And the dark thoughts expand once again.

chynelk5 wrote:

Winged angel of the night,
Fly into my nightly visions.
Change the course of the path I set,
As I sway in and out of conciousness.
Take the first full stop away and replace it with a comma.

With sword in hand,you fight the dark.
Your shield shining like the sun.

Then No Comma!hand in hand,you take me back,
Running through flower-filled meadows of twilight,
Past the shattered mirrors of broken water.

Kissed softly on the forehead,you whisper "I'll not be gone long".
Then you fade,as I clasp the reminant of your forgotten hand.

I open my eyes,and rise from the floor I lay.
I look,but you're not there.Nowhere to see.
Fist clenched, I shake with rage,crying "where have you gone?".

I just wanted you to know how I felt.

Thsi is brill! i love it keep writing !

RIS!

Great poem
love your style!



happy writing

Yeah, spaces after all of your commas (, ) and periods (. ). Was it betrayed trust? Or a broken heart? Or was it open for interpretation? Or was it just written on a whim?

itsjustemilie wrote:Great poem
love your style!



happy writing

Thank you so much!
I'm not really into poetry that much and it's rare that I attempt to write one.

rebelinsilence wrote:

chynelk5 wrote:

Winged angel of the night,
Fly into my nightly visions.
Change the course of the path I set,
As I sway in and out of conciousness.
Take the first full stop away and replace it with a comma.

With sword in hand,you fight the dark.
Your shield shining like the sun.

Then No Comma!hand in hand,you take me back,
Running through flower-filled meadows of twilight,
Past the shattered mirrors of broken water.

Kissed softly on the forehead,you whisper "I'll not be gone long".
Then you fade,as I clasp the reminant of your forgotten hand.

I open my eyes,and rise from the floor I lay.
I look,but you're not there.Nowhere to see.
Fist clenched, I shake with rage,crying "where have you gone?".

I just wanted you to know how I felt.

Thsi is brill! i love it keep writing !

RIS!

Thank you so much! :3

cfakc wrote:Yeah, spaces after all of your commas (, ) and periods (. ). Was it betrayed trust? Or a broken heart? Or was it open for interpretation? Or was it just written on a whim?

Haha thanks, as you can tell i'm not exactly an A student when it comes to English .
Well to be honest it was written on whim.
More about a lost love than a broken heart,But you're welcome to interpret it in anyway you see fit :]

This is the one you showed me before! I'm sorry i laughed, i think it's really beautiful and flowing, and you have a truly special style. Of course, it makes me think of your manga drawings, and i can see the story playing in my head.It's like a mini drama. Did you get your inspiration from your drawings? I especially like the final line, it was a great conclusion and very creative. Theres a few spelling mistakes, but you can correct them yourself. It was brilliant. Leonie

Greetings, I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, I shall now explain right away I didn't like this, and I admit I can be rather harsh, but please don't take these as personal attacks on you as a whole, but rather to help you improve. To begin with, nothing really made me feel the emotion in this, as you're new to poetry, I'll spare the lecture, and instead offer some advice, remember this, show don't tell, be sure to make others feel the emotion you put in, don't tell us it, as it's just a story which relies on who reads it, not how it's read. For instance is Christopher Walkens read this he could make this emotional.

Now to explain this further, you give us a simple image, but never really evoke the said image in our minds, instead it just sorta lazily sits in our mind, to be soon forgotten. See it's too simplistic for what you wish. That is to say it's not a bad idea, just you never really try grasp the bull by the horns and really make us feel it. So sadly it comes off quite contrived and overall weak.

You have some promising lines for instance,

Past the shattered mirrors of broken water.

but they never really are given the full chance to shine like you wish. Beautiful prose sadly doesn't make a poem, when the rest falls apart.

So my advice is to read more poetry on here, you will soon begin to notice how you can have beautiful prose but also show us everything rather than scream it outright. Best piece of advice I can give you is this, be subtle, it's what I always remember when writing poetry.

Hope this helps.

