Please Mommy

I see you Mommy.
You sit alone on your bed.
I see you cry.
You regret so much.
But why?
Wasn’t I good Mommy?
I tried to be.
I love you Mommy.
I know you love me.
Don’t be sad Mommy.
Didn’t I listen enough?
I’m sorry I ran out of the yard.
I’m sorry you spent your money
On food I’m not there to eat.
Please be happy Mommy.
I’m not that far away.
Please just wait Mommy.
I promise you’ll see me one day.
You did what you could for me.
Three words helped me through.
You made my tail wag one last time,
When you said “I love you”
I didn’t need words for you to know,
That I love you too.
I’ll be with you Mommy.
I swear I’ll never leave.
Please stop crying Mommy.
I wish you could understand me.
I’m not really gone,
Just in a place you can’t see.
I’ll be good when you get here Mommy.
You’ll hug me again,
And say that you love me.
But you have to wait,
It won’t be long.
Be happy Mommy.
Please do this for me.
I miss you Mommy,
But I know you’ll be okay.
Be nice to your friends,
And say hi to Oreo for me.
Tell Honey I miss her,
And please be good too.
I’ll see you soon Mommy,
Remember I’ll always love you.
But I’m with Zues now,
Tell Katie he misses her too.

A very sweet poem, and clever; at first I thought you might be speaking of the death of a child, but I really like the human-like qualities you give to this dog. Also, I have two dogs named Honey and Oreo. ^_^

I liked the poem enough, not saying that it wasn't great, but that it could just a bit of work. At first I didn't like the juvenile voice that was developed, but towards the end when you revealed that it was a dog (very clever, reminds me of a short story my friend wrote which was amazing) I understood why you used it. Nothing much bad I can say about the work, except maybe change up the punctuation a bit (i.e. change "I see you Mommy" (actually, that should have a comma between 'you' and 'Mommy') and "You sit alone on your bed" to "I see you, Mommy,/Sitting alone on your bed"). These small tweeks will make the poem flow much more smoothly and remove the kinks multiple periods in a row create. Other than that, I think it's very nice!

Hope to see more writing from you!

~Horseradish

I like this. I thought you were at first speaking as a child whose mother is battling depression or something, then I saw "tail wag one more time' and I internally had a huge question mark in my brain. Whoa. Run on sentence. Anyway, it was good and I loved the Zeus thing. As in Zeus is the King of the Gods and the heaven almighty type of dude, but since it's a dog that's speaking, I know that Zeus was just another dog that also passed away. Something to work on; why is this person "Mommy"? She didn't give birth to a dog hopefully, so we know that this woman is not the biological mother. You are confusing the readers right now and I would advise changing the 'Mommy' into something else.

All in all, a good poem.

~Jasmine Bells

I like the fact that you portrayed a family pet like a child. But I think the poem needed to reflect the unique-ness (is that even a word?) of the concept of the poem in the poem's actual language. I understand that you want to convey the simplicity of a pet's thoughts, but I think you could maybe get into the dog's head a little more and perhaps describe some things like a dog might?
Hope I helped.

Oh no!

I thought this was going to be something about a child, and I came in all prepared to steel myself. And then it was about a pet! I have a definite soft spot for animals.

This is a good (and imaginative) piece. I like that you haven't limited yourself to what the dog is actually thinking as he is alive, but speculating on what goes on after death. This adds a nice touch to the poem and gives it personality. I do think that all the names at the end are a little difficult, simply because the reader is not familiar with these other people and animals. However, if this is a personal poem (relating to your own or someone else's experience) I can understand the desire to use them. And I would encourage you to do so!

This is very sweet!

Hey. This wasn't what I was expecting. It was very different to how I thought it would turn out. When I was reading the first part, I thought it was about a child who had run away and/or died. I think it made it better how you put the twist on it. It gave the poem a new perspective. But in all I did like it. The only thing I have to critique on is that I don't think that it flow as well as it should or could have. But it was a good idea. (You did better than I would have)

Hello Scream, I'm Apple - as you probably already know and I'm going to review this piece as promised. I just want to mention that I'm not the best at poetry but I'll give it my best shot.

Starting with grammar, I would suggest that you read this aloud to yourself and listen for the pauses. I have to do this to tell when I have to place in a comma or some sort of pause, grammar thing. What you faltered really on was when you wouldn't place a comma before a name was said.

"I love you, Mommy." Is a great example in this because instead of applying a comma at the end of 'you'. You left it bare and this makes it as if you are running on a sentence that really should be closed.

Character wise, you cannot really tell through poem. Though, I must say; through the perspective of the little girl, it was very convincing. You portrayed her pain for being left to watch her Mother in a horrible state of time. I find this poem very moving and the only really fault was your comma useage.

I find it funny because most people place in too little and you used them hardly any. A problem I face with most of my own writings. Hey, we're the same! What I would suggest is that you watch on your tone. You kind of skipped through perspectives here...I'm probably not making sense but some of the other reviewers have picked up on this.

Cheers!

Well, it looks like almost everything was already said heh. Anyway, I'd go and agree with the rest that the poem is good. I liked the way it was portrayed even though I was a bit lost at the end with the Zeus matter ( Because there I started questioning myself if the narrator isn't dead or somebody else ). A bit confusing, but still understandable poem.

The only major trouble I found there was the usage of coma, just as Apple said. Read it for yourself aloud and see how it goes, put appropriate inputs as a coma, semi colon or whatever there is to it. It really helps bring the spice to the poem, you make the reader read it the way you think the flow is the best. Flow is sometimes they very matter between a good and bad poem. Words might be awesome, but if the flow is bad, the poem won't be taken really highly.

Good luck and keep writing more! =)

Hi there!

Okay, so this is an interesting poem. Nice view to write it from, too - you're tapping into that biiiig love between owners and their dogs. However, I felt like the character (dog) you were portraying didn't come off as strongly as I would (and I'm sure you would) have liked. It felt a little too distant from how it could have been. I saw someone say that you could have got into the dog's head more? Well, obviously this is a pretty hard thing to do - we have no idea how dogs think! - but you could perhaps try it, and make the poem sound a little more tailored towards the idea that it is a dog speaking it.

In addition, I really think you should brush up on your grammar! The amount of periods (full stops) in this poem was too much. They made it jarring and hard to read. Read the poem aloud to yourself and see how it flows - then try to fix the grammar. Generally it's best to punctuate a poem like you would if it were prose, although this isn't always the case!

Lastly, I'd like it if you made the language a little more emotive. At the moment yes, it's simplistic, but I found myself wanting it to be a lot more personal. As I said, it's an important relationship. But, right now, it could be any dog and any person. The real challenge would be if you could perhaps write in some personal memories from the dog to the human, and try to make the memories seem like they would be feasibly from the dog's point of view.

Hope this helps!

-Amy

Here’s the promised critique. Keep in mind, though, that I’m not very good at poetry, so this won’t be a great critique. =]

I know poetry is supposed to be about having the reader understand what is happening, but it is really strange to go from imagining a woman call after a little boy running into the road, to two dogs. If you want to keep the identity a secret for a bit, go from foggy to clear. I was really confused, because I thought maybe the tail wagging was just a metaphor.

Also, dogs don’t have money, so why would she buy food?

My only real suggestion to this is to make it a lot more organized. It seems like you’ve tried to do so, with the repetition of “I’m sorry”, but I would suggest turning this into several stanzas. Maybe start all (or some) of them with the “I’m sorry” line, then go on to say why you’re sorry.

Another thing that goes with the organization is the timeline. You go from reasons why she’s sad, to how you died, to reasons why she’s sad, with happy things thrown in there. Give it some meaning. Maybe start with the reasons why she’s sad, then go on to say how she used to make you happy, but then you died, and then finish with “I’m sorry”.

Anyways, I’m pretty sure that didn’t help very much! The voice is juvenile on purpose, so I basically would just like to see a more organized poem. It would help get your message across stronger.

PM me with any questions!

(Oh, and I second Aqua's grammar suggestion.)

~JFW1415

I really wish this had been about a little child. . . . I really don't like stories about animal love, I mean don't get me wrong I love animals and all it's just when people write about them it always seems cheesy to me. It was still good though, I liked the way it flowed.

Sooo I'm here with your view! but it looks like I missed the crowd o.o and I have to admit I'm also one of those people who thought this was about a person and not about a dog.

One thing I didn't like about this was the redundancy of "mommy". It started to become less meaningful and just took up space.

But what struck me more so is that this is very unpoem like. Sure, it's the dog talking to the owner, but it didn't come off like a poem to me. No thoughtful language, just a list, and while it has a good message, the list seems wandering. The fact that it took me half way through the poem to figure out it was a dog should tell you that you're not getting your message across soon enough. You might even want to take this out of first person and instead write in third, catch all the emotions instead of what the dog is saying simply because the list-like ness of it isn't appealing here. You want me to feel like I lost my dog, too, and you didn't really do that you just made me think about whatever the dog wanted to say. Not as interesting as if you made me cry over my puppy. (and I really love my puppy!)

Sorry this review isn't very too the point. I'm a little scattered brained right now. Hopefully the others helped you too. Best of luck!

I liked to poem. I really liked how you kept the reader guessing what you were saying until the end. Well, at least I understood at the end. Very good! Very good! See ya around!

Aww, this poem is really sweet! I like the way you kept the reader guessing about what has happened through out. One slight nitpick, however, "Zues" isn't spelled right, it's spelt "Zeus". If this was intentional, please don't hesitate to correct me!
All in all, it was a really nice poem and I really enjoyed it!