My Brother Has A Gun

I think this is good the way it is now. People just like different things. But, of course, try to make a story if you like!

Well, I think Incandescence was a little harsh, but he's half right. I'm no expert at poetry, but I will do my best:

Firstly, ask yourself what it is about this poem that you want to get across--what is your link with the reader? For example, love? Next, how are you going to convey this message? What is the story? Do you have one? Develop it. Now. Right, so you have a story, now, what is it about it that strikes you as a need for a poem?

If it is because poems are shorter and quicker to write, then stop right now. If it is because you have to tell this story for how it is, and not how it appears then ask yourself what similes you want, what comparisons to life and what emotions must be portrayed?

Now, right the poem.

I miss my brother,

I know I could have stopped him,

I should have told somebody.

What? When? Why? Show us everything, but use only a few lines. Don't use a page to explain the colour of his hair.

Good luck!

I have made the story, it is in the other fiction part.
it is not qiute done yet.

OK, here's the deal. I love the idea and creativity behind the story but I'm not too sure about the way it's written. I think that it is a very good piece but I do believe that it needs, A: some revision and B: Spell check.

My brother has a gun,
want somebody listen?

Shouldn't "want" be "won't"?

Also, possible a little bit more emotion should be felt, and a little more of the child's understanding or perhaps why the brother did what he did.

Overall though, I believe I must say that I rather enjoyed this piece and I hope you continue writing poetry.

P.S. It kind of reminded me of the book "Cut" by Patricia McCormick. Not the plot or storyline but just the way it is written.... I don't know why....

My first suggestion would be to get rid of the shooting. Sure, "My brother,/had a gun" is a great way to end the poem, but Snoik is right, it seems a bit random and out of place. I was really liking how you comment on the feelings of the child, of how it scares her, how she sees her brother drift away. I was thinking that maybe she was a girl growing up in a bad neighborhood, seeing her brother being caught up in the violence that you usually find in those.

There are some typos and such, like "want" instead of "won't".

It reminds me of the school shootings. You seemed to use some words to frequently. Plus, it seemed kid of emtionless. But, it did leave people thinking although, I'm, not sure if that's a good thing. There seemed to a lot of unawsered questions like who were these people mocking your brother. Anyway, I thought it was okay could be better though.


Thething912

well it is supposed tobe about the school shootings, but yeah i'm making a story now, so i hope everyone likes it

THIS WAS THE BEST PIECE EVER.

You did everything correct.

Not a a single error.

Now you should write more.

Then you can become, a good, no GREAT writer.

TRUST ME,
MATT

it's certainly contentious! look at how many reviews you've snagged!
my only real critisism is the repitition of 'my brother has a gun'.
it's good at the end when you change tense. I like that. But the other repitition detracts from the poem. Consider taking it out. I don't think the poem needs it.

please consider. I hope i haven't been totally useless!

best of luck with later stuff.
charlie.

hmmmm....
so many reviews....
wow....

Haha. And I'll add one more! ^^

You've done some editing to your poem, as far as I can tell. (From the reviews I read.)
Well... You did a good job.

Telling the shooting from a child's perspective is not exactly an easy feat. The younger the child, the harder.

You can't describe it too much but then... Oh. I got a suggestion.
Since you're telling it from a child's perspective, why don't you describe the scene a little bit more? Just make it vague. Since a child does not really know how to describe things, you can describe it vaguely. And it'll be fine. ^^

Describing the scene allows the reader to imagine the scene easily.

Well, I'm not sure if that helped. Honestly.

Seeya!

-Max.

This is undescribable. The brother must have been psycho. I could see the emotion. Well Done. Few grammar mistakes which I'm sure you can spot.

thankees to all!

I thought this was really good. I don't know why people can read something and not like it, but still feel the need to review it just to say the same thing everyone else did. I like to read the poem or story and then glance through the responses of other people. From what I saw, not many liked it, but I did. Obviously, by the time I'm reading this, you fixed spelling and all that.. added punctuation, all the other complaints. So to me, it was really good.

Don't let anyone get you down.

Keep writing!