Kaboom and there’s your decision.

One day I was taking a walk on the beach; it’s a nice day, not too hot to sweat but not to cold to not enjoy the day, a nice breeze in my face and I’m fully relaxed,

A few minutes later I wondered to myself what should I do with my life, I am 14 years old and I’m in year 9, what do I want to do when I’m older, when I need a job, and start a family, what should I start doing with my life?

I keep walking along the beach, I look back and see I’m making foot prints in the sand, I turn back and keep walking, as I take a breath in the waves come up and when I exhale the wave go back out into the ocean,

Then I come to a place on the beach with some nice trees and plants and flowers, and I sit.

I take out a photo album from my back pack I was caring and open it; I see happy moments, sad moments and moments that I will never forget, then I put the photo album away in the back pack and put it back on my shoulders and walk home,

And then I think to myself, don’t think about it to much, one day it will come to me and I will be as happy as I will ever be and I will get to enjoy the rest of my life.

Seems like you've re-adjusted your poem then!

This is rather nice, but there is a few issues.

Firstly, theres is a whole lot of spelling and punctuation errors, make sure before you post any piece, that you click the 'Check Spelling' Button in the top right corner to correct it, or do it by hand if you can

Secondly, I personally wouldn't see this as a poem, yet I know it can be considered as, but its more suited for Other Poetry, due to its... unique inter-structure



Hope I help senoir!

(p.s: REVIEW! Hardly anyone will review your work if you haven't done any yourself. In my opinion try to keep up at least a 2:1, yet 3:! is the average!)

Your ever-warm reviewer, Nova!

I agree with Nova in saying that I hardly see this as a poem. I like the idea and I think it could be made into something good. Also you may want to reread as there is many mistakes such as "I was taking walking on the beach" and you might want to keep a consistant tense.
As I said I liked the idea

ps. Congrats on being my very first review and I hope that this is helpful


(If you want, check out my friends story Rstegs15 called My Falling Sun, she would really appreciate the reviews)

thanks i need to improve on my grammar i should re read my work

Is this even a poem? It just seems like a weird daydreaming narrative you would think to yourself in your head. Like...you know how little kids kind of narrate their lives to themselves like it's a story? That's what it read like. It's not really poetic in its imagery or language. Cadence, diction, rhythm, figurative language, all those elements are missing.

Hi!
It seems like you've done something pretty brave here; you've attempted to branch out into the world of prose poetry. Why do I label this as brave? Because not many people can do this effectively, and it's very difficult to nail down the ratio of prose to poetry that will work the best in your own style.

With this poem here - I'm going to assume it's your first attempt at prose poetry, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong - you've missed the mark. I read this piece and what I see isn't poetry, it's purely a reflection told to me in first person. Bigwordsarecool is correct to mention the techniques and elements that will push your poem out of prose territory and into poetry awesomenees. What most gets me is that you're telling me everything. I'm sure you've heard of show not tell? Many YWSers tote this as the foremost lesson we have to get used to. Rather than tell me that you're happy or sad or expectant, I'd prefer you showed me. A lot of this mentality comes from the fact that your readers are also thinkers; giving them all the facts, tying them together and painting the bow on top insults them a little. Give those lazy readers a challenge! I'm not suggesting you be as obscure as you possibly can, instead I'm suggesting that you cut away some of your qualifiers, reduce your full sentences and give us some beautiful fragments, let us fill in some of the dots.

You're on the right track here, for sure, you just need to wiggle about and find your connection to the poem. Right now I can't see that you have a connection with anything, because your poem doesn't feel anything. They're words strung together but they're not mood, tone, emotion and colour melded together.

Now that I've told you what I think will help, I'd like to show you. To show you, I'm going to take the liberty of altering part of the poem you have until it's some-what like I would write it. Don't take this as how YOU should present the poem, remember that it's yours and your personal stamp is important to the poem's overall meaning.

"Muscles relaxing, smiling and frowning all at once on a beach that is perfect - give me cold warmth between grains of sand and I will give - introspection. Moments, minutes, lifetimes.

We are lost in times smaller than the iota of memory a breath takes. 14-9-older-younger all but similar in the thick pressure of re-sponse - a - bility. Break and repeat, surfer's lament."

Having never touched prose poetry, I may be drowning in the deep end here, but we don't just want a story, we want the feelings, sights, sounds and smells attached.

Feel free to PM me with any questions, or if you change this at all! I'd love to look at it again.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hey Cap!

May I just say how much I enjoyed this poem. I totally felt what you were saying. It wasn't too long or too short. However, there were a couple things that you need to adjust:

1. You need to check your spelling, punctuation and overall grammar before you submit anything. Please don't be afraid to use the Check Spelling button-that's what its there for.

2. Try not to make it too personal which was quite predominant in this line:

I am 14 years old and in year 9,

Other than that, you are on the right path of becoming a good writer. One last comment I'd like to make is that I feel that I've this poem before-not in a bad way, but not in a good way either.

Hope I didn't judge you too harshly.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

Hey Captian!

I'm not quite sure of this poem! It seems more like a blog entry than a poem, if that makes sense. You have all these images (the footprints in the sand, the photo album, the uncertainty of life, the beach, the breathing, the erased footprints) but you don't really do anything with them. Like, at the end you kind of dismiss everything with a big OH WELL! And that seems to pretty much destroy any meaningful thought that you had. So! Don't conclude by dismissing your thoughts! Conclude by tying everything together. It'll be a lot better that way.

And... generally you try to avoid smileys in poetry, okay?

Hi Cap!
I'll start off by saying the setting for this poem was very calm and relaxing. Beach strolls are always popular. But, I didn't think that this was much of a poem. Sorry. I agree with Snoink, this was more of a blog entry. Because of that, I think you should probably start your own blog - you can create one on YWS! I think that's where you would post things like this...

Here's some things you may need to work on:
Watch your tenses! Past, present and future. The first line begins in past tense, then suddenly changes to present. It's a bit weird when you read it. So make sure your future poems/stories are all in one tense (unless there are flashbacks!).

I agree with ROC, you shouldn't detail things like your age and year level (you never know who might be reading this, be careful!). Describe the beach more. Why are you walking along the beach in the first place? Is it because the sounds of waves are relaxing and help you think? Explain that. Explain the scent of the salty water, the grainy texture of sand in between your toes, and the glorious sunset (or sunrise) that you are witnessing. Explain your senses. Please, PLEASE watch for your spelling and grammar! It's carrying, not caring. Towards the end of the poem, you all-of-a-sudden ditch the beach. It's a very sudden way to end it, close it off slowly, not so quickly.

I think that you'll just keep getting better with your pieces, and my best wishes for the future!