Him

I see him standing there with her. Hugging her, holding her, whispering to her.

He smiles at her and she smiles back as she slowly brings his face to hers and their lips meet.

I remember when I had him.

When I was the one to hug him and caress him and hold his hand.

He looks over at me and smiles as though nothing happened, but it happened. I look away and pretend to be happily chatting away with my friends.

But my heart aches with the lies I feed it.

My soul grows bloodier and the wounds grow deeper everytime I look at him.

My body becomes softer, more vulnerable to pain and depression.

My body knows that I hurt whenever I see him. It also knows the happiness I force it to take to cover up my scars when he walks in the room. So does he.

He knows how he broke my heart, beginning the first of many scars.

He knows how many tears I cried at what I felt to be the bitter, abrupt end of my life.

He knows how he told me he loved me and after my spirit flew high, he brought it crashing down the next day with those two cruel words; “It’s over.”

He knows. He knows the hatred I really have for him, stored away, ready to burst out when I give it the command.

Then, as his full attention directs itself on me, I look up into the face of the one that tortures my mind.

We stare at each other and the world is in pause, holding it's breath as the only thing I can hear is my heartbeat gradually increase and grow panicked.

Then I start to feel colors whirl in and out through my vision and I am dizzy. I realize that I was the one that was in pause and the only one to hold my breath.

I land back on earth with a shuttery gasp.

"Are you okay?" my best friend Ashley says, searching my face for answers.

I look back over at him. He gives me a fleeting glance as he wraps his arms around her waist and her arms entwine around his shoulders as they walk to their class just as the bell rings.

“Yea, I’m okay,” I lie again, choking back my tears and giving her a watery smile.

We walk off to class leaving a little more of my dwindling happiness behind as we go.

This is really good. You do a good job of emotionally impacting the reader (at least for me you did). I personally liked the beginning and the middle of the poem best, compared to the end. I would have almost rather not known who the guy was with now (Ashley) and have just focused on the emotions of the poem rather than the explanation at the end if that makes sense. When you got to the part, "Then, as his full attention directs itself at me..." it started to read more like a story for me and I just didn't like it as much. But still...very good.

Hello!

Firstly, I don't consider this poetry, especially dramatic poetry. If anything this belongs in the Romantic Fiction section so I'll ask a poetry mod about moving this. You see, it doesn't have any real figurative language and it's telling a story. It's not bad by any means though. I think it could use some work because the narrator sort of just went off on a tangent. Try to focus on feelings moreso than words. If you want to get something from the reader you must relate to them in some way. This felt a little too personal. You had some really good lines in there though.

PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda

I have never really been fond of love poetry, it has so much feeling that we are so disconnected from it. We don't feel for any of the character, so immediately this looses our attention.
This is not poetry, maybe you could write this into a story, that's all I can think that this will work. Its so filled with emotions, yet we feel nothing at all, if this was a scene in a book with a developed character and we had grown a connection with this girl then we would feel, right now I don't give a damn about her.
I like it, its nicely written' but just put into the wrong position

Think about it

Gweny

First of all, this totally reminds me of romantic fiction, not dramatic poetry. I mean, yeah, it has line breaks, but poetry is very concise, very rhythmic, and this doesn't seem to have those in it. So you might consider taking out the line breaks and having this moved to Romantic Fiction. ^_^

If you are absolutely certain that you're in the right place... well, that's what this critique is for!

It's too... emo. I mean, you have the narrator who is certain that her life is going to end because he's kissing a girl. Woe is she! But what is missing is the connection that she had with this guy. Was there anything special? Did they meet at a rock concert and fall in love and then he saved her life from a dog and a drug dealer and now she feels indebted to him, yet he has discarded her? Her attachment seems much too shallow because you don't hint at any further relationship besides the fact that they were together and now they aren't. And it won't have any depth until you put this in.

Forgive me to comparing you to Robert Frost, but he wrote this one poem about this jerk for a husband who wouldn't see eye to eye with his wife, after their child died. And it's obvious that their relationship went down the drain and they're suffering for being with each other and when reading it, you can feel the pain in both parties-- the frustration of the husband and the guilt of the wife. And you can understand each of them so well, it's painful to read because you're thrust in the middle of it.

Check it out: http://www.ketzle.com/frost/homeburi.htm

That's what I would love to see here. Instead of just seeing the narrator and having her stomach drop, but he's just frittering away, I would like to have the reader emphasize with the guy, if only once, by having the guy look at her guiltily (or something like that). That would make this poem wonderfully interesting and painful to read!

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I hope I helped!

I liked it but....
You need to write it more as poetry.
Thats all I really have to say though.

And take out the dialouge.
Dialouge is hard to do in peoms but it doesnt work here.

I really liked this thing. It was very heart-aching. I can feel her pain. Although, I wouldn't consider this as a poem. This isn't actually a poem. Maybe you can revise it into stanzas or something, then it would be a very interesting poem. I also like your idea in this piece.

i disagree with everyone else because it is like slam poetry kinda.... but on a whole it isn't what i usually read but i did like it alot

As much as I love he way you portrayed everything here, it feels more so... dramatic writing, mostly because of the lack of fluidity within the lines. I would consider this more of... I'm not sure. But I love the emotions, and the imagery, great there!

Keep writing!

~Mark~

Oh God that was touching...Reminds me of my last relationship. I still have feelings for him...

Never the less just like Time we must move on with it!

I hope to read more from you!

D7M

It's beautiful.
I felt your emotions come over me so strongly.
I conncted to your ryhmes and lines.

Hmm... some poeple say they don't consider this poetry but I do.
I say that if the writer believes what he or she has written is poetry, then it is.
It's up to you to make the call, don't let others push you around. Just like you don't need to listen to critiques. You can throw this one away right now and never think of it again. It is that easy.

This just about brought me to tears because I felt all the saddness in it.

It was beautiful and amazing.
You have a talent. Keep that and keep writing.
Thanks for reading this, bye.

8.5/10

If you wanted me to wonder why you posted this? ...You succeeded. If not, then all I can say is this. One, this is a typical of 'poor me' poetry. You bored me. I didn't want to read anymore. I pratically wanted to yawn. Now secondly, you also have a ton of unexplained angst in this and hints about cutting... EMO much! Really show us why he was so perfect why?

Overall: This isn't poetry as most people say. You have the working of prose here. Add more turn this into a story and really get the emotion affecting us. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN