is free (Period)
Where no one is too busy to listen to a word (Comma)
Where everyone is yeilding (Comma)
Were everyone is heard (Comma)
Where no fights are ever started (Comma)
When no pain can come to be (Comma)
When a single tear can't drop (Comma)
And smiles are all they'll ever see (Period)
When everyone is content
And everyone can see
What truely "Truly" people I'd suggest switching the words "Truely" and "People" around
are
And how that's came to be (Period)
When no judging can occur (Comma)
When no hearts can be hurt
And when everyone is how they are
And everyone can see Repeating "And everyone can see" feels wrong and messes up your rhythm
This is how they really are
And this is who they'll always be Great ending

Most mistakes involved commas and periods - punctuation - but good job. Write on and PM me for anything.

~Freak

Haha thank you! I put all the period and commas on...but when I copied & pasted it, it didn't seem to work. But thank you! (:

Hello there!

I liked this, it was sweet and simple. At first i wasn't all into the repatision, but by the end it just fit.

A place like this would be lovely, but really, I wonder if ever there will be a such a place. I dont think there ever could be...

Here are my little comments:

Red- Grammar mistakes
Blue- Things that are my opinion

Where everyone is heard << You forgot the "h"

When no pain can come to be << This line seemed to mess up the flow to the poem abit.

What truely people are << I think this would sound better if you flipped the two words around. I had some trouble reading other this line and had to go back and reread it, I think flipping the words can fix that.

When no judging can occur
When no hearts can be hurt << To me, I think that "can" would sound better as "will" Like no hearts WILL be hurt. Like, its not like they can't, but they just wont, because thats how things go. If that amkes any sence...

Like I said, I really liked this!

~Rain~

Hey, well done, i think this was really good! I tried to write a poem like this once but it failed unfortunately ;( Yours didn't, though! I liked the subtle repetition and ryhme. Overall it flowed quite well!

This is a poem that almost everyone can relate to and understand. Its simplicity and directness are what give it its draw, but for me they were also its biggest weakness. Everything was stated outright and there was very little in the way of poetic language. You have a cute poem as it is, but if you want to elevate it to something higher than that, try using imagery and metaphor to show your point. If you can make this more poetic while maintaining its clear, relatable tone, you'll have an excellent piece.
Keep writing. I enjoyed it

Thank you all! (: I like your ideas, and hope to fix what needs to be! Thank you soo muchhh! (: