lost inside my heart

I closed my eyes
Trying to see inside
You -and everything you do

I miss the old days
It feels like a haze
Young and in love
You promised you’d stay

We were gonna be together,
Forever
You swore on your grave
But then she came along
And the feelings gave
Away
Away
Leaving me locked in this cave
Of my own self consciousness
And everything I did wrong
Did wrong
But I had to stay strong
But its hard to stay strong when I see you with her everyday
So now in my cave I began to cave

Cutting away
Away
At everything keeping me sane
Baby because of you this is what I became
Thanks to you my life title is pain
And now every time I see you with her again and again
I swear to God I’m gonna go insane

Maybe I should end it
Put the razor away
And put the big guns
Big guns
To my brain
Leave a note under my pillow for him and say thanks again
For leaving me the way you did for my best friend

I was ready to end the chapter
With the gun to my head
But then something in my head said:
Baby your stronger than this
Girl you gotta get it together
He said he love you
But deep down you knew it wasn’t true
Hey honey your better than this
That girl, she was your friend?
You don’t need her
more ever,
You gotta keep yourself strong
Keep your true girls and you tight
Your gonna get through this
So please don't end your life
Cuz its gonna be a good life
Good life
Said that voice in my head
You gonna do great things
You wouldn’t do if you were dead!
So be happy he’s gone
don’t be down in the mouth
He’s a waste of your time
And bad for your health!

I smiled after hearing that voice in my head
Made me think of the good in my life
And the pics under my bed
And now
And now
Before I finish
Its gotta be said
If you think you wanna be dead,
It would be smart to first consult that voice in your head

Hello, Twilight Girl. (Love the name by the way) I'm October Girl but you can just call me Max or Chelsea. Anyways I loved this lyric/poem it was completely brilliant! I know how this feels and I love the way you put so much emotion into it. I don't mean to pick at your wonderful piece but I do think you should change the title, but then again that's just me. Give it something with a little more BAM! Or Spice. Anyways, I loved it and you're completely brilliant, (and I'm a rambling idiot) Anyways I look forward to reading more from you and maybe we could even be friends.

always to your assistence
-Maximum Chelsea

Hey.

I've never been a big fan of emo poetry - it's always a put-down for me. Not very interesting. In most of those, the cut and say their life is miserable.

But this... you've got something going here.

Before I say anything helpful, I'll tell you that there are a lot of spelling mistakes. For instance, you spelled 'gun' - 'gung'. Yeah. If you fix that, this poem'll be good.

I really liked the ending, with the voice in her head. It really made this poem seem to come to life - like it wasn't just another emoish poem. You made it unique, and fun. The rhyming didn't quite fit though. Sometimes I feel as if you just threw whatever ryhmed with the last word in to see if it fit. It shouldn't be like that.

But, heh, I'm no expert on poetry. I just feel obligated to comment on this lovely poem.

Good luck with future writings!

:Sythe:

i'm afraid i'm going to have to be pretty critical here...it was good, but there were some things that screamed "WRONG!" at me.

Of my own self conscious(shouldn't it be consciousNESS?)

You don’t need her
So WHATEVER! (really not fond of the 'whatever'...)

You gonna do great thing(you mean thingS?)

It gotta be said(you mean it's?)

okay i think that's everything...might be one or two i missed. still, it was an okay poem. 7.5/10

Hey

I liked alot about this poem but i think the main thing was the second-last stanza and the way you brought your self-consciousness alive.

There were heaps of spelling mistakes and that kinda distracts the reader from the moment when they have to re-read something and then 'Boom' the climax is at the bottom again.

But besides that, I really like this poem originality is the best key for a writer and you've got it.

Keep it up

The voice in the head part is kind of scary. I mean, it implies that the girl goes crazy and skitzo and that solves her problems? What sort of message is this??? I would prefer that she did something else to story her. The stanza where she has voices talking to her is just too long and it seems like she's crazy. True action would be much better. ^_^

I enjoyed reading this poem,
Alot.
^.^
I liked all of it,
I can easily spot this as a song!

If I ever become a famous singer, (Yeah, Right...)
Im stealing this.
xD
J/k.J/k.

Twilight_girl101,


I got to the end of S3 and almost passed out from sheer boredom.

There's just not much to get excited about. The reader recognizes the situation but is given nothing in the way of a POV or insight that attempts to push beyond simple recognition.

Just pulling any five lines out at random will surely trigger memory of at least a hundred other poems that deal with the exact same subject in almost the exact same manner. A good test to see whether or not what you're about to post is worth the time of the readers here is to see if there have been other attempts on the same subject, as well as their respective responses from respected, responsible and articulate reviewers (in essence, all the things that Devonlynne does not possess)--then decide if what you have is above or below the norm.


Best,
Brad

thanks everyone....im trying to change it a little to make it better!^^

Its pretty good! i really like that she comes to life in th ending.... like she finds herself!
but still, i seen a few mistakes but those were only spelling (easliy fixed)
great poem

all the best!
<3 kimmy

I think you should change the title.
I feel it really doesn't do justice to this beautiful poem.
Now I must admit, it is a little cliche, but being a fan of cliche work, *points to sig* I'm not complaining. I only complain when it sounds too much like something else.
In my opinion, anyone could do cliche as long as you put your own twisit into it.
The ending and your structure were really good. But I do have to agree with SOME of what Incandescence said, the first three stanzas were a little... blah. And also of his reference to randomly taking five lines and finding 100s of thers that will sound similar.
It wasn't until the last two stanzas that I really started enjoying this. That was when you brought the element of cliche that I liked. Bringing in something new or putting your own twist.

Well, that's all I gotta say. I love the stucture and repetitive lines. Shall I look for more?

Wow! You expressed your feelings and emotions very well. Excellent work! I'm really impressed with your poem.

This was extremely touching.
I loved the idea and thought that it was good poem
It ended great and it was a blast to read.
I read it 3 times because its so fun.
All though I don't quite get why you repeated the last word of some sentences like
AWAY AWAY.
Other than that it was fantastic.

the extra away and such gave it a bit of an echo=)

i think...