You walked away as a small boy would,
You did not have to stand where I stood,
You left all of your problems ina burning fire,
You portrayed me as some kind of liar,
You gave up in their endless game,
You turned away and let me take the blame,
You got to walk without correction,
You let me fall without protection,
You played games with my head,
You are responsible for every tear that I shed,
You broke my heart,
and while that is inforgivable, my life has a new start,
So thank you for showing me the heartache of true love!!!
Last edited by Doffa Is 4Eva on Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Im the author of my own life.
Unfortunately, im writing in pen and can't erase my mistakes!!!
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please don't start every line with the same word. Really, it's very obnoxious and it's like making us read a tongue twister. Plus it does nothing for you. Find another way to word it.
Also...this entire poem is in one sentence and there are no periods anywhere just commas to and fro and when you do that then the entire poem is read as one sentence and there are no break and I don't know about you but I can't hold my breath long enough to read the entire poem in one sentence or to read this entire run-on sentence as one sentence.
Avoid "So".
Add some elements like imagery, similies, metaphors, evidence of chosen diction. In other words, show the reader what you are talking about instead of telling them.
OK, this could do with much fixing up.
First of all, as Via said, I think it would be much more interesting if you didnt start each line with the word "You". While it could work, I just don't think you pull it off here and you'd be better off mixing it up. It sounds like you're just reeling off a list of things you want to say, not spilling out poetry.
Next, don't use commas at the end of every line. Read it aloud. Where should the stops be? Put in some fullstops, some commas, leave some lines without punctuation. It's all about spicing it up so the reader isnt thinking "OK, more of the same.."
Lastly you seem to have a love for cliches which really gets you in trouble.
You played games with my head
every tear that I shed
You broke my heart
my life has a new start
Make every word unique.
I'd try writing without the rhyme scheme too. It's locked you into a place where you're having to use these sort of cliches to keep up. Good luck with draft #2.
Thanks for your comments guys, I am working on this 1 again...
I am going to change the "you" error, I set this out this because I want to direct this at someone and to emphasize the point, however now I have the opinion of others I can change it.
Thank you for all of your thoughts and suggestions..
Dofs....
Im the author of my own life.
Unfortunately, im writing in pen and can't erase my mistakes!!!
First off, I liked how you began every line with "you". I thought it gave the readers a sence of how much you disliked the person. And I dont see how it would be a toung twieter or obnoxious Via.
But, I agree that you should make it inot more senctnces. It is one lond snetence. It didnt bug me, but I think you should fix it up a bit in that sence.
I thought this was a good poem! Keep up the great work!!
