Faked A Smile, Told A Lie

My heart is screaming for your attention.
It is begging for you to see
past the lying words my mouth is hoping you believe.
My soul can't take this anymore;
I just can't do this anymore.

This smile painted on my face
is killing me inside.
I can't keep pretending I'm okay,
when all I want to do is hide.
I just wish you could see that
sometimes I hate this world,
that sometimes I hate being me.

I faked a smile and told a lie.
I let you all believe that I'm alright.
But now the smile is real, my lie exposed
as I lay in bed dying tonight.

hi there! ash here comments are in bold below. However there aren't but a few, since I have almost nothing to critique with this wonderful piece.

wishiwerent wrote:My heart is screaming for your attention.
It is begging for you to see
past the lying words my mouth is hoping you believe.
My soul can't take this anymore;
I just can't do this anymore. Instead of "anymore" something like "again" or something might sound better and help the rhythm along. "anymore" is too many syllables.


This smile is painted on my face
and killing me inside.
I can't keep pretending I'm okay,
when all I want to do is hide. This line messes up the flow just a tad. perhaps something like "when all I want is to hide?" then again, that's not much better haha just a thought.
I just wish you could see that
sometimes I hate this world, Add an adjective in between "this" and "world". It keeps rhythm going. "Lonely" might be a good one, but don't listen to me, this is your own work.
that sometimes I hate being me.

I faked a smile and told a lie.
I let you believe that I'm alright. I took out the "all" right here.
But now the smile is real, my lie exposed
as I lay in bed dying tonight. Eek!!!! I love this!!! Perfect ending!

So, let me start by telling you that I absolutely loved this! It is told in beautiful, effortless words and starts and ends perfectly. Good job!

-ash

wishiwerent wrote:My heart is screaming for your attention.
It is begging for you to see
past the lying words my mouth is hoping you believe.
My soul can't take this anymore;
I just can't do this anymore.

This smile painted on my face
is killing me inside.
I can't keep pretending I'm okay,
when all I want to do is hide.
I just wish you could see that
sometimes I hate this world,
that sometimes I hate being me.

I faked a smile and told a lie.
I let you all believe that I'm alright.
But now the smile is real, my lie exposed
as I lay in bed dying tonight.

I really enjoyed this poem. It leaves a lot to the mind, like what the lie was about, and what she was dying from. Its a really good poem, my only advice would be to maybe add one more stanza explaining a little bit more. Other than that its a great, great poem.

wishiwerent wrote:My heart is screaming for your attention.
It is begging for you to see
past the lying words my mouth is hoping you believe.
My soul can't take this anymore;
I just can't do this anymore.

This smile painted on my face
is killing me inside.
I can't keep pretending I'm okay,
when all I want to do is hide.
I just wish you could see that
sometimes I hate this world,
that sometimes I hate being me.

I faked a smile and told a lie.
I let you all believe that I'm alright.
But now the smile is real, my lie exposed
as I lay in bed dying tonight.

I can't say nothing about it i totally loved it

I loved this!

Your poem had great rhythm and I could follow it easily and understnad what you were trying to say the whole way through it!

I'm probably just repeating what everyone else has said but I have to say it all over because I really did love your poem!

I'm really not good when it comes to grammar but as I read your poem I couldn't make out any clear grammar mistakes which is a great plus.

I especially loved the way you closed the poem. The last line fitted extremely well with the rest of the poem so that helped with the flow of it. The flow of your poem was also, obviously, amazing! It helped me read it with ease.

To be honest it feelt like I was actually in the poem and I love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me!

Everything seems to work so naturaly as well which in my opinion is the most important thing when writing a poem. Your rhythm, the flow, the atmosphere of the poem. Everything just seemed so perfect!

Overall I adored your poem. It was dramatic, effective and extremely well written. I love your writing style and I can't wait to read some more of your work!

Keep writing!

Meg x-x