Slurring Between Closed Jaws

Broken, unseeing, distant stares.
Pupils vexed into another crumbling world; crumbling time
Searching for reality, a dignified answer.
Those who see you, are blind.
Barricaded thoughts scraping at each desolate crimson brick;
One by one, they break.
A sea of irrational fear seizes your lungs; drowning, sinking.
No hope, no salvation.
"Tell me the truth," he whispers as she grasps onto the bottle to take her final sip.
"There's no turning back."

Lies.

I loved this poem! It was perfect! It was jammed with emotion and it wallowed in feeling. It flowed so beautifully and smoothly. Er, seconds? This was astonishing! I absolutely adored reading it. Wonderful my dear. Awesome job!

Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Beautiful. Simply gorgeous.

I can't believe you wrote that in seconds!!!
Turning green over here Lol (I think we both know why)


And I think we both were counting on a real review, but unfortunately, this can never happen with such a perfect poem as this Lol

So, I've drawn this post out as long as possible....(maybe it counts as a review now!! ...ok ya, I know that's cheating ) Now it's time for me to run along

XoXo~AsH

ps: yes, I know I got a lil crazy with the faces, but you haven't even SEEN my gb. my post is extremely mild in comparison

and emotionallybroken tale
told from the body constructed of the fragments from broken perspectives

these are indeed the dying moments of a number of individuals.

it could only have been written in a numbeer of seconds because that's that only way to capture these feelings

like a desolate flashback, crashing into your blurring vision as you drown in two inches of your own blood...

y'know what I'm sayin'!

this isn't well written
it is well expressed

there is no such thing as writing an emotional poem

there is just expressing

same as the sreaming singer and the hysterical painter

they are niether singing nor painting

they are expressing.

Like a mad rapper spitting such hot fire tat the microphone melts in his hand...

you must never ever stop expressing yourself...

even if your expression changes as you change

never ever stop

you feel!?

I love writing poems in the heat of emotion -- that's the only time I feel like I ever write anything worthy of even being called poetry. ^_^ It's a good technique, so I congratulate you for making use of your few seconds. ^_^

I just have a few comments on some punctuation if you are eager to clean it up! ^_^

Those who see you, are blind.

Barricaded thoughts scraping at each desolate crimson brick

One by one, they break.

A sea of irrational fear seizes your lungs; drowning, sinking

No hope, no salvation.

First of all, you don't need the comma in the first line of this passage. It seems a natural place to pause in the reading, but if you wanted to emphasize that, you might want to place 'are blind' on its own line then? I would suggest a colon after 'brick' as well and a comma after 'sinking', then I think it would be all patched up.

I just wanted to point out my favorite part, too, because it was really great!

Broken, unseeing, distant stares.
Pupils vexed into another crumbling world; crumbling time
Searching for reality, a dignified answer.

The opening is so powerful and that's why it's my favorite. The word you chose, 'crumbling', evokes so many images that blend perfectly with the tone of this work -- I can really picture the broken, unseeing stares because I've used them myself.

Overall, beautiful work. Keep at it!

^_^

-Hannah-

Very good :]

I love your vocabulary, it's wonderful and perfect for the feelings you portray here.

I'm not very good at reviewing poems like this, because I'm generally to simple to find fault with them but I will give it a go seeing as I really do think this is an amazing poem.

Broken, unseeing, distant stares.

I like this line a lot, how unseeing and distant fit together so beautifully. This poem is great to read but I love dissecting it even more, it's very interesting how you managed to capture so much imagery and two-sided meanings when writing it so quickly.

Pupils vexed into another crumbling world; crumbling time

I have to say with my simple self I have no idea what this mean, I just had to go ahead and admit it :] Maybe it's just me, but I just can't get my head around it. Please explain.

Those who see you, are blind.

Now this bugged me a little. So far you have maintained an originality, but this line is a little over used, I know it from other poems and sayings and I think it would be better if you rephrased it.

Barricaded thoughts scraping at each desolate crimson brick;

Nothing to say but very very nice imagery.

"Tell me the truth," he whispers as she grasps onto the bottle to take her final sip.
"There's no turning back."
Lies.

Nothing else to say here; again, I love it.

Overall a really good poem, you have obviously captured the emotion and imagery well in the heat of the moment, all there is to do now is just touch it up around the edges.

peace out :]

Izzy