Friends

Maybe it's a dream...or maybe it's a nightmare
I don't no how to take it in
It's hard to see the ones I hold near slip away
Do you no how it feels.....to have it happen to you
For your life to slip in a snap
Not understanding is the biggest part
Weather its something i say or something i do
They leave my sight....slowly and painfully
The things they say and the people they meet
Its hard to keep them friends
To my friends i say "your awesome"
But really I mean "piss off bitch"
I don't no how to tell them
"Your mean rude and you can't see me around everybody else"
Once they were informed they said they would stop
Stop they said but i guess that means go on
Now when I see them i can't see the friend
The friend inside that i meet along time ago
I wish it was simple but i guess it will never be that way.

banana_baby_16 wrote:Maybe it's a dream...or maybe it's a nightmare you don't really need all of the "..." they don't really add anything significant to the poem and they get distracting
I don't no how to take it in
It's hard to see the ones I hold near slip away
Do you no how it feels.....to have it happen to youAgain with the "..."
For your life to slip in a snap
Not understanding is the biggest part
Weather its something I say or something Ido
They leave my sight....slowly and painfullyAgain
The things they say and the people they meet
Its hard to keep them friendsThis line seems wrong here, I'm not sure it works
To my friends i say "your awesome"
But really I mean "piss off bitch" I would change the rating of the poem because of the language, and warn readers at the top that it's coming. Some people (not me) will find it offensive and won't want to read it
I don't no how to tell them
"Your mean rude and you can't see me around everybody else"
Once they were informed they said they would stop
Stop they said but I guess that means go on The repitition in these two lines really doesn't work for me.
Now when I see them I can't see the friend
The friend inside that I meet along time ago
I wish it was simple but I guess it will never be that way.

Please when writing poetry try to capitalize your "I's" Other wise it looks tacky and bad. Other than that this doesn't really stick with me, you aren't showing us anything you are telling us, and after a while it gets slightly boring. It's like, ok your friends suck. Now what?

There is not a lot of poetic flow, try using metaphores and similies to get your point across. Don't just come out and say "You're mean." Tell a story of how they are mean, what did they do that really bugged you? Did they spit gum in someones hair or spread nasty rumors? What did they do? You know the exact thing that they did that made you call them out, but we as readers don't.

Maybe it's a dream...or maybe it's a nightmare
I don't no how to take it in
It's hard to see the ones I hold near slip away
Do you no how it feels[no, but I KNOW how it feels].....to have it happen to you
For your life to slip in a snap [slip in a snap? how does THAT work?]
Not understanding is the biggest part
Weather[whether] its something i say or something i do
They leave my sight....slowly and painfully [awkwarrrd. Redo this line entirely]
The things they say and the people they meet
Its hard to keep them friends [It's hard to keep them AS friends perhaps? I dunno, but that needs cleaning up as well]
To my friends i say "your awesome"
But really I mean "piss off bitch"
I don't no how to tell them
"Your mean rude and you can't see me around everybody else"
Once they were informed they said they would stop
Stop they said but i guess that means go on
Now when I see them i can't see the friend
The friend inside that i meet along [a long] time ago
I wish it was simple but i guess it will never be that way.[uplifting ending...]

I agree with the previous post, and I have a few things to add: spelling counts. Big time. It's one thing if you make a few type-o's here and there, but I suspect that's not the case here. I also marked a few specific particularly awkward lines, but in general the poem was just awkward all around. There was no flow at all. All your thoughts just kind of jumbled together into this big lump of a poem. Focus on your structure and smoothing things out a bit, and I'll come back to you with some other advice. Good luck!

I'm going to have to go with the previous two posters on here, but add my own segment in. Word Choice. One of the cornerstones of poetry is using the best words effectively.

"For your life to slip in a snap
Not understanding is the biggest part"

'slip in a snap'? 'biggest part'? These are not good word choices, the first would probably be fine for something for a bungee jumping accident, but otherwise use a better example. At the very least we should be able to grasp why if not how it happened.

I'm not a big fan of sad poetry, just because it is common and usually done in bad taste. I'm not too much of a fan of gloom and doom or crying in poetry. Many people have far worse lives and manage to be happy, yet poetry is often the method in which all misery is told. Not to say that I don't hate it as a whole!

Some pieces, like quoting and really unusual word choice doesn't do it for me. Making a good sad poem is a lot harder then writing a blissful one, and chances are one sob story told in poetry is familiar to the other thousands in existence. Make yours special if you do one, Anne Frank's diary is important cause of the detail and circumstances, Chaucer was a tongue-in-cheek comedian for attention to details of personality. Shakespeare (arguably one man) loved complexity and inner drama wrapped up in irony and comedy. Everything that set them apart in writing has been done in poetry and sonnets for hundreds of years. That own personal style and wit is when you are not so much telling as crafting a poem.