Fire

We caught the fire

raw limbed and ashy,
crawling from your bedroom
door to another world,
it is the slow destruction of a
memory.

And today, bricks of you
crumbling like spider webs,
the flames run out of air,
choking on their breath -
the malicious pressure of life
weighing down.

We escaped
your body burned.

Whoa. This was amazing. I mean, jaw-dropping.

I think the main problem with this poem is formatting. You had me pausing at weird intervals. Here's an idea:

PenguinAttack wrote:raw limbed and ashy,
crawling from your bedroom
door to another world,
it is the slow (destruction) of a
memory.

... could be changed to ...

raw limbed and ashy,
crawling from your bedroom door
to another world,
it is the slow destruction
of a memory

I don't get the parentheses, personally. Why are they there? And why not use italics, underlining, or bold instead? Just a thought ...

Overall, the imagery in this poem was fabulous, fabulous, fabulous. I don't think the words themselves need to be changed at all. Great work! Keep writing!

- Abigail

Tangent! You told me that you had another poem, so I ran to it because I LOVE YOU.

Anyway, I like Today better than this one! This one seems largely composed of long, unwieldy ideas that don't actually complete themselves and rely more on gimmicks to express themselves. While the imagery is good (bricks of you, crawling from bedroom to another world) there are other parts which seem like they're stretching themselves too far for the metaphor (the malicious pressure of (life) weighing down, it is the slow (destruction) of a memory). And because of that, it bumbles around in places. I'm not sure why you did the parentheses either... I would probably get rid of them.

Revising, I would probably describe the fire and its destruction rather than saying explicitly that it destroyed... I think you wanted subtlety by using the parenthetic expression anyway. And I really like how a memory would get destroyed. Right now, you're talking about limbs, so maybe it would be interesting to come up with something less physical (maybe heart or brains) burning.

Just some ideas.

And I still think you're brilliant. AND BEAUTIFUL. <3

Hey, wariofart here. Gonna run through your poem, than give it an overall.

We caught the fire

raw limbed and ashy,
crawling from your bedroom

Yuck. Great imagery though.

door to another world,
it is the slow destruction of a
memory.

These lines feel really choppy. Try and make them flow better, as the reviewer above said.

the flames run out of air,
choking on their breath -
the malicious pressure of life
weighing down.

I really like these lines. Very powerful imagery

We escaped
your body burned.

Somehow, this seemed almost like dark humor putting it so simply. Don't know if that was your intention, but it was an interesting way to end the poem.

Overall: This poem had great imagery. The concept of just a house fire is still pretty original, and your description of it was great. It was brutal, and executed pretty well. However, the flow is a little choppy in places, which just takes me out of the experience. Also, this felt like it could easy be prose as well, if you just added a bit more. Anyway, quite a nice poem.