blue girl

10 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 16
the non-tabbing-formatting-lackofoption is killer in this.
regardless.
thanks for reading :)



If my blue-colored girlfriend told me today
that you had died,
I would paint my nails red for your funeral.

Red.
Red like my cherry-flavored lips
that turned the color of bloodlessness
in the cold of your bedroom.

You were a man.
You ate your meat rare.
You fought with fiery tools of war.
If you died, your men would not grieve.
For they, too, are men.

my woman
was born with blue hands

blue
like the wide-open sea
like the warmer flame who coaxed the blood
back into my frozen lips

a woman who ebbs
and flows
and melts
and freezes again

You consumed.
You will consume yourself.
Like a point-blank shootout.

When you ran your fingers down my back, I bled.

when she runs her fingers down my back, i shiver




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Gender Male
Points 11542
Reviews 426
Maybe it's because the formatting changed when submitting this, but I didn't get this poem; it was confusing and oddly worded. It seems that the poem jumps around from place to place and just winds up feeling very awkward and disjointed.




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Gender Female
Points 6090
Reviews 1258
I didn't especially get that as much, Nate...however, it was kind of awkward. Cool though.

But could you distinguish 'you' and 'she' better?
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 685
I will have to add to the list of people who are utterly confused.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 128
I can't hear it in my head, therefore I also cannot understand it. However, I'll read it aloud a few times and do my best to decifer it.
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.




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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 493
I understood it
but I also didn't
I did, however, like how you said RED then immediately jumped into stuff about red...
that part was awesome.




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Gender Female
Points 13816
Reviews 563
Hm.... this is interseting and I liked your color stanzas and the contrast made between them. Your last two lines were pretty good even though this was quite confusing. This was very awkward and could use some explanation, but it wasn't bad
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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Gender Female
Points 6165
Reviews 665
I'd like to describe this poem as being more abstract than anything.

"When you ran your fingers down my back, I bled.

when she runs her fingers down my back, i shiver"

I think you should switch the two around. More impacting.

As for the rest of the poem, as it was said numerous times before, it was confusing. However, it was the kind of confusing like, feeling like you're coming into something that was already happening. For instance in all of those teen novels you see at Borders where they just slap the most random poems in the middle of the book...for some reason they seem to make since there....

I don't think I'm making any sense here, but I'm trying.
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.




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Gender Female
Points 2340
Reviews 447
I know it's nothing new to say, but I'm confused.

I like the color contrasts. And I keep thinking that there's something in this and it's just not clicking, so I've reread this like 10 times. But every time I get to end, nothing has clicked yet. I think I keep expecting you to somehow tell me how the the "you" and the "she" are linked, but you never do.
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.




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Gender Female
Points 8846
Reviews 531
since this was such a great read, I thought I owed a proper crit...I hope its not to hard to read.

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