My man

Rated for one curse word thanks for reading feel free to critique. I might be submitting this to school so tell me if it is suitable.

He wasn't only a man
He was my man.
He was my knight in shining armor
When I called he came running
When I said I need space he left,
I would cry and his shoulder was always there to catch my tears
I would laugh and his eyes would gleam with joy
When he smiled, oh when he smiled,
Everything wrong just disappeared
His opinion was the only one that mattered
So why didn't he listen?
Nobodies heart should be broken this bad
He wasn't only a man,
He was my man

This caught my eye.
I think it's really good:)
I think you should submit it to school, it's nice to read, and I can relate to it, I bet loads of other people will be able to too.

Nice title! Good work!

He wasn't only a man
He was my man

I don't think that this was a good opening sentence. It didn't really catch too much of my eye, but still it was good.

When I said I need space he left

I think that should be a comma after "space", and the actual lune didn't really feel like much to me. I didn't have a lot of power unlike the rest of the lines, maybe you should change it to "Although I liked him, sometimes I needed space, and when I asked, he did it with pleasure and let me be", Or something along those lines.

When he smiled every problem in the world went away

This line I didn't like either, maybe think of something like this, "His smile would brighten my day, and all the problems of this troubled world would vanish from the face if earth", you know?

He WAS my man

Loved the ending sentence! It was an amazing poem and I think that you have potential!
shanan-cat!

Thanks for reviewing I will think about those changes!!

This is good. It might help if you have some punctuation (Mrs. S would like that), I like the ending also. Maybe make the WAS into italicized? I don't know.

Hey!!

This was a very nice poem!! It did catch my eye and I'd liked reading it.

I agree, you should make WAS italicized.

Keep up the good work!!!

Kelsi=)

I like it! It's unique.=D.

Excellent poem. I really liked this. It's suitable enough for school. I'm sure everyone will love it. Keep up the good work!

-Rick

All these helped thank you sooo much.

Nice, I Liked it, it displays feeling very well. I agree, some punctuation would work. There is nothing really I see to change, but I want to compliment you, it was really good.

This is wonderful, I really liked how you infused the emotion through the piece. You made the reader feel how you felt about the man in particular, and it could be applied to not just lovers but other storylines.

I was a little put-off by the lack of punctuation, but I can't really say where you should enter it. I'm sorry I'm no help on this part.

Good piece,
Ginge.

kinzygirl223,


The first ten lines are a list of things such-and-such did, and reads roughly as poetic as a shopping list. The other four lines are so contrived the only thing they could possibly evoke is nausea.

What you need to do is actually read some poetry, figure out what imagery, metaphor, assonance, alliteration, rhythm, rhyme, style, and so many other concepts are. For this I recommend a handbook by Ted Kooser that I don't presently have the name of--it's a delightful romp through the world of poetics.

As for this--toss it.


Best,
Brad

It was brillz! x( Awww....not really too brill for anything pro but that definitely was good! I felt how the baleful emptiness of the poem seems true. KEEP WRITING dude! xoxo- Jace

I find the critiques on this site interesting, always have. And what I find particularly of note is that there are actually people who seem to like pretty much anything, and are willing to say so. Kind of sad.

Listen to Incandescence's critique: he knows what's he's talking about; ignore the rest. Find something original to write about, then try again.

I liked this. Its very powerful. I also liked how you opened and closed with the same, lines,good job!!!