Suicide

"You can't leave me,"
the words slipped fervently
from my lips
for what seemed like
the thousandth time.

Memories flooded my mind
like an open faucet
as I again heard the words,
"I want to die."

I could once again feel
the crippling fear
of losing someone
I love, to suicide.

It is believed to be
an easy way out,
from all of your
worldly problems.

But what about those
you leave behind?
Did you think of that?
The ones that have cared
through it all.

You have always been loved,
I don't know why you can't see it.
Are you so blinded by the few,
the few who don't love you?
I love you, why can't you see that?

You say you are worthless,
but to me you are so much more.
More than worthless,
so you can't give up,
you just can't!

I've seen it so many times,
the outcome always the same.
Will you be different?
Or will it end the same?

I pray that you will dare,
dare to change things.
To change things in your life,
and in mine
because I can't take the pain,
the pain of loss.

But even if you decide
to take your own life,
I will never be that way.
I will never take the cowards way out.

So the choice is yours;
it's in your hands.
End this life early
or take a stand.

Just remember;
if you die,
don't forget me
on the other side.

I tried to help,
I really did.
But sometimes love
isn't enough
to heal
the wounds they make every day,


I didn't ask for this,
to watch you die,
but I will stand beside you
until the end.

I love you.

*ouch* really people see suicide as an immediate solution to their problems. Nice! You really portray what is happening now.

Positive Review: The flow of the poem is nice. I love it. For I can follow with you without any interruption. That kind of ability should be practiced and developed. Its a talent I tell you.

Negative Review: In spite that I can trace the flow of your poem, it still lack of an inch of emotion. Inject more emotions so that we may feel how you are feeling. For me, this is only a narrative kind but even narrative poems have emotions built-in. Enhance the emotion part! That's very important

General view: EXCELLENT write!

Hey Flower!

Eek! It sucks having friends who want to commit suicide... trust me, I know. And it's absolutely terrifying to try to talk them out of it. On one hand, you love the essence of them... their core. On the other hand, their lack of love for themselves terrifies you. So it's like a balancing act of sorts... very scary!

Anyway, the poem! One thing you might want to try is condensing it... right now, it's very rambly! For instance, try outlining your poem with the key ideas. It kind of goes everywhere! So limiting what you say will make it more powerful.

Also, make it a bit more personal. These sorts of things always suck to write about... really, they do! But including some specific details will make it so much more real and more heartbreaking. I think, in these sorts of poems, you probably should focus on the loss of the person, and thus focus on how precious that person is.

Good luck!

Heya Flower

"You can't leave me,"
the words slipped fervently
from my lips, You don't need this comma.
for what seemed like
the thousandth time.

I could once again feel, This comma isn't needed.
the crippling fear
of losing someone
I love, to suicide.

But what about those
you leave behind?
Did you think of that?
The ones that have cared, This comma isn't needed either.
through it all.

You say you are worthless,
but to me you are so much more.
More than worthless,
so you can't give up,
you just can't!

I pray that you will dare,
dare to change things.
To change things in your life,
and in mine, This comma isn't needed.
because I can't take the pain,
the pain of loss.

I've noticed that you're using this repetition quite a lot. There's nothing wrong with using repetition but you have to be careful not to use too much of it.

So the choice is yours;
it's in your hands.
End this life early
or take a stand.

Just remember;
if you die,
to remember me
on the other side.

This line stuck out for me. because of the repetition of "Remember". I think that you should change it to, "If you die, don't forget me on the other side."

I tried to help,
I really did.
But sometimes love
isn't enough
to heal, You don't need this comma.
the wounds they make every day,
so if you are a bully
I would go away.

I don't really understand what you were saying here... it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the stanza as well as it could.

I didn't ask for this,
to watch you die,
but I will stand beside you
until you die.

I don't really like how you've used these two lines in the same stanza. You're basically repeating what you've already said.

I love you.

Simple but effective ending. I like it.


Overall

This was good. Suicide is a hard subject to write about, especially if you've experienced it first hand. One of the things that I liked the best about this is probably the flow of it. I didn't find that any parts flowed badly or was awkward to read. Throughout the entire poem, the lines flowed nicely and it was easy and nice to read. In my opinion, the flow of a poem is really important. If there is a bad flow in a poem, your readers simply won't want to read it. When it comes to your grammar, it was pretty good. I did find quite a few grammatical errors, but there was nothing too serious. Anything that I did find, I corrected for you. The same goes for your spelling. I did find a few spelling mistakes in this, so I corrected the ones I did find. The idea of the poem itself is a good one because suicide is a touchy subject that can be turned into a poem effectively. In the poem, it's clear that you care about the person who's committing suicide. That's good because it portrays some emotions. There aren't that many other emotions though.

That's my main critique, actually. Although you are portraying emotions, I think that you could portray even more emotions and make the poem a bit more personal. You're telling us about what happens when someone commits suicide and the process of it. You aren't really describing your emotions as well as you could. One good and effective way of showing more emotions is by using emotive language. That is something that you don't' really have in this. You're saying that you love that person and you don't want them to hurt themselves, but you're not really describing this feeling. When I say that you should use more emotive language, I mean that you should use some more strong adjectives. By using more adjectives, you can create some effective imagery. When you use some effective imagery, it helps create emotion in the poem. The imagery in a poem is important because that's what helps the reader feel things.

Negatives aside, this poem certainly does have potential. The subject of suicide is a good one for a poem, it can be written very effectively is written well. I've experienced this kind of thing first hand, so I can understand the emotions you're trying to create. All that you need to do is to take into account what us reviewers have said. Once you've done that, you should edit this up a bit. I don't really have much else to say. Anything else that I would have said has already been said by the other reviewers.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Hey Flower, Gsp here as requested!

You already read my warning, so...

ON WITH THE REVIEW!

"You can't leave me,"
the words slipped fervently
from my lips
for what seemed like
the thousandth time.

I don't really have anything to say here. This is a great opening for the poem. Dramatic, and it made me want to read more.

Memories flooded my mind
like an open faucet
as I again heard the words,
"I want to die."

Good analogy, the faucet.

I could once again feel
the crippling fear
of losing someone
I love, to suicide.

"Once again". I like this, right here. It implies that this problem has been going on for some time now.

It is believed to be
an easy way out,
from all of your
worldly problems.

*nods in approval* Looks good.

But what about those
you leave behind?
Did you think of that?
The ones that have cared
through it all.

Very good. I like this, as a lot of people that commit suicide probably don't think things all the way through.

You have always been loved,
I don't know why you can't see it.
Are you so blinded by the few,
the few who don't love you?
I love you, why can't you see that?

I really have nothing bad to say here. It's lovely and touching.

You say you are worthless,
but to me you are so much more.
More than worthless,
so you can't give up,
you just can't!

I like this a lot. The last line really projects a feeling of desperation.

I've seen it so many times,
the outcome always the same.
Will you be different?
Or will it end the same?

This one seems a little repetitive. "the outcome is always the same" and "or will it end the same". I'd change this if I were you.

I pray that you will dare,
dare to change things.
To change things in your life,
and in mine
because I can't take the pain,
the pain of loss.

I like this, but it's a little longer than the others.

But even if you decide
to take your own life,
I will never be that way.
I will never take the cowards way out.

I believe that it should be coward's. But I'm not sure.

So the choice is yours;
it's in your hands.
End this life early
or take a stand.

*nods in approval* Looks good. I like how they're leaving it for the victim to decide.

Just remember;
if you die,
don't forget me
on the other side.

Aww. I love this part. It's very touching.

I tried to help,
I really did.
But sometimes love
isn't enough
to heal
the wounds they make every day,

This is so true.

I didn't ask for this,
to watch you die,
but I will stand beside you
until the end.

I love you.

PERFECT ENDING! That's all I have to say.

All-in-all, I love this. It got me tears in my eyes, and that's a sign of a very good poem in my opinion. One thing I did notice though was that none of your new lines were capitalized except the first line of a new stanza. I'm not really a poet, so I'm not sure, but I think the first letter of every line should be capitalized.

Happy YWSing!

~Gsp.

Heya flower, here as requested. I think everyone else has covered my nitpicks, so I'll just give you my overall feelings.

So, this poem had a depressing feel to it. Of course. That's good, considering that's what you wanted to portray. However, this poem didn't cut me deep. It's one of those things that make you feel down when you read it, but you don't think about it afterwards. It just lacked that extra something.

What is that extra something? It's not so much emotion- you have that- it's the portrayal of you emotion. Saying "I'm sad, I love you, don't go." over and over tells us what you're feeling and makes us sad- but it doesn't make us connect. It doesn't pull us in and make us sympathize. You need to elaborate. How is this making you sad? Are there things that remind you of the suicidal person that make you sad? I dunno, do something. Make us feel for these people, not just sit on the side and look sad.

Overall, this shows promise. Keep working on this, and it'll be great!

-Dreamy

ARGH. I wrote an entire review for this and then accidentally clicked "paste", erasing the whole thing. I'll give you the same advice...just in a more condensed form.

If you're going to rhyme, rhyme. If you're not going to rhyme, then don't. Right now you have some wishy-washy lines and abrupt rhyming words that stand out, so commit to one or the other to make the piece cleaner.

Avoid so much redundancy. Examples:

Are you so blinded by the few,
the few who don't love you?
I love you, why can't you see that?

You say you are worthless,
but to me you are so much more.
More than worthless,

I pray that you will dare,
dare to change things.
To change things in your life,

because I can't take the pain,
the pain of loss.

See all of that repetition? I can't help but wonder why you included that; just because it sounds cool, or gives a line extra syllables? Don't worry about that. Repetition is a valuable tool, but only when it adds another dimension to an idea or else shed new light on an emotion. Here you're really just saying random words twice, and it comes across as more forced and angsty than the poem needs to be.

Finally, make the poem more personal. This (although genuine advice, and although I can tell the emotion is authentic) reads almost like a pamphlet for "What to Say to Your Suicidal Friend", however terrible that sounds. This information could be applied to anyone, anywhere-- we don't get a real taste of either of these people anywhere in the poem, and that's why it feels like it's lacking emotion. It's lacking any degree of intimacy, because right now it's sort of generic. Develop the narrator and her friend as actual people with an actual relationship. Then you can personalize the advice and words to fit these people. And use interesting words, interesting images! You started to in the beginning but then they faded into a lot of "love" and "wounds" and "pain" words, which can be icky.

Best of luck, good job, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

Hello there!

Here to review.

So I can see that there have been a lot of critiques there and I won't go bothering each line since others have pretty much covered it already. Also, sorry for the quite delay on this.

It's obvious that you have been repeating words over again but it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Using repetitions in a good way gives a good effect on a poem but just to replicate the same idea within a stanza is never much fun to read. Also, if ever this is told in a true account, then I would suggest to take this more personal between you and your friend. Show us more of your and her emotions. And also, give this poem a touch of encouragement for your friend. It's because I've noticed, especially at the last part, that you're like collaborating more of her suicidal attempt. In my opinion, I think the voice should be sweeter since you care for someone who wants to end his or her life. I also agree with SKins, you can give this poem a bit of effects to make this strong and unique.

I tried to help,
I really did.
But sometimes love
isn't enough
to heal
the wounds they make every day,

I don't think it's good to end the stanza with a comma. Preferably a period.

When all's said and done...

I know there's more up to your sleeve in terms of potential here. I know this would really turn into a good poem, you just might want to revise some lines or stanzas here. Hope I helped. PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

I was a bit let down by the flow of it, it seemed choppy and you used too many commas and it made it a little difficult to read. The idea of this poem was great, you could have used a bit more imagery though. My Favorite part in this was:

(I've seen it so many times,
the outcome always the same.
Will you be different?
Or will it end the same?

But even if you decide
to take your own life,
I will never be that way.
I will never take the cowards way out. )

Those to stanzas caught my eye and it makes you think especially if you've gone through something like this before.

Overall this poem was good, just work on the choppiness and the punctuation errors in your poems. Keep writing!

-M.

Spidey here, and I'm a tad bit late.

The poem was good. It told a story on a hard subject with good imagery and good flow.

People already covered the bad: The ramblingess, and lack of emotion. Theres not much more for me to say then I liked it.