Same

Rip this apart. Mercilessly. It is terrible, but I want to see if it is possible to salvage.

---

Same

Trite, banal, run of the mill,
Uninspired, unoriginal, vapid and worn out,
Trying so hard to be unconventional
But failing miserably
Because everyone is just like you.

The pieces of self that make you unique
Are the sacrificial offerings made to belong,
Bound to the altar of social concepts
And mercilessly slaughtered.

Unique is good, but only to the extent
That it still falls within the parameters of normal,
As varied and contradictory as normal is.
Anything more or anything less
And you become a freak,

Outcast, black sheep, pariah, reprobate,
Castaway derelict, fugitive from hypocrisy;
No one enjoys living on the fringes,
Even the sane among seas of the mad,
And so you conceal yourself behind walls of
Behavior, attitudes, inactions,
Appearances and acquired presumptions,
As you try to be individual while remaining the same
As anyone else.

But what you don't realize,
What they don't realize either,
Is that everyone is just the same,
If only on a fundamental level.

And that's why "live and let live" is a lie.

Hi there Kyllorac! I like this poem very much, though I'm not sure I'd go so far as to call it that. I could see someone quoting the above stanzas in some sort of a speech. It seems to me to be more of an essay than a poem -- no figurative language, rhyme scheme, or reasons for line breaks were evident. I really don't know what to classify this as, but something tells me its not exactly poetry.

Kyllorac wrote:Outcast, black sheep, pariah, reprobate,
Castaway derelict, fugitive from hypocrisy;

I wasn't sure at first whether this was a list or not. To make the fact that it is, indeed, a list quite clear, I recommend separating each adjective with a semicolon (;).

Overall, I love the words you used and the concept you captured. Nice work!

Don't be so hard on yourself, Kyllorac. It's not that bad really. I just found a little nit-pick.

Kyllorac wrote: The pieces of self that

But this part just sounds kinda weird to me. Try re-wording. Like "Your self." Well I'm done bothering you.
~Ladypurple.

Hey Ky.

I'm going to start by quoting the segment I find a gem amongst the angst:

Even the sane among seas of the mad

This concept has so much play in it, when it comes to the definitions of "sane" and "mad" I'd really like to see it expanded upon. In fact, I think this line and the general ideas presented in the stanza are some of the most salvageable of the poem. This line I'm pretty positive is salvageable as-is.

As for the whole concept of the poem... Well, yes. It is angsty, and it is a list. Also, your logic doesn't tie in together. Your last line/stanza really came out of nowhere for me, because "live and let live" for me is to come to a stalemate on debates. I don't associate it at all with general individuality like this poem is about.

Firstly, the list. It works, in some respects, because it makes the poem sound like a jab at humanity. But at the same time it can get boring quickly. Especially in the first stanza, when you're using a list of synonyms as a "hook" for the poem. And hook is in quotes because I can see what you were doing with the jabbing at humanity thing, but it fell just a bit flat for me. Mostly because it's two lines of the words. If it were just three really well chosen ones, then it'd be a bit more interesting.

The second stanza... It either needs to be sacrificed itself or that becomes the main metaphor for the poem. Considering that reads as rather unimaginative imagery, I'd go with the former.

The third and fourth have the most salvageable concepts; they ring on a personal note while not being navel-gazing. The concept, although not exactly new, seems to be presented in a slightly new way.

The fifth stanza and final line just confused me. They implied an argument had been going on, but said argument is lacking in the poem. I can pick up some traces of an argument going on in your head when you wrote this (having gone through many such an argument myself) but it's not in the poem. Which makes the switch in tone a bit sharp and jarring. They seem like a different poem, and I'd almost like to see them as the focus in their own poem. It's another interesting concept to play with, and your content could stem from answering "how is it a lie?" and using that answer as inspiration.

All in all, good concepts, but not that much focus on them. Get more cohesiveness to this and you'll have some gems here.

Drop me a line if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey

Hey Kyllorac!

