Please Mommy

Hey screamandshout!

Amazing! Simply amazing! I didn't expect what happened in the poem. It was sad but that's why it was so good. The simplicity about it made it wonderful to read. That must be why I like it so much. I'm not used to poems without stanzas but it doesn't need it. It flows perfectly.

Hey there!

Okay, I guess some people would agree that this is sweet, but I felt quite detached. Sure, there were points when emotive language was undeniably present and convincing, but there needs to be more of it. I felt distant at some points, like I couldn't empathise as much as I should've been and I think you could fix this with an installment of stronger imagery in the middle of the poem. I also have to agree that the use of "Mommy" got a little tiring as the poem went on. At first, it had a good effect, with the begging feel of it, but then it was "Oh." There was just little effect of it overall because of the over-use.

The best thing about this poem is the perspective. I really enjoyed the way you wrote it, how you showed things and i think if you just took that and instead of repetitive pleads to the "Mommy", you put some imagery and extra throw-ins of emotive language, the whole poem would improve vastly.

You have a talent for writing though, that's for sure! So keep it up,
Ben

Hi there, Scream – sorry you've had to wait for so long.

Well, a lot of the reviewers have already said most of the things I was going to point out (serves me right for not doing this sooner!). I, too, didn't really feel like I was reading a poem. This seemed quite list-like and more like a bunch of separate thoughts tied together with no proper liaison. It's also quite long, seeing as you haven't really got a meter or rhythm in it. Of course, there's nothing wrong with long poems, it's just that the length of this poem is acquired by repeating the same things over and over again, which really starts to feel redundant towards the end of the poem.

However, I'm glad you had a twist to this poem, since I was also automatically assuming the narrator was a person. The little unpredictability did surprisingly much for the poem, but I'm still not quite satisfied.

Try to think about the most important feature in this poem, and try to bring it forwards for the reader to see. Both the beginning and the ending are also very important to me as a reader, independent on whether I'm reading a story or a poem. What makes the beginning and the ending in this poem so special? Could you have done them differently? Most of all, try to write in a way that makes the reader remember you even after skipping off to another poem/forum/whatever.

I hope this helped, and please PM me if you have any questions.


Demeter
x

Wow. So descriptive, and it describes perfectly what we think dogs feel. I love the Personification, and at first I thought it was a child, but the tail-wagging tipped me off it was a dog. I look forward to reading more from you!!






~Sarah~

This is a really sweet poem I think it's been said many times already, but this is a very clever poem. At first I thought the poem was from the point of view of a child whose mother was depressed, and then I thought it was from the POV of a dead child, but then I understood it was about a dog; I love that

One thing I noticed is that "mommy" was used a lot in this piece. A spot where the word is particularly heavy:

Wasn’t I good Mommy?
I tried to be.
I love you Mommy.
I know you love me.
Don’t be sad Mommy.

Also, it's already been said, but the commas need a little bit of work. It should be "Don't be sad, Mommy." -And that goes for most, or all, of those types of lines in this poem.

I thought the ending could have been a bit stronger. I realize this poem is probably somewhat personal, judging by the dog's names, but since we don't know your dogs, it felt weak to end with "Tell Katie he misses her too." And I have to admit, the Zues thing confused me. I thought you meant he was with the god, Zeus, but when someone mentioned it was probably another dog it made sense. Maybe you should switch that name with one of the other names in the poem. "But I’m with Oreo now." sounds much less confusing.

Anyway, this was a wonderful poem with a clever twist. Keep writing
-Elizabeth

I loved it! This is what my dog Pooh would of said when he died. I love this poem and it is one of my new favorite! Your really good and keep on wrighting!