World, I did it

I want to touch the sky
And with the birds, fly
See the moon from near
Wander without fear
Reaching the sky won’t be hard
The sun too would not be hot
If I dare to reach that spot
From where I can say :
‘World, I did it, and I can do it again
World, I tried, and it didn’t go in vain
World, I struggled, and bore the pain
World, I tried, and it didn’t go in vain
You seem so small now
I did it somehow
World, I did it
By my courage and wit
World, I did it
And didn’t even falter a bit
World, I did it
And I won’t come back
And it is He whom I thank
Now anything is easy
Everything is easy

this was nice, It brought something new here, and was really quite refreshing.

See the moon from near

Wander without fear

This is just a thought, but "from near" might sound better as "from here".

Reaching the sky won’t be hard

The sun too would not be hot

Maybe it's just me, but these two lines upset the rhythm you have set up already. And I have noticed that all through out your poem some random word will upset your rhythm... example :

From where I can say :

You seem so small now

I did it somehow

World, I did it

By my courage and wit

I really liked this. Perhaps before the word "World" you could put something like "And" or something to keep the flow. Just an idea, though

Anyways, wonderful poem. I really liked how you ended it. What I didn't like, however, was your lack of punctuation. Even in poetry, punctuation is necessary so as not to confuse the reader. Also, most people think that every line must be capitalized, but that is really not true. Just write it out in sentence format if you're not sure where to place punctuation and capitalization. Then put it back into your poetry format thingamajig.

But other than that, you have great talent hope I helped!

-ash

Hey Shoaib! I notice you are new, so welcome to YWS!

There are a few things I'd like to touch on in this poem:
-Capitalization
-Punctuation
-Rhyming scheme

So let's start with capitalization. A very common mistake for people writing poetry is to capitalize the first letter of every line, which is what you have done here. This does not always have to be, however. In a sense, writing poetry is often a lot like writing a story. Had your poem been a story, including the capitalized letter of each line, it would look like: "I want to touch the sky And with the birds, fly See the moon from near Wander without fear". In a story, this would be incorrect, yes? It is much the same case for poetry. A tip I always use is putting my poetry into paragraph form. There should be no words capitalized where they shouldn't be, and the punctuation should be that I would use in writing a story. So your poem ought to look like "I want to touch the sky and with the birds, fly see the moon from near wander without fear". It looks much better than with the randomly capitalized words, right? But there's still something wrong here.

Which leads me into punctuation. As I mentioned earlier, punctuation in a poem is the same as in writing stories. You should have commas where they are needed, periods, semicolons, question marks and so on. In this poem, you have very little punctuation, which could lead to confusion. Read your poem out loud. Punctuation in a poem helps the reader pause when they need to pause and continue when they ought to be continued. Poetry is meant to be read aloud. If it's all a jumbled mess, it will make it hard for the person reading your poem to do it justice. Having punctuation is kind of a guide for someone not familiar with your poetry. So, let's look back at your first for lines in story form. "I want to touch the sky and with the birds, fly see the moon from near wander without fear". See how 'fly' looks like it belongs to the next line of the poem? There should be a period after 'fly' so we know it is connected to the second line. Your poem should read:

"I want to touch the sky,
and with the birds, fly.
See the moon from near;
wander without fear."

Do you see how much easier it is to read? It's not all jumbled together. So now the reader of your poem can be guided through your poem without much of a thought.

Last thing I wanted to touch on was your rhyming scheme. Right now, your rhyming scheme seems a little confused. You begin by rhyming every other line of the poem, which I absolutely love! That's an extremely difficult rhyming scheme to follow, and I think you accomplished it quite nicely! Here's the problem, though. Then you start doing a different scheme, and then towards the end, you have no rhyming at all. You should keep a consistent form of rhyme throughout your poetry unless you want none of it to be rhyming at all.

For example:

I want to touch the sky
And with the birds, fly
See the moon from near
Wander without fear
Reaching the sky won’t be hard

The last line there, in that part of the poem, has no other rhyme. To keep the rhyme scheme going, you should have written another line that ended with a word rhyming with 'hard'.

And I won’t come back
And it is He whom I thank
Now anything is easy
Everything is easy

And see, this part of the poem has no rhyme at all, where as everything else in the poem does. Perhaps you should take a look at that and fix it.

One thing I'd like to say is how I really liked your ending. I loved how it really set the mood of poem and makes the reader feel independent and powerful. It's by far the best part of the poem, despite not rhyming. Honestly, great job with that part, Shoaib!

I hope my critique does not appear too harsh or anything, because I truly did not mean for it to be. This poem has loads of potential, and I'd really like to see it again if you do fix it. Keep writing poetry; you'll be amazed at how much better you get with each one!

-Holly

What an absolutley powerful and wonderful poem. It's quite amazing how triumph and hope just simmers in your words. Excellent word choices, it has made this poem very vivid. Great rhythm as well.

Overall, quite amazing.

Keep writing.

--Knightly

It's amazing how from all the poems I've read yours were the best. I guess those who trust GOD and thank him day after day are the ones who feel okay. That's why their writings are pure, true and powerful as they guide humanity and show them the way. You've inspired me and helped me see my mistakes and sins which I've made. I thank you greatly. I wish there were more people like you. Keep writing and always walk in the light on the right path.