I quite enjoyed this poem! It brought up an interesting topic-how everything is the same/how everyone tries to be like each other. I would have to agree totally with every little detail put into this poem. You describe everything with such words that it makes this poem truly amazing! Your choice of words were excellent and showed a sophisticated mind at work and the flow was beautiful. Keep up the good work!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)

Mm, fresh meat. *rubs hands together*

Don't allow yourself to preface your works with things that will make your audience of critics want to tear it apart; it really takes away from the work when the writer shows little confidence about it. Given the right methods of revision, every idea is salvageable.

Onward,

Trite, banal, run of the mill,
Uninspired, unoriginal, vapid and worn out,

I think you only need one line here, because the synonymous repetition is really becoming banal. It's drying out the tone too fast, and you don't need to do that in so many words, dear.

The pieces of self that make you unique
Are the sacrificial offerings made to belong,
Bound to the altar of social concepts
And mercilessly slaughtered.

I'm afraid I am not understanding this stanza, especially the second line. I think that you can say what you're saying here in different words, in fact, you kind of need to! Because, here, you've clouded the original message by trying to put in a symbolic meaning, which I feel could really work, with the right effort, but as I say often, let the poem sort itself out before you wrap it in more.

Furthermore, I feel that because you're using a rather ordinary vocabulary in this poem, you should be careful about how much of it you give us, dear, because it can easily grow difficult for us to chew when you have casual language and then points where you use a string of synonyms that aren't commonly used, you know? It kind of makes it hard to understand the message that you're getting at.

I think that you have potential here, but right now, I feel that it's still in the rough stage. There's a bit of deadwood here, and the poem can't pull that weight very well, so I think that you need to clear a little bit of that out of the way by cutting back the narrative parts and phrases we could do without, and go from there. You have a lot of potential with this.

Keep writing, hope that helps some,
June

Hi, Kyllorac! It's hard to articulate how I feel about this work. It is well-written and you obviously know what you're doing, but it leaves feeling a little cold. The other reviewers have given you some important points, but here's one thing I noticed that no one has mentioned:

Trite, banal, run of the mill,
Uninspired, unoriginal, vapid and worn out,

Outcast, black sheep, pariah, reprobate,
Castaway derelict, fugitive from hypocrisy;

These two excerpts feel like lists, but more importantly, they're lists describing the exact same concept. But then, the whole theme of your poem is sameness. So now I'm torn, wondering if your use of so many similar words is an effective technique that emphasizes our society's obsession with sameness, or if it's just an unrestrained stream of verbosity. Though I'm not sure, I'm believe it's the former! So nice work.

And mercilessly slaughtered.

I think the bolded word is unnecessary, since we already associate "slaughter" with a cruel, merciless form of murder.

Even the sane among seas of the mad,

Rosey already pointed this line out but it deserves mentioning again. It's such an interesting line, awash with possibility and strange imagery.

I don't mind when poems have messages behind them but occasionally the tone of the piece and some of the lines in the later stanza made the message too overt for me to enjoy the aesthetics of the piece. But overall, this is pretty good. It's not amazing, but you already know that.

Hi Kylorrac,

Sorry to be so blunt, but:

Trite, banal, run of the mill,
Uninspired, unoriginal, vapid and worn out,
Trying so hard to be unconventional
But failing miserably
Because everyone is just like you.

Yeah, that's not actually what your poem is like, but almost. It's not that bad, but listing adjectives is poor form, really. It's also a bit too explanatory for my tastes, a bit too "it's like this, it's like that" and combined with the lists, it's a bit straightforward, a bit, well, uninspired, bland. Not trite, but, not very creative. You can at least write well and keep a decent flow, but as an idea for a poem I think this is quite limited, really.

I think you just simply need more metaphors, more different images, more creative words and more interesting language. This is too plain for me to enjoy it enough.

Hey Kyllorac!

Mark Twain once said this, "The difference between the almost right word & the right word is really a large matter--it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning." Saying a lot of almost right words in a list form is never going to become a lightning bolt. Be decisive and make sure you pick the right words.