The Flames of Hope

This is one of my first attempts at poetry. Since I have nothing else to say, here it goes:

Dark clouds hover above my head
They follow where ever I tread
There is no day, only night
Yet the flames of hope are my light

Nothing but turmoil and strife
But I have to get on with life
It seems like I'm the only one there
Though a faint flicker of hope still flares

My faith rattles and shakes
My soul sighs and aches
But through this journey I have learned
That the flames of hope forever burn

Though times are tough, hope is at my side
To forever be my shining guide.


What do you think? Like it? Hate it?

Hey, I'm no Shakespeare or Poe myself, but I like it. I like your rhyme and how you keep repeating the theme of hope being like fire, and light.

Hello there, Lily! Mizzle here, to review this lovely poem of yours.

bluewaterlily wrote:
Dark clouds hover above my head Usually I wouldn't like a beginning like this, but it's actually nice the way you've done it.
I feel as though I should be dead This line seems more of one you put in just to rhyme with the first one, not because it needed to be here.
There is no day, only night Cliche.
Yet the flames of hope are my light Love it!

Nothing but turmoil and strife
But I have to get on with life I loved these two lines ^^
It seems like I'm the only one there There? Wouldn't it be "the only one here"?
Though a faint flicker of hope still flares Love it, again.

My faith rattles and shakes Brilliant.
My soul sighs and aches LOVE THIS.
But through this journey I have learned
That the flames of hope forever burn
I think you should have ended it HERE...
Though times are tough, hope is at my side
To forever be my shining guide.

Overall:
Well, I have to say, I actually liked this--a lot. I'd just like to remind you to don't forget your use of punctuation, even if this is a poem, it still needs it (at least in this case it does). I like the idea and concept behind this, but the last two lines are unnecessary. I would remove them and let it end on the third stanza, the one before those two lines.

Hope this helps. If you have any questions, just PM me.
-Mizz-

Hey there,

First of all can I say I love your profile picture.. in motion. Very nice !

I quite liked this poem, but I suggest you use punctuations such as commas and full stops in your poems. I like what you wrote about, but for some reason it doesn't sound like you actually mean what you wrote if that it is how you feel. So I think for future references you should write just what you feel inside and ensure the words are not forced for dramatic effect or any other reason.

' Though times are tough,
hope is at my side
To forever be my shining guide. ' - The ending rounds off the poem nicely, but I think you should work on the opening paragraph as it sounds as if you went head first when starting off the poem.

' Dark clouds hover above my head
I feel as though I should be dead
There is no day, only night
Yet the flames of hope are my light ' - It would sound better if you change the second line to something a litlle lighter.. The last two lines are fine!

Hope this helped ^.^

Continue writing

I liked your poem. I liked how you used the cloud to express your feelings(if that's what you were trying to do)! Genius. I liked it, & I liked the flames of hope. Keep up the good work! If you ever need me, msg me!
-Chardinay

Hey there! This is pretty good. Not great but good. My favorite part were the two lines at the end. I like how they were secluded, it brought more importance to these lines! Overall I guess I would say that I liked this. I'm sure there is a way to make it better, but you wrote it this way and I don't think you should change it.

There are some things that I would recommend you to edit over here.

Instead of

Dark clouds hover above my head

You can use "Clouds are dark, over my head" that will seem better and make a good sense.

Though a faint flicker of hope still flares

This line can be replaced as: "Though faint clicker of hope still flares"
This is poetry, here you can sacrifice a little grammar to sound it better.

Though times are tough, hope is at my side

This can also be replaced as: "Time is tough, hope is at my side" or "Though time is tough, hope stands my side"
Grammar as well as rhyme wise this seems better, you are using "times" which seems a lot awkward, I think you should be using singular type words here.

That is all I found, topic is great though and it sure have inspirational points. Hope I helped!

Hey, Lily,

Here again, I feel that you could do a lot better without the rhyme scheme that you're using. I don't feel that rhyme is everything in a poem, and from your poems I can tell that you have a good deal more potential than you're letting shine because the rhyme is clouding things up a bit.

As far as the poem goes, I felt that there should be more emphasis on hope itself. You call this poem flames of hope, but it seems more focused on the situation where you need hope. I'd recommend adding a bit more of that, and taking out some of the unneccessary parts that seem added solely for rhyme, and you'll be great to go.

June

Hey bluewaterlily,

Considering this is one of your first poetry efforts I will try and be a little less brutal that I might be. I sound like a broken record on these forums today, but first and foremost, remember this when writing poetry: be original. If all you have are flickering flames, tough times and dark clouds over your head, you may as well be writing greetings cards. Familiar and cliche just doesn't cut it in the poetry world, I'm sorry to say. Your ideas have to be presented to the reader in a fresh new way for anyone to bother with them.

See this as a stepping stone on your path. You'll forget it soon enough. Move on, find new ideas, and don't be afraid to be a little bit different.

Its pretty and cute. Every emotion you set on stage was in detail. Keep it up. You are in the right track.

bluewaterlily wrote:
Dark clouds hover above my head
I feel as though I should be dead
There is no day, only night
Yet the flames of hope are my light

Nothing but turmoil and strife
But I have to get on with life
It seems like I'm the only one there
Though a faint flicker of hope still flares

My faith rattles and shakes
My soul sighs and aches
But through this journey I have learned
That the flames of hope forever burn

Though times are tough, hope is at my side
To forever be my shining guide.

Nice!! KEep on writing!

Thanks for the reviews everyone.

For a first attempt, I think this is great I love the rhyming, it really works for this poem!

My faith rattles and shakes
My soul sighs and aches
But through this journey I have learned
That the flames of hope forever burn

This is definitely my favourite stanza! I love the fact that even though your in pain, hope is always there to aid you.

Overall, I really liked it

Hey, I really liked your poem! I really can't talk, because I've never actually written poetry, but remember poetry doesn't always have to rhyme. You can pattern your poem with stressed and unstressed syllables. Just thought I'd share my thoughts.

Emily

Thanks, Em. Yeah, I know a poem can have rythm without ryme to it, but for some reason, I can't write a poem without making it rhyme. Also, making a poem ryhme is the only way I can write it and insure that it haas rythm. I don't know why, but tha's just how it is for me. Anyway thanks for taking the time to read my poem.