A Romantic Mistake

Fingers running up my thigh
like runners on the track;
you were gunna win the race,
while I was on my back.

Your lips would say I love you
when you kissed my hairline,
but your hands grabbed me tighter
saying I’ll make you mine.

Inside, I was your princess,
your perfect, only one.
Outside, I was just legs up –
another prize you won.

Now I see the broken smile,
the truth I can’t erase.
It’s hard to forget the past
when guilt is on my face.

Wow,thats really powerful I loved it.

Okay, so I am like, no good giving tips on poetry, but I have to say, that this is full of emotion. Your comparisons are good, and you really give us imagery! Great job!

Hello, Suzanne!

I'm not that great at poetry, so I can't really help you with this, but I do want to say I really like it! It's really deep for a short poem. I like the simile in the first stanza. I'm not sure why, I just really like that simile haha. Any who...great job!! Keep up the good work!

~~Lee-Anna

Yay Zanne! You have done something I never thought possible, wrote a rhyming love poem, and have it work. Not only did it work, I really liked it.

Your lips would say I love you
when you kissed my hairline,
but your hands grabbed me tighter
saying I’ll make you mine.

I think maybe if you say "I will" instead of "I'll" it might make it flow better.

It's great though! Awesome job!

~Hope

Hey Clau,

I really enjoyed this. I like how the form contrasts with what you're saying, and it also gives it a sort of throw-away feel, which is great.

The ending is really effective, but something is bothering me about "broken smile" and "truth is on your face"...I think I could just take or leave these lines, when I'd want to be startled or at least surprised by them.

I really loved the second stanza and "Outside, I was just legs up".

I'd change "running" because running like runners? You're better than that!

Great to have you back! Hope this helps,

Jas

Hi. I love it, love it! The writing is excellent. The imagery, you go girl! I mean every single line just drew me in, I almost hit my head on my monitor. The emotions are deep and honest and I don't know if angry and disappointed at the same time, wow. This is the first time I give anyone one of these so congrats,