Cutt me off from the world,
Change my personality.
Hurt me, infest my personal life,
go, take my secrets and share them.
Spread your gossip.
I hate you so much.
But your an addiction.
defendthelegend wrote:Cutt me off from the world,(Cut only has one 't'.)
Change my personality.
Hurt me, infest my personal life,
go, take my secrets and share them. (Lines 3 and 4 both have a strange rhythm compared the rest)
Spread your gossip.
I hate you so much. (Blah! Boring and trite. Show your hatred! How do you hate? Do you spit, do you cry, do you break things? Add some voice and personality.)
But your an addiction. (I would change 'an' to 'my' because this is personal. Also, it's "you're".)
This certainly has a lot of potential, but you're missing some pieces.
Nothing about this is compelling or really gives you a sense of the horror one can feel in this cyber-universe where the anonymity changes the social guidelines and morals.
This poem needs texture. I know it's an odd word to use, but if you add statements that show instead of tell, you will give a whole new life to this piece.
How does it hurt? How does it infest your personal life?
Give this life! You're life!
Poetry shouldn't be passive, it should be more tasty than normal speech.
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