LeonieLacey wrote:This is the one you showed me before! I'm sorry i laughed, i think it's really beautiful and flowing, and you have a truly special style. Of course, it makes me think of your manga drawings, and i can see the story playing in my head.It's like a mini drama. Did you get your inspiration from your drawings? I especially like the final line, it was a great conclusion and very creative. Theres a few spelling mistakes, but you can correct them yourself. It was brilliant. Leonie

Haha! Leonie it's fine if you laughed, i'm glad you found it humourous. To be honest i feel a little silly putting my stuff up here when there is such amazing poetry like yours on the site.
Haha really? Well thank you very much but no, my manga's didn't inspire me. more the other way around actually.
What inspired me was that song Olly showed me, you know - Comptine Dun Autre Éte? As well as "B1".
My spelling is mank..actually i'm pretty sure mank isn't even a word!
Thanks for the comment :]

LastPaladin wrote:Greetings, I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, I shall now explain right away I didn't like this, and I admit I can be rather harsh, but please don't take these as personal attacks on you as a whole, but rather to help you improve. To begin with, nothing really made me feel the emotion in this, as you're new to poetry, I'll spare the lecture, and instead offer some advice, remember this, show don't tell, be sure to make others feel the emotion you put in, don't tell us it, as it's just a story which relies on who reads it, not how it's read. For instance is Christopher Walkens read this he could make this emotional.

Now to explain this further, you give us a simple image, but never really evoke the said image in our minds, instead it just sorta lazily sits in our mind, to be soon forgotten. See it's too simplistic for what you wish. That is to say it's not a bad idea, just you never really try grasp the bull by the horns and really make us feel it. So sadly it comes off quite contrived and overall weak.

You have some promising lines for instance,

Past the shattered mirrors of broken water.

but they never really are given the full chance to shine like you wish. Beautiful prose sadly doesn't make a poem, when the rest falls apart.

So my advice is to read more poetry on here, you will soon begin to notice how you can have beautiful prose but also show us everything rather than scream it outright. Best piece of advice I can give you is this, be subtle, it's what I always remember when writing poetry.

Hope this helps.

Thank you so much for the review! And don't worry, I won't take it as a personal attack but as constructive criticism.
Like i stated before, i'm not much of a poet. I just wanted to sumbit a few pieces to see what people thought. Purely out of curiosity.
To be honest i wrote this piece in the heat of the moment. I was emotional and needed to express my feelings in some way and crying didn't help. Plus i wrote it at three in the morning so i wasn't fully functional!!
Nonetheless, I will take on your criticism and hope that it helps me better myself in terms of writing and expressing myself through poetry.
Thank you.

So it was B1 who inspired you on this poem Chynel? Interesting. I didn't know you wrote about B1. Hand on heart, i didn't laugh, seriously. Like i said before, this poem is brilliant. You should post some more, theres some i read a while ago that were exceptional. What about that one with the clock? Or some short stories you wrote for english? i'm surprised it was a lovely, sad french song that inspired you and not your poetic Japanese pop/rock music. Anyway, still reminds me of your manga and all that. Please keep writing and posting. I can't wait to read more!

LeonieLacey wrote:So it was B1 who inspired you on this poem Chynel? Interesting. I didn't know you wrote about B1. Hand on heart, i didn't laugh, seriously. Like i said before, this poem is brilliant. You should post some more, theres some i read a while ago that were exceptional. What about that one with the clock? Or some short stories you wrote for english? i'm surprised it was a lovely, sad french song that inspired you and not your poetic Japanese pop/rock music. Anyway, still reminds me of your manga and all that. Please keep writing and posting. I can't wait to read more!

Yeah..
I don't write about him..just the two poems that i've put up on this site are about him.
Haha don't worry it's fine....Just wait till tomorrow -.- xD just kidding!
Thanks again Leonie! Oh yeah the clock one...i think i lost it actually! Pfft my short stories are shizz. They're a result of me panicking under the pressure of having a short time to write something -.- And you know how i freak out under pressure!!
Yeah haah my music usually makes me more angry than anything
It's just such an emotion song, y'know? I really helps me come up with ideas when i draw too.
Haha thanks! Same with you!! Upload that teenage love one!! And that story you wrote for your primary school booklet thingy!
Chynel.

I am in gardening while writing this. i just got that message now. you didn't lose that poem!

Haha, I was on Deviant art when we were on the computers.
Which poem did I not lose?